Printable Version of Topic

Posted by: Aggiel Aug 30 07, 15:37

A Problem to Solve ( Revised )

Though flowers beautify a printed card,
but add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter spawns the art, so does a bard,
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

A farewell brandish from a friendly hand
will send you off to yonder lonely seat
to bury like an ostrich in the sand.
Take time to think before you wet your feet.

Reflect, the sun that sinks behind the hills
again will rise at dawn, to shine, to glow.
Today a daisy withers in the chills,
tomorrow, other buds will bloom, will grow.

Friends, if your mood is gloomy, let's break it;
go watch the saffron moon until it fades,
or read a book or quietly sit and knit.
Do choose to smile, not scowl, till luck cascades.




A Problem to Solve( Original)

A flower looks pretty printed on cards.
But add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter creates art and so do bards
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

A farewell is a wave of the right hand,
to send you off to your lonely window;
like an ostrich hides its head on the sand,
or a rabbit burrows in a meadow.

Today the sun sinks beyond the horizon
Tomorrow the sun will rise, will glow.
Today, a lily drops to the ground,
Tomorrow, another bud will bloom, will grow.

My friend, if you have a problem,
so have I. But let us leave it a while,
to savor the orange sun while it lasts,
then hug our pillows till dreams beguile.

correction:

stanza 1, line 3,4

We sit around the park to doze and doze.
A painter creates art, so do most bards;
one loves to paint, the others smell a rose.

Posted by: Terocon101 Sep 1 07, 05:27

Hi Aggiel,

I like it, my only nit would be...maybe try to include a poem with the title.

Sorry couldnt help it!!

.

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 1 07, 06:32

Hi Terry,

It was deleted by mistake when the power failed here. Now I have put it back.

Go ahead, solve it.

aggiel

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 1 07, 09:32

and Scarlett said,"I'll think about that tommorrow."

This is delightful, Aggie. I pick up no consistant meter (nor is the rhyme scheme consistant) but it certainly does flow beautifully when read aloud... like rhymed freeform.
These lines strike me as a bit weak.
A painter creates art, so do most bards;
one loves to paint, the others smell a rose.
I see that you are indicating a painter and a poet both create art.. but for the poet's part, simply saying 'smells a rose' isn't enough. Also 'most' seems fillerish to me. how about something like:
a painter creates art and so do bards
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 1 07, 16:33

Hi Sue,

That’s the concluding line of that famous novel too.

Coming back to my poem, I am glad you think it flows well even
it is not iambic. I have written it in a hurry for a contest, which
did not favour rhyme poems and thus it has flaw, which I think
is good for workshop as there’s a lot to do and say.

I agree about that line and I like your suggestion, and will use it.

Thanks for checking in to comment.



Aggie

Posted by: Cathy Sep 4 07, 07:20

Hi Aggie,

In my mind you are saying to me that even though life has its problems we shouldn't panic about them. Take some time, enjoy what's around us, and solve the problem with some sense. That's my interpretation anyway. *smiles* Lovely poem even if I'm wrong.

A few thoughts for you to ponder... use or lose!

Hugs,
Cathy

A flower looks pretty printed on cards{.}[,]
But add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter creates art and so do bards
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

The last line seems off to me because a painter doesn't compose lines. But, a painter and a poet both 'create images'... painters with color and poets with words create images in our minds. What about --

A painter designs art and so do bards
as each creates images to praise the rose

OR

A painter designs beauty, as do bards,
as each creates images to praise the rose.

A farewell is a wave of the right hand,

I keep wanting to say a 'friendly hand' but why the 'lonely window'?

to send you off to your lonely window;
like an ostrich hides its head on the sand, 'in' instead of 'on'?
or a rabbit burrows in a meadow.

Today the sun sinks beyond the horizon
Tomorrow the sun will rise, will glow.
Today, a lily drops to the ground,
Tomorrow, another bud will bloom, will grow.

My friend, if you have a problem,
so have I. But let us leave it a while,
to savor the orange sun while it lasts,

Maybe 'saffron' instead of orange for alliteration? Saffron - a shade of yellow tinged with orange.

then hug our pillows till dreams beguile.

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 4 07, 11:26

Hi Aggie,

This is sweetly written, as Sue mentions, I don't see a steady meter or Rhyme scheme, but it flows smooth and pleasant to my ear. I enjoy the intentions here in as well... In S1, I liked the immediate presentation of greeting cards, I can visually see the painted rose - and how the narrator then brings the reader's attention that one without the other (the artist painting of the beautiful flower and the written words to enhance the loveliness) would be flat and easily dismissed.

