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Posted by: Cathy Feb 18 05, 12:21

Faery Award Winner

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Member Choice Award Winner

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Please let me know which reads better... Revision 3 or 4. I appreciate your help!

Midnight Odyssey ~ Revision 4

White dragon flies black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft to spark a twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high he drifts near Luna Moon,
he'll serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

The fairie queen stands regally on wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmering with lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
obscures the smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her ivory carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye.
He offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
With graceful ease she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through spheres of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, bestirring mists bordeaux,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck with smiling face aglow,
they're seeking thrills with Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
then richly blend their voice as one to sing of Ladylove.

Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
Thus seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends, 'twill then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005




Midnight Odyssey ~ Revision 3

White dragon flies black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft to spark a twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high he drifts near Luna Moon,
to serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regally on wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
obscures the smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her ivory carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
With graceful ease she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through spheres of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, bestirring wisps bordeaux,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck with smiling face aglow
and thrills of seeking Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to sing of Ladylove.

Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
Thus seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends, 'twill then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005



Midnight Odyssey "Flight Upon The Dragon's Wing" ~ Iambic Rhyme ~ Revision 2

Dark dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft, begin their twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Luna Moon,
to serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
conceals a smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her emerald carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swoop both high and low,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow,
with thrills of seeking Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
So seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends to then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005

S2 L4 - conceals a little of her face...


MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY ~ FLIGHT UPON THE DRAGON'S WING ~ Revision 1

Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
while skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swoop both high and low,
she clings tightly to her dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.
Thrill of touching star and moon, who reign supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Sparkled twilight turns to grey as night draws to its end.
The sun comes winking in the dawn, darkness it will rend.
Seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends to then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005


ORIGINAL:

Midnight Odyssey

Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Flying free on gentle winds swooping high and low,
clinging to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.
Thrill of touching star and moon who reign supreme above;
so richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, night is nearing end,
The sun comes bringing in the dawn, darkness it will rend.
Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest the day,
Repose their heads til dusk descends, to then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005

This was written for my 4 yr old granddaughter, Blaise.

Posted by: Jox Feb 18 05, 13:07

Hi Cathy,

Only negative crit for now: "portion" of face - sounds almost like butcher-talk... “areas,” maybe?

A delightfully dreamy and evocative poem. This was very Shakespearean for me - in imagery at least. It was Macbeth meets Midsummer’s Night’s Dream. I’m sure this flight is over The Forest of Arden (a place I pass from time-to-time).

All I can say is that I’ll drink to this on... Bottom’s Up!

(Sorry didn’t mean to make an ass of myself).

James.

Posted by: Cathy Feb 18 05, 14:05

I can't have her getting butchered! LOL  I've changed it and it does sound better now.

Thank you for the compliment!  
Cathy~  :dragon:

Posted by: jgdittier Feb 18 05, 15:00

Dear Cathy,
Poetry read aloud is somewhat different from that read in the mind. I always read poetry aloud and so I naturally (also intentionally) make cadence a greater concern than others do.
"Midnight Odyssey" is a perfect title for the message and the message is presented in heptameter which seems at least to me to suit the fanciful message it carries.
Read it aloud and ask yourself if there isn't long stretches of lines that read with a very pleasant lilt.
Some who have less concern with "flow" may suggest current textbook guidence, perhaps citing "does show" in s4l2. My view is that maintaining the lilt of the work justifies the does.
Whatever you choose as the characteristics that typify your style, do
stay the course. 'Midnight Odyssey" is a very enjoyable read.
Cheers,    jgd

Posted by: Toumai Feb 18 05, 15:35

Hi Cathy,

This has a dreamy ethereal feel that is lovely, and it does flow excellently read aloud.

Thanks for getting my weekend off to such a lovely start.

Fran

Posted by: Nina Feb 18 05, 15:36

Hi Cathy

This is a wonderful night flight into imagination.  Ethereal and sprinkled with magic.

I love this image of the fairie queen:

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in pale translucent light.

Nina

Posted by: Toumai Feb 18 05, 15:40

LOL, I think Nina and I both posted at the same time - same kind of thoughts, by the look of it.

BTW, Cathy, I had you down as in your 20s or 30s - reeling from the shock that you have a granddaughter.

Shows how writing liberates so much.

Hugs,

Fran

Posted by: Cathy Feb 18 05, 17:17

LOL  Sorry Fran!  I didn't mean to throw you into shock!  I'm a young grandmother!  At least at heart!  I feel about 28-30 most of the time!  Not really much older than that though.  

