RESPITE ***, rewrite Options

[Maureen]

Rewrite ....

RESPITE ... Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet


My garden's rose petals - pot-pourri in a basket ...
my thoughts drift away - gone as if they were sand
that sifts through the fingers or runs through an hourglass
as I just ignored the tasks that life demands.

I cried 'please release me forever from caring
and then don't look back because I will be gone'
An indolent sigh marks the passage I'm taking
so selfish perhaps - then again perhaps wrong.

Never underestimate the power of loving
for mountains it can move, or so some folks say,
but sadly life has shown me something different
and I won't be captured again in its sway.

An obstacle course is how life presents to me
each day's route is littered with icebergs and shoals.
How do we mourn for the sad loss of innocence?
And do we regret giving up dreams and goals?

Ah! Would that my basket held milky stones rounded
and smooth to the touch - each a touchstone of hope ,
instead of the angst, and the black dark depression
that lingers and loiters, with which I can't cope.

Pink petals and pearlescent shells in a basket
reflect sunlight onto my skin as I laze
somnolent - at peace in the quiet of my garden
to gather myself to return to the fray.










RESPITE ... Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet



Soft pink rose petals and shells in a basket
my thoughts flew away - gone as if they were sand
that drifts through the fingers or runs through an hourglass
as I just ignored all the work day demands.

I cried 'please release me forever from caring
and then don't look back because I will be gone'
An indolent sigh marks the passage I'm taking
so selfish perhaps - then again perhaps wrong.

One should never underestimate the power of love
though mountains it can move, or so some folks say,
experiences have shown me something different
no more will I be captured now in its sway.

An obstacle course is how life presents to me
each days route is littered with icebergs and shoals.
And how do we mourn for the sad loss of innocence?
Regretful at giving up our dreams and goals.

Ah! Would that my basket held milky stones rounded
and smooth to the touch - each a touchstone of hope ,
instead of the angst, and the black dark depression
that lingers and loiters, with which I can't cope.

Pink petals and pearlescent shells in a basket
reflect sunlight onto my skin as I laze
somnolent - at peace in the quiet of my garden
to gather myself to return to the fray.

[Luce]

Hi Maureen,

Well, this is definitely not Bush Poetry. Yes, I'm a great observer. Nice piece about someone who needs a breather from life, at least for a short while.

I recognize the alternate rhyme scheme here. Love the end rhymes. Not too sure if this is syllabic verse or not. It doesn't seem to be. The lines vary from 11 to 14 (see below).

Not too experienced in meter but I'll venture a guess and assume it's an unmetered piece. If this piece is syllabic verse then it doesn't need to be.

If this is a metered piece, then forgive me for not recognizing it.

Additonal comments/suggestions/questions:

RESPITE ... Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet

11 - Soft pink rose petals and shells in a basket
11 - my thoughts flew away - gone as if they were sand
13 - that drifts through the fingers or runs through an hourglass
11 - as I just ignored all the work day demands.

L2-L3 - I like the imagery of thoughts to sand but having your thoughts "fly" away doesn't link well with sand. Perhaps say "drift" instead of "flew" in L2. In L3 perhaps say "slips" instead of "drifts".
L4 - Considering what you write in the lines below, it sounds as if the cares involve something very serious - like caring for a loved one who is disable or uncaring. If so, you may want to change "work day demands" to better reflect the load the N is doing.

Saying "work day demands" could just mean "everyday/ordinary stress".

12 - I cried 'please release me forever from caring
11 - and then don't look back because I will be gone'
12- An indolent sigh marks the passage I'm taking
11 - so selfish perhaps - then again perhaps wrong.

L5-L8 - Different tone then the first stanza. It hints at suicide or running away (L6-L8) because the emotional load is getting past bearing for the N.

14 - One should never underestimate the power of love
11 - though mountains it can move, or so some folks say,
13 - experiences have shown me something different
11 - no more will I be captured now in its sway.

L9-L12 - Not crazy about the cliché in L9. I'd rather you start describing in this stanza the situation that is putting N over the edge.

12 - An obstacle course is how life presents to me
11 - each days route is littered with icebergs and shoals.
13 - And how do we mourn for the sad loss of innocence?
11 - Regretful at giving up our dreams and goals.

L13-L16 - You're kind of keeping the reader in the dark as to what has happened and so it's hard to sympathize with the N. Why is the N viewing his/her life as so dangerous? Why was innocence lost, etc.?

11 - Ah! Would that my basket held milky stones rounded
11 - and smooth to the touch - each a touchstone of hope ,
12 - instead of the angst, and the black dark depression
11 - that lingers and loiters, with which I can't cope.

L17-L20 I like lines L17 & L18

12 - Pink petals and pearlescent shells in a basket
11 - reflect sunlight onto my skin as I laze
13 - somnolent - at peace in the quiet of my garden
11 - to gather myself to return to the fray.

L21-L24 - I like how it wraps itself around to the beginning. With this in mind, you may want to make the first stanza mirror the last a little more strongly. At least mention the garden.

Luce

P.S. Corrected syllable count on some lines.

[Maureen]

Thanks Luce for your considered and helpful review - I have rewritten the piece - taking into account and using some of your suggestions. I think it is improved.

[Merlin]

Hi Maureen,
Two small observations -
hoping you have a large enough pot to combine your pot pourri, cuzzin it's one word. Potpourri.
Then, down in V4, it otto be "day's" instead of "days".

Ah, if love can move mountains, I could use some to move the snow around here. Recently I rented a tractor to make room across the road so I could pile more over on that side. We sure have it aplenty here in the high country! Snow, that is, not love! However, ski hills think differently.

