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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ a Haiku reposting

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 30 09, 19:09

Hi all,

Figured I'd jump in here and repost an old Haiku - it was titled 'Rainstorm' but I hear one isn't supposed to giv them titles...

Have at it folks!

a koi tail
under the water lily
rainstorm

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 31 09, 05:37

A bit of a notation: this is considered "contemporary haiku".

If I were to follow the traditinal params, it might look something like this...

Quivering Koi tail
under the water lily
ominous rainstorm

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: alice Jul 31 09, 11:35

I much prefer the first one..more scope for creative images..imho

great read, thanks

Alice

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 1 09, 08:11

Thanks for dropping by, Alice...

Glad you enjoyed and yes, I agree with you. I like the mystery of the original a tad more...

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: Eisa Aug 3 09, 18:37

Hi Lori

I'm with Alice here - I like the first one best, the second feels kind of cluttered. Conciseness is important.
This is one of my favourite haiku and I remember when you originally wrote it.

Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 3 09, 19:08

Hi Snow,

Nice to see you and THANKS for reminding me of this oldie as well! It's always fun to get fresh commentary. I think I'll be following you an Sylvia's lead and start revising older works. There's much that needs re-working in my files, lol!!!

Short forms are not my forte as you know but I like the conciseness of this one, as you mentioned. Glad you enjoyed!

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 4 09, 12:10

Lori, I liked the first image even though it follows no set pattern. I am beginning to think that as Mark said we need a modern name for this sort of poem maybe waiku or swenyru for world wide haiku or senyru for the world... that this is a derivative of haiku and senyru with no set syllables or word count just an image in very consistent language. or maybe even Kuyu...hmmmm.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 5 09, 16:47

Hi Steve,

Well, it is definitely under the 17 sylls that traditional ones follow. I have seen this called contemporary American Haiku before (or maybe we can call it "Haiku Americana" ?

Kuiyu is fun too!

Thanks for stopping by!

~Cleo