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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Testament

Posted by: greenwich Apr 2 17, 17:04

Revision

Sometimes here, seems far away,
when you're in the lounge,
early morning seems to orchestrate
yet prevaricates,
the possibility of personal change.
Wish this could last,
longer than a radio show;
caught in this rare-field
where there is no movement beyond
these summoned thoughts

Original
Sometimes here, seems far away,
when you're in the lounge,
morning seems to orchestrate
yet prevaricates,
the possibility of personal change.
Wish this could last,
longer than a radio show;
caught in this rare-field amber:
where there is no movement beyond
these thoughts summoned.

Posted by: Eisa Apr 12 17, 16:07

Hi Antony - some random thoughts below

Eira

Sometimes here, seems far away,
when you're in the lounge,
morning seems to orchestrate really like this line
yet prevaricates,
the possibility of personal change.
Wish this could last,
longer than a radio show;
caught in this rarefield amber: possibly rare-field
where there is no movement beyond
these thoughts summoned. perhaps 'these summoned thoughts'

Posted by: JustDaniel Jun 29 17, 07:48

Greetings, friend:
Just some punctuation and a couple of questions

You know I don't do free verse, but since things have been so quiet, I'm visiting the other side:

QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 2 17, 18:04 )

Revision

Sometimes here~~(,)~~ seems far away~~(,)~~;
when you're in the lounge~~(,)~~
early morning seems to orchestrate
yet prevaricates,
the possibility of personal change. (I don't understand the connection here ?)
Wish this could last~~(,)~~
longer than a radio show;
caught in this rare-field (what IS rarefield??)
where there is no movement beyond
these summoned thoughts

in Light of quiet, Daniel

Posted by: greenwich Jul 4 17, 09:44

The poem is about not sleeping and being in the lounge in dark morning light. Such is a valued time of quietness where life decisions can be made in this tranquillity.
I read that at 04.00 am devils and angels are in conflict with each other.
Rather than rarefield should be used than rarefied.

Posted by: Psyche Oct 1 17, 02:41

Hi Anthony,
I hadn't seen this poem before. Been away for some time.
Enjoyed it very much. I think poets are allowed to invent neologisms such as rare-field or rarefield. Or turn nouns into verbs, etc.

I see you've had good suggestions, so I have no nits at all. Except perhaps Daniel's questions as to "what rare-field means". But I read your explanation about the 4 a.m. events, so I better get to bed, as it's now 4.30 a.m. LOL.

Best wishes and congrats on your poem.
Syl***

Posted by: RC James Nov 11 17, 20:39

I like "longer than a radio show" - good tongue in cheek description - brisk rhythm - well done - RC