Thanks Nina!  Blaise likes things that sparkle and shimmer so I had to incorporate plenty of that in her poem.  

Hi jg!  I've gone over this and over this trying to get it just right and as long as it sounds good, that's what matters to me ... and Blaise!  LOL

I'm glad you all enjoyed it!

Cathy~

Posted by: Cybele Feb 18 05, 18:28

Hi Cathy,

Your granddaughter must love you reading this to her. A lovely, spoken lullaby.  
Just a couple of minor adjustments to suggest, take or chuck..

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight through the starry sky.
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

L2 and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky ?

Soaring free on gentle winds swooping high and low,
clinging to the dragon's neck her happiness does show.
Thrill of touching star and moon as they reign above;
so richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

L2 clinging to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.?
L3 Thrill of touching star and moon who reign supreme above ?
L4 So richly blend their voices to softly sing of love ?

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, night is nearing end,
The sun peeks over yon horizon, darkness will it rend.
Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest the day,
Repose their heads til dusk descends, to then resume their play

L2 Sun peeks over the horizon, the darkness it will rend ?
L3 Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest all day ?
L4 Repose their heads till dusk descends, and then resume their play ?


Sweet dreams Blaise.  

Posted by: Cathy Feb 18 05, 22:32

Thank you Grace for your lovely compliments.  I have used a couple of your suggestions already, I think they helped smooth out the flow.  

Cathy~

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Feb 24 05, 19:01

Hi Cathy.  

I really enjoyed this soft rhythmic piece!  

You've done an excellent job here with the meter and the story told is magical, and mystical - perfect title!

I want to hear more of these two please!?  

My fav:
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black

Well done!  

Posted by: Cathy Feb 24 05, 23:20

lol  I don't know if I could do it again!  

I'll let you know if I do.  I have been working on a
story with the two of them, we'll see how it goes.
Thanks Cleo!

Cathy!

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 26 05, 05:40

Hey, Cathy!

This one slipped my notice.  I'm quite certain that it will not slip Blaise's!

For the most part this flows simply beautifully!  Ron's suggestion about reading poetry aloud is such an excellent practice. It really helps to see where bumbs in a flow and difficulties in meaning stare at us.  

In this one, there aren't many of either!  I merely offer a few "suggestions" to help you to see, hear, feel your excellent piece slightly differently.

sharin' a bit o' Light, Daniel  

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Feb 26 05, 06:48

Wow Daniel!

These are wonderful suggestions!

Posted by: Cathy Feb 26 05, 08:47

Yes they are!  I've read the poem so many times I can't seem to get past the present rhythm so it helps when someone else reads it and can point out what I'm no longer able to hear.

Thanks Daniel!  

I haven't found a way to change "through air of dapple-black" to suit me yet.  I can't use "breezes" as you suggested because that word is already used.  Besides breezes aren't colored, it's the atmosphere or background or the sky that is dapple-black.  I've already used sky or skies as well.

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 26 05, 13:16

Of course you're welcome, Cathy [ and thank you for the compliment, Lori! ]

I've offered a few further suggestions to your revision.  Particularly note my comment re the last two lines, which have no subject... the reason I had offered an alternative.  

Take or toss whatever you like, my friend!

Eager to encourage such a flowing piece to flow better... hopefully without ruining it...
Lightly sprinkling syllables and punctuation, Daniel  

Posted by: Cathy Aug 2 06, 09:45

Hi Daniel!

I am so sorry that I overlooked your crit. It wasn't intentional I assure you. It's been so long since I even looked at this particular poem (except when I turned it into sonnet). I can understand the purpose of your suggestions and I agree. Now that I've pulled it up again I may just have to work on it some more. lol

Thanks for returning~

Cat

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 2 06, 16:11

Hi cathy.

I just love this poem.

I am herewith nominating it for the faery award.

Congrats!

~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Aug 2 06, 17:56

I've certainly done the same thing, Cat! No need for apology. I'm glad to have been of some assistance thus far. You have such a wonderful story for your granddaughter with this, and it simply keeps getting better...

and as you can see, others think that it's worthy of attention as well! I second Lori's nomination. This can only get better, my friend!

deLighting in this wonderful process, Daniel

Posted by: Cathy Aug 2 06, 18:04

Thank you Lori!

Posted by: Cathy Aug 2 06, 18:08

Hi Daniel,

LOL I've been checking to see if there are any more I've missed!

