An azure greeting, an ivory farewell Options

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Before:
O, vanguard bloom, wilt thou nourish the dew this day?
Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.


Sylph ethereal, and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.


Her flora, and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown, mist lingered once more,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hemstitch of soul doth clothe us two whole.

After:
O, vanguard bloom, wilt thou nourish the dew this day?
Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.


Sylph ethereal and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.


Her flora and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled,
Lie down across the crocus gown, mist lingered once more,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony, white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hemstitch of soul doth clothe us two whole.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Beautiful poem!

Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.

Such lovely imagery!

Aurora, and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled

Isn't the use of "aurora" and "dawn" a bit redundant?  Just my
opinion though.

I don't pretend to understand all of it but it was still a beautiful read.

Welcome to MM!  I hope to see more of your work and I also hope
you enjoy yourself here.

Cathy

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Thank you for your comments, and the welcome, its wonderful to be here. As for the Aurora/dawn issue, Aurora is a personification of someone, thus the redundancy. :) any help? well, thanks again, and fare thee well.

KnightWolf

[Guest__*]

Dear KnightWolf,

Welcome to MM. I read your poem yesterday, I'm afraid I feel totally unqualified to comment, this is what I would call "proper peotry", whereas minemight be describes as "improper".

But I'm glad you are aboard. Anything you need help with, feel free to ask.

Also, in case you feel we are a bunch of "insiders" bantering away amongst ourselves, well, to some extent we are, but we also welcome new voices to the mix. So feel free to become an insider any time you want.

Love
Alan

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Hehe, well thanks, i'm enjoying this site, and all the people. As for the properness of poetry I'd say that if its from your heart its proper, hehe. Have a good one.

KnightWolf

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Knightwolf

Firstly, welcome to MM and I hope you will enjoy yourself here.

You use such wonderful imagery in your poem giving it a very subtle sensuality.

Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.



Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi KnightWolf,

You are having a wonderful time with this richly painted imagery.

I love the sound of the second stanza, especially.

Sylph ethereal, and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.

Welcome to MM and I look forward to seeing some more of your poems soon.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi KW,

A very warm welcome to MM. (I've sent you a PM, too).

I hope you'll be very happy here and enjoy the site.

You seem to have had much comment with this initial posting, so I'll just say "Well done and welcome aboad."

James.

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Thanks Toumai, Nina and Jox, I'm glad that you both enjoyed this poem, and thanks also for the warm welcome. May the road rise to meet you!

KnightWolf
(Nick)

[Ephiny]

Hello Nick

Lovely to meet you, and you are very welcome here..hope you enjoy it

I really enjoyed reading your poem..so many wonderful descriptions and images..and beautiful language and wording..it's brilliant!

Aurora, and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown, mist erewhile waits,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hem-stitch of soul does clothe us two whole.

This is just gorgeous..I was seeing as well as reading it!

Great work!!

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Thanks you for being so very kind, it is a pleasure to be here.

Nick

[Cybele]

Good morning Nick,  

A very warm welcome to you. It is always good to welcome new members and I hope you will soon feel right at home here wandering around all the forums.

Another romantic poet. AAaahh!

This is quite beautiful Nick and if I had one main crit it would be  the use of the archaic thee/thou theme. I really feel a little let down when I read this format. Beautiful though it is.

That being said I have only the following comments:

O, vanguard bloom wilt thou nourish the dew this day?
Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.

L1 Oh vangauard bloom  - lovely intro but Nick, surely the dew would nourish the bloom?

Also when first reading this line the use of the archaic 'wilt' juxtapostioned to the vanguard bloom reads as if you are ordering the bloom to die!  

L3  Each sapphire strand (I too have used that phrase in 'Daydreams', lovely! )  could you please explain 'entranced by filigree strains Nick. I would like to get the whole effect, but can't quite grasp it?

L4 How do they resound please Nick? If you are talking about the dew, formed by cold air depositing droplets, this would surely be soundless since it doesn't fall like rain?

Sylph ethereal, and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.

L1 'neath the keel of sky.  Lovely!

L2 sifting meadow's (no capital) veil FOR every fallen petal ??

Aurora, and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown, mist erewhile waits,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hem-stitch of soul does clothe us two whole

.


L1 You say that Aurora is the personification of someone Nick. Fair enough, but that is rather confusing when you use the word dawn as well in the same line.

...........................locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown,

Utterly beautiful.

L2 'mist erewhile waits,'  This is confusing Nick since erewhile means sometime before or formerly. I know what you are trying to say but it doesn't come across like that. I feel you need something between erewhile and waits to make the meaning clearer, but then you would have too many syllables.

Might I suggest then

Lies down across the crocus gown; early mist lingers, ?

L3 While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,

suggest

Nearby a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace, ?

L4 Her frost-lily hem-stitch of soul does clothe us two whole.

mixture of modern and archaic phrases. Should be doth clothe us two whole.

Your peotry is so lovely that is interests me greatly.  Everything suggested on MM is offered in a spirit of friendship for you to chuck or choose. Your baby, your choice Nick.

This piece inspired me sufficiently to want to understand it completely.    Thanks for the read.

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Thanks ever much for your critique, it is much appreciated. I have taken some of your advice as I found that is was quite sound. Let me know what you think, and have a great day, Cybele.

Nick

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nick and a warm WELCOME TO MM!


This is a wonderful (old-world feel) poem that has a rhythm made stronger by your assonance-filled phrases!  

Please feel free to take or toss my suggestions below.
Welcome!
~Cleo  

{add} [delete]

O, vanguard bloom, wilt thou nourish [the dew] this day?
I do not think blooms nourish dew?

Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree [strains]
Not sure why you have inserted the word strains so I will suggest removal?
[That] resound{s} with the descending drops of tenderness.


Sylph ethereal[,] and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sift[ing]{s} Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.

Very lovely and metaphorical of earth, sun, day, night!

Her flora[,] and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled
Lie[s] down across the crocus gown, mist lingered once more,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,
AS a preposition for to draw near? Suggest [while a symphony clambers nigh, ebony white upon lace]
Her frost-lily hemstitch of soul doth clothe us [two] whole.

A lovely old-world voice filled with imagery of nature’s personification. Add to that all the clever phrases filled with assonance and this sings!

[Cybele]

Hello Nick,

Since you are new here you probably haven't yet realised that when we revise we show the original poem with the revision either above or beneath it in the same tile so that we can compare the original with the revision to see what impact revision has had on your poem.

If you are making only very minor adjustments it is ok to show these in the original in ITALICS,

Cheers  

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Hehe, thanks for the heads up Cybele, and thank you Cleo for the warm welcome and suggestions. The vangaurd bloom isnt truly a flower, , thus it isnt a flower nourishing dew, but I am asking death if he will nourish the dew. As for strains i would like to keep it intact, as my intended meaning was the usage as follows: in Music. A passage of expression; a tune or an air. As for the removal of two in the ending line I would prefer to keep it since removing detracts from it, in my humble opinion.

Nick :)

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Nick

Welcome to MM. Interesting, romatic poem with a Victorian feel to it. Dense with assonance and alliteration.

Much enjoyed.

Cheers

Mike