As S2 comes into play its sort of left me confused as I had a problem connecting S1 to the friends problem and the remaining stanzas... it seems the narrator begins with an idea of comparing or relating the subjects but somehow forgets to connect them.

Perhaps amending S2, which seems out of place to my understanding of the poem without any clues for the reader to relate why is there a goodbye wave, what lonely window and who is hiding their head in the sand... Seems to me that perhaps the thought that was seeded there isn't completed yet.

In S3, to my perference I found a lot of repeating that felt a bit fillerish - but I liked what it is saying ... that today may be gone, we cannot recapture the time we have spent wasting the beauty of the days gifts wallowing on our problems, but let's make that change to capture tomorrows gifts...

Of course these are just personal perferences... It has such a lovely rhythm and I think you are just at the edge of reaching the beauty within the meaning... I would suggest just a little more thinking out of what you would like to say and revising to complete those thoughts... You certainly have a natural ability to create beauty with words ... just like the painter and the poet praising a rose...

Good luck and big hugs, Liz

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 4 07, 17:30

Cathy,

Thanks for checking in.

You have got a lot of useful tips and observations
which will help in my revision.

I like a friendly hand. It sounds much better than the original,
" a wave of the right hand" .

But I think “ as each composes lines to praise the rose.”
is ok to me as artists do use lines too to create a picture.

I rather like your two lines too, something for me
to ponder.

But I want to keep” lonely window, “ that speaks
volumes to me as a window is a place we
sit to stare out and see the world goes by.

A Chinese poem describes a person’s learning
as “ten years beneath the poor window.”

I suppose when we write we let a bit of us slip in.

Yes, I am excited about “ saffron” ,and will drop orange.

Thanks for checking in Cathy and the useful help.


Liz, I will be back to you later after I have prepared
my breakfast.



Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 4 07, 21:15

Hi Liz,


The reason I posted this piece here is to know what
readers think of it, I am glad you have given me a clear
picture of what you think.

Frankly speaking I expect readers to be confused
as I follow the Puntun style: where by the real object
of the poem is precided by a series of pretty write
and not to launch into it directly.

Like for example when a Pantun writer describes his
love for a gal he'll first talk of the mountain and water
and later pens his love to be as high as the mountain
and as beautiful as the water and so on.

In my piece of work, my real intent is stated in my last stanza
asking a friend to relax, tomorow is another day.
In stanza two, I ask that person not to go away, to his lonely window,
or to hide like an ostrich or rabbit.problems can be solved in due
course, like what is penned in stanza three.

I supose it is a challenge both for me and my critics to solve
my problem: how to put across my thoughts using the Pantun method.


Thanks for your effort in putting across your thoughts.



Aggie.

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 4 07, 23:35

Hi Aggie,

Now I am really confused. I have never heard of a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantun or Puntun before so I googled it and came up with Pantoum, which Wikpedia shows is simular or almost exact in params. Your poem doesn't follow any of the Pantoum requirements.

I find the Pantun, as you've described is fascinating and I would enjoy learning more about it and perhaps giving a try myself.

:)

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 5 07, 01:28

Hi Liz,

Pantun or sing song , translated, is writen in the Malay Language.

In tragitional parties that I happened to go to, quite sometime back,
men and women used to dance and "balas pantun), which means one
recites a verse and the other replies in a verse to the question in singing
while dancing the joget. I was a child then.

I have written a few Pantun myself in Malay, but very poor imitation
compared to the real stuff. I used the AB, ab rhyme scheme.

But I love the example you posted by Phillip A. Ellis.

Pantumn, an adopted version, is totally different form Pantung.

So you know as much as I do.

Aggie

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 5 07, 08:33

It sounds wonderful - I am going to look further into it I would like to do something like that... Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Michelle Sep 5 07, 10:23

Hi Aggiel, the sentiment of your poem is lovely. I am also interested in this form. It looks fun. I've noticed that you deviated from the rhyme/near rhyme scheme in S4 with the pair problem/lasts. I don't know the form, so I'll wait to offer any more. But I did enjoy your poem.


my best,

Michelle

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 5 07, 20:46

Hi Liz and Michelle,

I really hope you can come up with something more logical than mine
using this form. As for me I have to leave it
till better ideas crops up.

Thanks for showing the interest.



Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 5 07, 20:48

Yes, Michelle,I see what I can do about it.



aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 6 07, 00:01

I'll be back soon.

Posted by: Aggiel Sep 6 07, 13:16

Hi, I have edited my poem. Please take a look.




Aggie