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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ What Does it Mean? *** (Crit welcomed)

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 12 14, 15:03

What Does it Mean?

What does it mean to please someone?
Do anything to get along?
or should I work to understand,
befriend, and try to lend a hand?
At times, the process won't be fun.

What pleases God? Look to His Son.
Attend His Word; know right from wrong.
What's PC? No! Seek true peace, and
What does it mean?

Is there something that will atone?
Can we talk on the telephone?
To reconcile's no magic wand;
relationships have shifting sand.
Ask God to guide; don't act alone.
What does it mean?

© MLee Dickens'son 2014

Posted by: Larry Nov 13 14, 12:56

Hi Daniel, long time no see!

First of all, your rhyme scheme does not follow the Rondeau’s
a ®, a, b, b, a
a, b, b, ®
a, a, b, b, a, ®

It looks more like
a, b, c, c, a
a, b, c, ®
d, d, e, b, d, ®

(wand/sand), although they look alike, do not rhyme in S3.

Here are my suggestions:
S1:
L1 – (lose the question mark/replace with semicolon)
L2 – do anything to get it done,
L3 – befriend or strive to understand
L4 – and even lend a helping hand?
L5 – (ain’t that the truth)

S2:
L2 – Attend His Word… and His command.
L3 – I’ll have to think on this one because I can make no sense of what it means and unlike all the other lines, it isn’t iambic.

S3:
L1, 2 and 5 end rhymes match but don’t follow the rhymes of S1 and S2.

L1 – Forgive and wrongs may be undone
L2 – or share your thoughts and we've begun.
L3 – To reconcile must be well planned;
L4 – (this line is so true) and the end rhymes match
L5 – Ask God to guide and you have won.

Here is my edited suggestions:

What does it mean?

What does it mean to please someone;
do anything to get it done,
befriend or strive to understand,
and even lend a helping hand?
At times, the process won't be fun.

What pleases God? Look to His Son.
Attend His Word… and His Command.
What's PC? No! Seek true peace, and (don’t know what to do with this line)
What does it mean?

Forgive and wrongs may be undone
or share your thoughts and we've begun.
To reconcile must be well planned;
relationships have shifting sand.
Ask God to guide and you have won.
What does it mean?

That's about as thorough a critique as I can give. Hope it's not too much.

Again,
glad to see you back.

Larry

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 15 14, 05:58

Thank you for trying to understand my poor communication in this sad poem, Larry.

My slanting rhymes I see don't please
your eyes and ears, but merely tease
that critical and helpful mind
that prods and probes me to unwind
a pome that's fallen to disease.

If we call in more conferees
perhaps in time they may unfreeze
my ears so they'll no longer find
my slanting rhymes.

I know the form: a's a's then b's
and b's again then a's -- no c's.
Alas, for now I'm disinclined
to use the words you've reassigned;
let's let it die and not appease
my slanting rhymes.

Posted by: Larry Nov 17 14, 18:27

What Larry Saw

What Larry saw… Daniel’s request
was thought, at first, to be a jest
but asterisks, from one to three
meant some critique was asked of me
so off I ran at his behest.

“What does it mean” was not the best
Rondeau he’s written, probably;
near rhyme and verse were metrically
What Larry saw.

Could this be ruse or just a test
from he whose tongue always caressed
his cheek? I guessed it was a plea
but I was wrong from “a” to “z”.
My brain’s shut down for I’ve confessed
what Larry saw.

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 18 14, 19:58

What Larry saw was quite correct.
It's not critique that I reject...

it's just my poor Rondeau that failed to communicate what I had desired. I think it's beyond repair!!

You did exactly what was requested, my friend... and extremely well!

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Nov 19 14, 00:05

Hi Daniel,

I never said I didn't understand what you were writing about. Your Rondeau gave me the message that there
is something wrong at home (yours) and that you were trying to find some way to assuage someone's hurt
feelings. Where the fault lies or who was hurt I can't ascertain but you were/are trying to smooth thing over
and obtain someone's forgiveness and you can't understand why things have gone awry. Communication is
definitely the key so there has to be compromise before there can be a meeting of the minds to work thing out.

You are right to include God and "WWJD" when there is conflict. Prayer always helps! Maybe not in your time
but always in His time.

Hope you can work thing out and come to a mutual understanding.

Did I comprehend correctly or am I out in left field looking for the batters box?

My Prayers,

Larry

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 20 14, 10:03

Hey, Larry

YOUR communication was very clear to me from your excellent comments and suggestions, and what you say here makes that even more clear.

Your interpretation is excellent, and the advice you see is absolutely correct....

but that underscores my failure to communicate, because that is not the message I was working at. I know that sounds absolutely weird, but it's true. The question mark in the second line is crucial. The idea is that doing anything just to get along is going too far. Since I didn't communicate that, all the rest of the poem falls apart. I don't see any way in getting across what I was trying to communicate using the current form. I can't make my intentions clear. I don't give up trying to communicate my thoughts, but I think this particular piece can't do it!

Thank you so much for your assistance, my friend.

deLighting in your ability, Daniel

Posted by: Thoth Nov 24 14, 07:01

Daniel

For me each poem must select its own form to say what it has to say, that is why I seldom participate in challenges. I think you struggled with this one by trying too hard to comply with form. In the end neither the message or the structure worked out.
I did follow the poem's sentiment but perhaps not as you would have liked.
I know that wont keep you down for long.

Cheers, Wally

Posted by: Thoth Nov 24 14, 07:02

Posted by: Psyche Feb 25 15, 23:52

Oops, Daniel, I missed this one altogether. Far too late to comment, but here I am because it struck me as highly original as well as sad.

QUOTE

The question mark in the second line is crucial. The idea is that doing anything just to get along is going too far.

I picked these lines out of one of your amusing interchanges with Larry! I absolutely agree that the question mark is essential here.

I've had an enjoyable time reading the ripostes from both of you! So I'll leave it at that. I have no problem with near rhymes, many famous poets have/do use them.

I hope that by now you've gotten out of this messy relationship, or else come to some mutual understanding (without doing anything just to get along...LOL...).

Cheers,
Syl***