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> Stone Lady (change to structure of stanzas), Crit ***
Eisa
post Sep 4 13, 16:18
Post #1


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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Stone Lady (revision 4)

Moon spills into his studio,
replete with scattered chisels
and unhewn rock.

His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.

Will he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?

Elegantly fashioned, you pose
where bumbles and admirals
flit beneath the willow arch
entwined with honeysuckle scent.

Are you yesterday's love
ablaze like floribunda beds,
dampened with autumn's
melancholic tears?

Or perhaps a midnight phantom
lured into Morpheus's realm --
your vision cleaved into porphyry.


-----------------------------------------------

Stone Lady (rearranged St1&2)

Moon spills into his studio, replete
with scattered chisels and unhewn rock.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?

Elegantly fashioned, now you pose
where bumbles and admirals
flit, beneath the willow arch
entwined with honeysuckle scent.

You are yesterday's love, ablaze
like floribunda beds, dampened now
with autumn's melancholic tears.
Or perhaps a midnight phantom,
lured into Morpheus's realm
your image cleaved into porphyry.

---------------------------------------
Stone Lady (tweaked)

Who fashioned you, elegantly
poised where bumbles and admirals
flit, beneath the willow arch,
entwined with honeysuckle scent?

Moon spills into the studio, replete
with scattered chisels and unhewn rock.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?

Maybe you are yesterday's love, ablaze
like floribunda beds, dampened now
with autumn's melancholic tears.
Or perhaps a nightly phantom,
you lured him into Morpheus's realm
carving your image in his memory.


-----------------------------------------
Lady of Stone

Who fashioned you, elegantly
poised where bumbles and admirals
flit? Beneath the willow arch,
entwined with honeysuckle scent.

Moonlight spills through the window;
a studio, replete with scattered
chisels and unhewn stone.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?

Are you yesterday's love, ablaze
like beds of scarlet roses,
now dampened with the melancholy
of autumn's tears?
Or are you the nightly phantom
that lured him into Morpheus's realm
scorching your image into his memory?


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Maureen
post Sep 6 13, 02:04
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I had to come back to this - I read it yesterday and really liked it - and read it again just now and still really like it - I think it is well crafted and the story line is quite delightful - well done and thank you for sharing this lovely sensitive poem

Cheers

Maureen


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Psyche
post Sep 9 13, 00:51
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Lovely poem, Eira. This is my first read. The imagery flows smoothly and I like the lights and shadows in it. A painting...

Does this piece refer to a real sculpure, perhaps of somebody famous? I'm dim at 3 a.m., sorry!

I'll return to savour it better. cloud9.gif

((hugs))
Syl***



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Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Peterpan
post Sep 13 13, 07:29
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This is a beautiful poem. You are still writing such incredible words. A pleasure to read. Bev




QUOTE (Eisa @ Sep 4 13, 23:18 ) *
Lady of Stone

Who fashioned you, elegantly
poised where bumbles and admirals
flit? Beneath the willow arch,
entwined with honeysuckle scent.

Moonlight spills through the window;
a studio, replete with scattered
chisels and unhewn stone.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?

Are you yesterday's love, ablaze
like beds of scarlet roses,
now dampened with the melancholy
of autumn's tears?
Or are you the nightly phantom
that lured him into Morpheus's realm
scorching your image into his memory?



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May the angels guide your light.

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Eisa
post Sep 20 13, 18:01
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Referred By:Lori



Thanks Maureen, I have tweaked this a bit and will post a revision soon.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Sep 20 13, 18:06
Post #6


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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Psyche @ Sep 9 13, 06:51 ) *

Lovely poem, Eira. This is my first read. The imagery flows smoothly and I like the lights and shadows in it. A painting...

Does this piece refer to a real sculpure, perhaps of somebody famous? I'm dim at 3 a.m., sorry!

