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Posted by: merle Nov 4 10, 01:53

Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

Posted by: Eisa Nov 4 10, 14:27

Hi Robin

I like the underlying message in this one. A simple poem with a lot going on under the surface. Thi is well written, but I did stumble a bit at the end - suggestions below:

Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

My personal preference for the last line would be to miss out 'while' take the cap off 'behind' and change the semicolon to a comma. Take or toss!

Parents hold their quarrels
behind inflexible smiles, never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

Snow

Posted by: merle Nov 4 10, 14:38

Hi Snow -

Thanks for stopping by. I usually just copy from WP and that program places caps on every line...thank you for catching it. I like your suggestions and will revise. What do you think about changing 'ruin' to 'smudge'?

Posted by: Eisa Nov 4 10, 14:42

QUOTE (merle @ Nov 4 10, 19:38 )

Posted by: sandiegopoet Nov 6 10, 11:26

Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

* * * * *

Children do reveal their troubles (and their family's troubles) through their artwork. My mother was the art director of an elementary school district for a quarter of a century, and I'm sure she saw thousands of instances of troubled young minds revealed through their art. I've often wondered how she coped with instances where the child's drawing or finger-painting revealed something truly dreadful. In those days, however, teachers and administrators were much less inclined to do anything about it.

Turning to your poem, the first five lines have a good deal of specificity, whereas the final three lines are far more abstract. If this were mine, I would look for ways to communicate the "message" of the last three lines using more concrete language. I'm not sure we need the word "quarrels". I want to see more of the inflexibility. More inhibitory behavior. I'm thinking of children's bodies depicted with looser lines, with a hint of curve, while the adults are depicted in hard, straight lines, pointing exactly toward the vertical. I'm also thinking of the children's faces pointing every which way, in a carefree manner, while the adults are staring straight out of the picture.

Hope you find this useful.

Fred

Posted by: Psyche Nov 11 10, 23:47

Hi Robin,

Yes, this poem has an undercurrent of profound meaning. I understand that the watercolor has been painted by a child, that's why "A stick-figure family...." etc., the way small children trace people in their drawings.

I agree with Snow's suggestions, no other nits.

In my country, Argentina, parents are more likely to shout & scream hysterically in front of the children, tears flow & ruin masterpieces, but mostly it all ends up with hugs, kisses and the occasional bang of a door....LOL...

Great piece, Syl***

QUOTE (merle @ Nov 4 10, 08:53 )