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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Air to a Summers Day

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 24 08, 07:43

Revision 5.40:pm 26th September 2008

Air to a Summer's DAY

Summer: silent steps with gentle feet
and from flowers bees buzz merrily.
Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive;
dissolve into nature's wonderland--
where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.

Air to a Summers DAY

Summer: steps with gentle feet
and from flowers, bees buzz merrily.
Insects sporting pigments that decieve
fade into coloured petaled chambers.
Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.
repeat
Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.

John

Posted by: ohsteve Sep 24 08, 19:00

John, Is that first word summen or summer? Makes a big difference in how you read it...lol. My eyes can't quite make it out. I think you can leave off the 'and' from the second line. 'Coloured petaled' seems like a mouthful, almost make you stumble in that line. I like the image that forms when reading this, gives a feel of overall relaxation. JMHO...
Steve

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 26 08, 02:36

G'day Steve,

Summer, mate.

I left a word out of the first line.

'silent'

Nah, think i'll leave the and in (9)

This is my revised version.

Summer: silent steps, with gentle feet, (9)
and from flowers bees buzz merrily. (9)
Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive; (9)
dissolve into natures wonderland, (9)
where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek (9)

jOHN

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 28 08, 17:51

Hi John,

I'm not familiar with this style, but I think your poem is quite lovely and lyrical!! Makes me wish it were still summer in the northern hemisphere, too!!

I can't give you any significant advise, but I do notice two nits. You shouldn't have the comma after "feet." Also, "nature" needs an apostrophe and an "s." (nature's)

Peggy

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 29 08, 06:06

Hi, Peg

Nah, I want a pause before 'and'.

I put the postraphy in nature's.

I checked out 'Air'.

Qoute: Crudden.

It usually denotes a song (qv), tune or melody, or all three.
Frequently used in the late 16th c. and during the 17th when many
collections were published.
Cowper suggests the general sense, when, in A Winter Walk at Noon
he writes.

There is in souls a sympathy with sounds;
And, as the mind is pitch'd the ear is pleased
With melting airs, or martial, brisk, or grave:
Some chord in unison with what we hear,
Is touch'd within us, and the heart replies.

John.

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 29 08, 08:46

Hi John,

Thanks for clarifying "air." Cowper explains it well! Quite beautiful too!!

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 29 08, 19:29

Hey John,

What a lovely new take on your Summer's Day saga! I haven't heard of this form before but your poem is very calm and serene. Other than not needing those commas up in L1, this is a lovely read!

Enjoyed mate.
~Cleo

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 30 08, 09:04

Yeah, Peg,

The whole scenario, is captivating.

The plan is to use 9 sillybulls.

John

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 30 08, 09:09

Hi Lori,

Yeah, I'm very happy with this piece.

What I need is a couple of more verses.

John

Posted by: ohsteve Sep 30 08, 15:34

John, I like the change very much, makes for an easier read...

Posted by: Arnfinn Oct 1 08, 02:44

Thank Steve,

I think I'll take the girls advice n' take the comma's out.

John

Posted by: prerna bala Jan 13 09, 06:49

your nine silly bulls sing a nice song Mister

Posted by: Arnfinn Jan 14 09, 05:50

Thank You PB,

dON'T GET ME GOING.

i'M PLEASED THAT YOU ARE TREADING THE BOARDS.

Keep your mind focused on the family at MM.

You won't go wrong.

Regards,

John