I appreciate your input ... I was about to do some more work on this one when the fairy dropped in! *smiles*

Cat

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 3 06, 05:25

Congrats Cathy on your faery award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 3 06, 06:57

Oh Cathy, I am sooooo Glad this one is pulled up. I hadn't had the opportunity to comment on it. I believe I have read it, but hadn't gotten to leave comments. It is WOW!

The title is applaudable. I think that "Flight Upon The Dragon's Wing" would work best. The rhythm, rhymes and inner sounds bring this to a very high level of quality. The pleasure is enchanting and wistful. Images such as "velvet skies on silver star kissed wing' and a dream-like tranquility of the tone of voice through out makes this a MUST READ AGAIN poem.

Some further thoughts to follow, over all ... this is a delight to read... LOVELY!

Hugs, Liz

there wasn't much to critique, but I hope I've left something of value... This is a favorite!

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Cathy Aug 3 06, 08:34

Good morning Liz!

Thank you! *smiles*

The reason for the Midnight Odyssey is that it's a series of 3 poems. The other two aren't very good but I haven't had time to work with them yet. I'm glad you thought the imagery worked so well.


Thank you!

Hugs, Liz



QUOTE

MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY ~ FLIGHT UPON THE DRAGON'S WING

As mentioned, the title is POWERFUL. I might suggest leaving off Midnight Odyssey for another poem! Although both parts to the title are great, so great that either works on its own...


Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
while skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

L2, perhaps...
while skirting cotton clouds and softly gather voice to sing.
L3, comma after high.

I try to avoid using 'and' if I can, maybe 'they softly gather'?

Delicious opening stanza... Brings the story, like a childs fairy tale to the readers mind, and follows through without missing a beat. :)

Thanks! *smiles*


A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

L1, perhaps ... puff, instead of fluff... hmmm... I'll think about this one.
I visualize the night sky, the misty white clouds against the evening and a ghostly, illuminating illusive figure standing as a Goddess, hair softly blowing in the breeze...slightly seductive imagery and it works great. Thanks! I'm flattered that you thought such beautiful things! lol

Some excellent used variations in meter that livin up the rhythm of the poem, getting rid of the sometimes, unintended monotone sound of a continuous meter-You've executed double iambs through out, nicely. I didn't know anything about meter when I wrote this so I was just trying to get it to sound smooth so any mix in meter was unintentional! lol

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Not sure in L1, why you've used wing-ed Loved the use of fantasial... and dapple black...
A feast of fresh images and rarely used words... 'wing-ed' was intended to stress two syllables instead of one for rhythm. I'm glad you liked the phrases! Thanks!

Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swoop both high and low,
she clings tightly to her dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.
Thrill of touching star and moon, who reign supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

L1, perhaps ... swooping both high and low, Omitting 'they' before swoop.
L4, 'the richly blend' at the beginning of the line, feels awkward to my ear. I like the meaning, but perhaps you might consider...
their voices richly blend as one to softly sing of love.

I was taught that 'ing' was almost a no-no so I avoid them when I can. As for the other line, your suggestion works and seems to smooth it out a bit. Thanks!


Sparkled twilight turns to grey as night draws to its end.
The sun comes winking in the dawn, darkness it will rend.
Seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends to then resume their play.

Loved "a place to rest the day,' LOVE THIS STANZA... Thank you!






there wasn't much to critique, but I hope I've left something of value... This is a favorite!

You did of course! *smiles* I will keep all of this in mind cause I plan to work on it some more. Thanks Liz!
Cathy

Posted by: Cathy Oct 17 06, 19:34

Revision posted. Let me know if I've ruined it! LOL

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 17 06, 19:48

Hi Cathy.

I didn't think there could possibly be anything here to improve on BUT you've done it!

Now I think you should put this one to the stars (and wink at them for a while)..

I DO have one suggestion for you to ponder:

conceals a little of her face, she glances shy to tease.

conceals a smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

My fav line:
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.

Well done!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cathy Oct 17 06, 21:54

Posted by: Cathy Dec 28 06, 19:53

Yet another revision! I hope to have smoothed out a few spots...

Thanks all!

Cathy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 2 07, 11:00

No question about it Cat - Rev 4 ROCKS!

Go with rev 4 Cleo says.....

Posted by: Cathy Jan 2 07, 11:08

Thank you so much Lori! Liz and I agree... #4 is best~ LOL

Thank you for your time!!