Good sentiments presented - a worthy read.

Merlin

[Psyche]

This is lovely, Maureen, the best I've read lately.
I like the way you've expressed profound sentiments without giving away the whole story behind them.
Your readers can relate to your poem in various ways, since nearly everybody stumbles into troubles that didn't announce their presence along the route taken.

Into the fray...yep! Have to pick up strength when light filters into our bedroom.

I have no nits at all, except to agree with a couple Merlin pointed out.

Bring on more, Maureen.

Syl***

[Luce]

Can you confirm for me:

1. What form you're using
2. rhyme scheme
3. what meter, if any.

I'm new to form and meter and so I usually need to do some research before commenting. I hate guessing.

Luce

P.S. It's usually recommended that you jot down the form you're using under the topic heading of your poem. I definitely do that besides jotting the rhyme scheme and meter used. Just makes it easier for the reader and/or critter.

Thanks.

Luce

[Maureen]

Rhyming scheme ABCB -

What form? - stuffed if I know I write poetry - don't bother too much about form unless I am intending to write something in particular eg a sonnet or haiku etc ... other than that I just write.

Same goes for metre - its never been my strong point, it's either there or its not, if I happen to get it perfectly correct it will be more good luck than any design of mine. Many of my poetic friends have tried to get metre into my head and somehow it mainly evades me - so now I don't worry. Probably why I pick up HC's in comps and the odd 3rd place but rarely snaffle a 1st place. Doesn't worry m overly much as I am not a purist.

Not trying to be blase Luce - but it is what it is

[Maureen]

Thanks Syl - pleased you liked it - thanks for reading and commenting. About time you shared some of yours with me for the mag lol - it's been a while between drinks my friend.

[Maureen]

Thanks Merlin for picking up on those - I shall amend although here in Australia we tend to spell pot pourri as two words but I'll split the difference with you and give it a little - joining thingy.

[Luce]

Thanks Maureen for your response. Frankly, this is pretty close to syllabic verse and the form doesn’t require meter or rhyme scheme. Of course, it is always a plus if you can add a rhyme scheme or meter. The only requirement of the form is a strict syllabic count per line.

I did a syllabic count and you seem to be following somewhat of a pattern. You seem to vary from 13/11/13/11 or 12/11/12/11. With a little tweaking you can make the poem into a definite form by choosing one of the patterns. Since this is a fixed form forum, you may want to do that at least.

It should be easy to do since meter is not a big issue here. I’d suggest the 12/11/12/11 pattern since you have more lines with those counts.

I did note that you followed the abcd scheme faithfully. Love the end rhymes and you used them skillfully.

Additional Comments:

RESPITE ... Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet

L1/13 - My garden's rose petals - potpourri in a basket ...
L2/11 - my thoughts drift away - gone as if they were sand
L3/13 - that sifts through the fingers or runs through an hourglass
L4/11 -as I just ignored the tasks that life demands.

L1-L4 - I like your revision of the first stanza and the indirect link to the last stanza via the garden.

L3 – Would suggest “slips” instead of “sifts”. When you’re sifting something, you’re excluding something . Slips infers that something is totally escaping you. I would like to see another image for time slipping away then the “hourglass”. You’ve already used a “sand imagery”.

L5/12 - I cried 'please release me forever from caring
L6/11 - and then don't look back because I will be gone'
L7/12 - An indolent sigh marks the passage I'm taking
L8/11 - so selfish perhaps - then again perhaps wrong.

L5-L8- Mixed message here. The first line infers that the N is in some emotional crisis but the rest of the stanza paints the N as lazy (indolent)?

L8-Maybe say “not” as oppose to “wrong”. It would infer that there is an inner struggle going on to stay or leave.

L9/13 - Never underestimate the power of loving
L10/11 - for mountains it can move, or so some folks say,
L11/12 - but sadly life has shown me something different
L12/11 - and I won't be captured again in its sway.

L9-L10. If you want to use this cliché then it’s best to use it as it is known or else it sounds forced. Since you’re not that concerned with keeping in meter, the lines can be done this way in the 12/11 line format:

"Never underestimate the power of love
for it can move mountains, or so people say."

L13/12 - An obstacle course is how life presents to me
L14/11 - each day’s route is littered with icebergs and shoals.
L15/12 - How do we mourn for the sad loss of innocence?
L16/11 - And do we regret giving up dreams and goals?

L13-L16 – There’s a big turn in subject here. We went from asking release from caring to viewing life as an obstacle course with a loss of innocence and dreams. Since the reader doesn’t have an event reference (caring for an invalid loved one, uncaring lover, etc.) it’s hard to link the ‘turn” well. It’s like someone running up to you shouting “I’m in pain, I’m in pain”. There’s no visible injuries so naturally you’ll ask “Where?” However, the person just keeps shouting, “I’m in pain, I’m in pain.”

L17/12 - Ah! Would that my basket held milky stones rounded
L18/11 - and smooth to the touch - each a touchstone of hope ,
L19/12 - instead of the angst, and the black dark depression
L20/11 - that lingers and loiters, with which I can't cope.

L17–L18 – Love these lines. Would put “deep” instead of “black” for more sonic effect.

L21/12 - Pink petals and pearlescent shells in a basket
L22/11 - reflect sunlight onto my skin as I laze
L23/13 - somnolent - at peace in the quiet of my garden
L24/11 - to gather myself to return to the fray.

L24 – Maybe instead “where I seek the strength to return to the fray”.

Maureen, all these are suggestions, so there is no need to explain as to why you would use them or not.

P.S. You’re not alone with the meter thing. I struggle with it all the time.