I'll return to savour it better. cloud9.gif

((hugs))
Syl***



Hi Syl

I have been to a number of Gardens recently and lots of them have a statue of a lady, which is what inspired me to write this.
I am tweaking a bit at the moment and will post a revision soon.

Hugs Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Sep 20 13, 18:07
Post #7


Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Thanks Bev

It's so good to see you here! Come again soon.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Sep 22 13, 08:59
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this is a beautiful poem, I feel like there is not a single words wasted. Excellent job, Snow. Wow Brava!

Sergio


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Eisa
post Sep 30 13, 16:11
Post #9


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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (saore @ Sep 22 13, 14:59 ) *
this is a beautiful poem, I feel like there is not a single words wasted. Excellent job, Snow. Wow Brava!

Sergio


Thanks Sergio.

I have rearranged St1 & 2 - I hope this works for you.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Oct 22 13, 17:18
Post #10


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From: Birmingham, England
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



A few more tweaks!

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Oct 23 13, 01:14
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Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Hey, Eira, what a good idea to begin your poem with that lovely line "moonlight spills into his studio" and to have used that stanza first. It gives it a more intriguing feeling. Makes one want to know more about the sculptor and his work.

Superb difference! Wish I had thought of it myself...LOL... thumbsup.gif

Hugs, nicerev.gif
Syl***



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 27 13, 10:45
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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Snow,

I love this! Since I am not prolific with free verse, I would change the structure of the stanzas so each thought stands alone, allowing the reader to ponder without necessarily needing to use commas. That is totally up to you of course as you wish. My only nit is the word ‘now’ ’ in S2 & S3. I would delete ‘now’. Is the willow arch entwined with the honeysuckle plant which radiates a sweet perfume?

Here is how I would arrange the stanzas, with slight edits for punctuation:

Moon spills into his studio
replete with scattered chisels
and unhewn rock.

His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.

Will he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?

Elegantly fashioned, you pose
where bumbles and admirals flit
beneath the willow arch
entwined with honeysuckle’s
radiant sweet scent.

Are you yesterday's love
ablaze like floribunda beds
dampened with autumn's
melancholic tears?

Or perhaps a midnight phantom
lured into Morpheus's realm . . .
your image cleaved into porphyry.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Oct 27 13, 14:49
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Your revision works fantastically for me. Great job.


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Eisa
post Oct 28 13, 18:14
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 23 13, 06:14 ) *

Hey, Eira, what a good idea to begin your poem with that lovely line "moonlight spills into his studio" and to have used that stanza first. It gives it a more intriguing feeling. Makes one want to know more about the sculptor and his work.

Superb difference! Wish I had thought of it myself...LOL... thumbsup.gif

Hugs, nicerev.gif
Syl***



Thanks Syl - I keep chipping away at this one! LOL!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Oct 28 13, 18:17
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QUOTE (saore @ Oct 27 13, 19:49 ) *
Your revision works fantastically for me. Great job.



Thanks for your encouragement, Sergio.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Oct 28 13, 18:21
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Referred By:Lori



Hi Lori,

I have written another revision, based on your suggestions and used most of your ideas. I think it reads better. magicwink1.png

Thanks
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 29 13, 12:51
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nicerev.gif Snow! claps.gif claps.gif

I like this one!!!


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 18 13, 11:21
Post #18


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Hi Snow,

Would you be opposed to this being nominated for the next IBPC?

I like it as the subject is original and your word choices are filled with sensory delights!

Let me know.
~Cleo lovie.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Peterpan
post Nov 19 13, 03:47
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Sep 21 13, 01:07 ) *
Thanks Bev

It's so good to see you here! Come again soon.

Snow Snowflake.gif



Hello Snow, trying. Life is not the same as it was. But, I am trying to get back into the inspirational mode. I do miss you all. Big hug to you. Bev


·······IPB·······

May the angels guide your light.

MM Award Winner
 
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Maureen
post Nov 19 13, 22:07
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it just keeps getting better - great revision - works perfectly for me


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