Cathy

Posted by: Eisa Jan 3 07, 05:14

Hi Cathy

I have come to my computer first thing this morning and read your revisions. Wow! -- this poem is one I could keep coming back to again and again. Your imagery and word choice is superb. There's not much to choose between revision 3&4, but I think revision 4 just about tips the scales for me.

Midnight Odyssey ~ Revision 4

White dragon flies black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft to spark a twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high he drifts near Luna Moon,
he'll serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

L4 is the only place where I might stick with rev 3 as you already have 'he'll drift ...' in L3 and I don't feel the need to repeat 'he' in L4 -- writing it as prose
'he drifts near Luna Moon, to serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon'.
sounds better to my ear -- but it might just be me.

The fairie queen stands regally on wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmering with lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
obscures the smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her ivory carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye.
He offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
With graceful ease she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through spheres of dapple-black.

In some ways changing 'and to he' in L2 has slowed the flow a little and I would suggest perhaps a semicolon after eye, might help this.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, bestirring mists bordeaux,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck with smiling face aglow,
they're seeking thrills with Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
then richly blend their voice as one to sing of Ladylove.

The changes in L3 really help the flow here -- well done!

The change in L4 avoids the repeat of they -- so that is good too.


Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
Thus seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends, 'twill then resume their play.


Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005


Hope my thoughts help Cathy -- if not ... just ignore. It's a great poem either revision.

Snow

Posted by: Cathy Jan 3 07, 07:13

Wow! You must have gotten up early! LOL

I see what you're saying with your suggestions, especially in verse 3 and slowing down the flow. I'll have to give this some serious thought. I thank you for taking the time to check this out for me so quickly.

Good luck with your nom too!!

Cathy

Posted by: Eisa Jan 3 07, 08:14

LOL!! -- I'm no early bird Cathy, we're about 5 hrs ahead of you here in UK. I tend to be a night bird.

I'm glad you found my suggestions useful.

I'm not sure what's happening with my nomination at the moment, as it is a revision of a poem that was published in an MM chapbook. I daresay if I find its ok to go through, I'll start revising again -- LOL!!

Good luck with this. I think it always depends on the taste of the judge -- so fingers crossed!!

Snow

Posted by: Cathy Jan 3 07, 12:28

Midnight Odyssey (the original) had been published in MM's Syntax & Musings. But according to what I read when Liz sent me the PM noticfication 'published' meant receiving money or something for it... which we didn't. I mentioned it when I sent back the answers granting permission and no one said anything. It may turn out mine can't be entered either. *sad smile*

Cathy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 3 07, 12:38

Hi Cathy.

I sent an email with this question (as Snow as the same issue) to the IBPC a few days ago. I am still waiting for a response. I'll keep you posted.

Lori

Posted by: Cathy Jan 3 07, 17:33

Thanks Lori!

Posted by: Eisa Jan 3 07, 20:00

That would be sad -- let's keep fingers crossed.

Snow

Posted by: Cathy Jan 4 07, 07:16

I am! I am! *smiles*

Posted by: Blank_Canvas Jan 6 07, 08:33

I do so hope this lovely poem can be entered. One of the year's favorites for me, although I never made a crit or commented before now. I was thrilled when it received the faery award ! I'll keep watching as to where it goes from here....hope it will have a chance....
Marcia

Posted by: Cathy Jan 6 07, 08:49

Thank you Marcia!

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 28 07, 14:40

Congrats Cathy on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

Posted by: Cathy Jan 28 07, 15:59

Thank you Lori! *smiles*

Cathy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 28 07, 16:05

You're most welcome Cathy!

I love this poem - I hope it makes it to IBPC to receive a wider audience.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Feb 24 07, 13:27

Congrats again Cathy - this time this tile has won the Member Choice award for January, 2007.

Well done!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cathy Feb 25 07, 09:00

Thank you Lori!!

Cathy

Posted by: AMETHYST Feb 26 07, 19:29

Congratuations Cathy, this poem is a winner - on all accounts. Big Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Feb 27 07, 05:16

Well done Cathy

Well deserved!

Snow

Posted by: Cathy Feb 28 07, 08:38

Thank you Liz and Snow! *smiles*

Posted by: azurepoetry Mar 4 07, 00:47

Hey Cathy,

Congrats to you on this multi-award winning poem. Wowsers!

i don't have anything to offer after all that's been said and done already. Looks good.

~tim

Posted by: Cathy Mar 4 07, 07:49

Thanks Tim!