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Posted by: Dove Mar 3 04, 00:39

Posted by: Athena Mar 3 04, 05:07

Very unusual and interesting poem, Dove, so full of yummy things to eat, smell, and look upon! I did wonder about a couple of words, though.  

Otherwise, I think it's a clever poem full of visual goodies!

Blessings,

Dolly  

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 3 04, 08:12

Hi Dove,

Yes, I certainly agree with Dolly that this is both unusual and beautiful. Many of the ingredients that make up this wonderful sunset were a bit odd, such as the stems and not the cherries. At first, as I read I thought I was envisioning a sunrise through sunset, a day in our live and the wonders we don't often get to see.

I especially love "eggplant night" to end this. Let's see what other thoughts I might leave..

I thought you might get more wear of these fruit-filled images if you weaved them into the vision you are presenting to the reader. To blend and mesh them so to speak, as the sky would do with these colors and hues.

Very vivid account and as for the title, I think the title is completely fitting as the body of the poem never really says what it is but the title has offered the scene for the reader.


Best wishes, Liz

Posted by: Dove Mar 7 04, 17:39

thank you amethyst and athena for peering in here. always appreciate your views.

fixed "splotches" and "stems"

coconut orbitting is supposed to be the moon.

i tried to make it flow better....any opinions?

Posted by: Eisa Mar 7 04, 19:25

Hi Dove

A very cleverly thought out poem ... mouthwateringly different ... and I feel your revisions do flow smoother. A pleasure to read.

Snow

Posted by: Mar 7 04, 19:55

Dear Dove

Are you still looking for a title ?

What I'm about to offer is something that would suit me, so you might want to run a mile :

FRUIT-SALAD SET

which would combine the sunset and the fruity colors you use to describe it !

Love
Alan

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 7 04, 20:19

Oh Dove,

Your revision is lovely. I felt the change at each stanza, with the ending summery line worked wonders. Not a nit to follow, this is a beautiful visionary piece of writing!

Best Wishes, Liz

Posted by: Siren Mar 17 04, 03:17

Jessica,

There's always a mystical air around your blends. I enjoyed the fruitiness of this. Could almost smell each there.

I think you did well on the revision and the title is much better..

Great work here.

Daniah

Posted by: Don Apr 3 04, 18:36

Coming to the party late, I'll nit the revision.

Certainly not important because I missed it, but I did miss coconut orbiting = moon.  Seems right after you mention it.  The title missleads me to concentrate on sunshine, etc.; hence reference to a moon seems out of place.

I certainly like the multitude of fruity flavors in a melodic list.  

Line 2: maybe "frosted?

Second to last line: word "that" seems flat.  How about:
peeled coconut in orbit  with singular orbit?

My first impression was waking to a delicious eye opening breakfast.  With moon involved perhaps its  termination of a perfect day.  Throwing a title on the fire: Flavor Right.

Pleasure to read my dear.


Don

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 7 04, 18:42

Hi Jessica!  

I'm always late! I was thinking about your title, and I almost wondered if 'Fruited Horizons' would be a more fitting title, because in this context, you could be writing about sunrise and/or sunsets from an orbiter perspective? I also got a bit itchy with the opening stanza: the word 'spoonfuls'. Perhaps a change to 'sprinkles or dustings? I also keep reading 'frost' as frosted, and am expecting some sort of action to follow side? I have a suggestion there to take or toss as follows:

Sprinkles of sugared blueberries
serenade interludes of
banana trajectories. **This may be WAY beyond, I am only referencing some 'horizon images' as a suggestion.

Many Copious
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.
****Awesome! My favorite stanza!

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

Well done! Your imagery in comparison to a fruit salad really work well here!
Cheers!
~Cleo