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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008]

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 19 08, 01:53

Revision 10/03/2009

A much better version. Thank you Leo.

White coated aphids
Sucking sap from blithe plum trees.
Hot breeze fans my face.

John

Revision 23/09/2008

Aphids in white coats.

Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.

Blithe trees: sap sucking.

SUMMER'S DAY

Aphids in white jackets.

Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.

Footsteps: tread gently.

John

Posted by: Thoth Sep 19 08, 06:04

Hi John,

Apart from the extra syllable in L1, it flows well and sings of deep summer, Thank you.

Wally

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 19 08, 08:44

Hi John,

I'm thinking you might want to find a sub for "hot summer's" without actually saying 'summer'. With such a short form to choose, I think each word should be carefully considered. Do you mind if I move this thread to Shogun's Psalms as that is where this should go since it contains less than 7 lines?

You could also include the links to the other two poems you've already posted to let us know this is another stab at the same message/insipration.

As to the extra syll in L1, it's not too big a deal (if you're not a formalist of Haiku) as long as the entire poem does not exceed 17. I'm not certain that the juxtaposition of footsteps in L3 to aphids in L1 is strong enough though? Perhaps a "flutter of footsteps" might link it more or some other characteristic of aphids that would give the last line that 'punch' that the form requires?

Whatcha think?
~Cleo

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 20 08, 07:13

Hi Wally,

Extra syllable in line one?

Aphids/ in / white/ jack/ets. ??? 5 ???

John

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 20 08, 07:19

Hi, Lori

The first lines Ok, no extra syllable.

Sure, Lori.

Shift to the Zen.

Meditation is for the wise.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ha.

Tanks for the gentle reminder

Where will I plonk an 'Air' ? it's only six lines with no rhyme?

Intro. Air To A Summers day. Real xciten, genius, wordometry.

John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 20 08, 08:27

Hi John,

Moved the poem for you. We count Aphids as 2 sylls here, which is why is reads to us as 6 syllables.

It's not so much to change the word 'breeze' to air as it is to change the word 'summer' with something else that would make us imagine it's summer time. You'd have to find a word that would give us the impression of summer that would fit with the 'aphids' theme.

-Lori

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 20 08, 19:01

Hi John,

Could you say, "Aphids in white coats"? Then it would be five syllables.

You could also use the name of a summer month rather than "summer's." So it could read "Hot August breeze on my cheek."

Peggy

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 21 08, 00:52

Nah, Better explain.

This haiku is written in alphabetical English.

AY BEE CEE DEE EEE FFF GEE etc.

A in Aphids is pure. Though, in the case of Jackets, the E is not: jack-ets.

If you have a spelling dictionary you check the above for yourself.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Writing the haiku in As per the Oxford etymological dictionary. The poem would change to.

Ay-fuds in white suits (soots)

hot summers breeze on my cheek

footsteps: tread gently

John

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 21 08, 09:03

Hi John,

My goodness! This sounds quite complex!

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 21 08, 12:18

Hey Peggy, the problem is universal : in Australia, August isn't summer - it's winter.

I see that aphids are known for sucking sap from plants. Perhaps that could be used somehow in the closing line John?

Food for thought mate!

~Cleo

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 22 08, 02:03

Hi Peg,

Nah, you have to believe in my veracity, in times like this.

The Haiku Summer's Day is written alphamogicly.

Anyone can do it.

Its just that nobody seems to bother.

John

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 22 08, 02:22

Hi Lori,

I knew you would agree with the rational behind all this.

An aphid by any other name an AY-fud.

The last line could read thus: Insects: sap sucking

Aphids in white coats

hot summers breeze on my cheek

Insects: sap sucking.

Hey, girls. I THINK WE'VE DONE IT!

Aphids in white coats

hot summers breeze on my cheek

Insects: sap sucking.

YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHa

John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 22 08, 06:01

Hi John - getting there with this one.

Instead of insects - can you think of a word that's NOT quite so obvious and matches up to that breeze, perhaps a type of fruit tree or vegetable in summer time?

Cleo

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 23 08, 02:13

Well there's a lot of plum trees in Japan.

Aphids in white coats

hot summers breeze on my cheek

Plum trees: sap sucking.

or

blithe trees: sap sucking blithe (in happy terms) means breezy.

John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 23 08, 05:32

Hi John,

If you're asking me, I prefer : blithe trees: sap sucking as it has alliteration to that 'breeze' from L2.

Don't forget to add that apostrophe in summer's too!

~Cleo

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 23 08, 05:55

Ok.

Aphids in white coats.

Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.

Blithe trees: sap sucking.

Yeah that might dooo.

John

Posted by: Thoth Sep 25 08, 11:52

Hi John,
I like the revision!
Wally

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 26 08, 02:02

I appreciate your comments, Wally.

Mutch better to put in, the homework ,here than at my computer desk.

Thank you my friend.

John

Posted by: Sekhmet Mar 7 09, 11:55

Hello Arnfinn - I like your aphids in white coats - they sound like tiny Medics. However, I am a little worried about the idea of sap sucking blithe trees. Even with a colon, it leaves a rather scary mental image. Might I make a tentative suggestion for your consideration?

White coated aphids
Sucking sap from blithe plum trees.
Hot breeze fans my face.

.
Leo

Posted by: Arnfinn Mar 7 09, 23:08

G'day, Leonora.

White coated aphids
Sucking sap from blithe plum trees.
Hot breeze fans my face.

Yes, That is a better perspective.

Thank you.

John

Posted by: ohsteve Mar 7 09, 23:19

John, G'day mate, looks like you have this one cornered and hog tied. Don't forget to update your revision to the top. Am getting a little tired now. Take it easy.
Steve