Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Karma

Posted by: Larry Nov 3 10, 15:26

1st Revision (hope it's the last too!)

Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lies,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past or tells of our demise.
A legend lies upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
portray a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Of Karma I once dreamed…
Of Karma I once dreamed or so it seemed.

----------------------------------------

Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma’s what I once dreamed…
Karma’s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.

Words used: scroll, shadow(ed), marble, brew(ed), leaf

Posted by: Eisa Nov 5 10, 06:35

Hi Larry - good to see you here.

This is great - not just a SQ but a sonnet too. I've yet to get my head round and try one!

I have a couple of thoughts - take or toss!

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:

I stumbled a little on 'forming' on first read - but not so much on second read. I wonder if something like

A swirl of pinnate lines
creates a path from womb to marble crypt:

might be an alternative

Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma’s what I once dreamed…
Karma’s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.

I also stumbled on 'Kama's what I once dreamed' - it's the end of this line that seems awkward and it seems dificult to remedy.
Perhaps something like

or so it seemed. My Karma’s what I'd dreamed…
My Karma’s what I'd dreamed or so it seemed.

or perhaps you can think of a rplacement for 'my'

Hope something helps

Snow

Posted by: Sekhmet Nov 16 10, 11:22

Breathtaking!
Larry, I could hardly believe that this was a response to a challenge. It has elegance, and a
hypnotic form.
Not only that, but I learned a new word - pinnate. A very useful poetic word!

I have a tiny niggle, which is entirely personal. It's the word, 'what' or 'what's'.

Possibly:
or so it seemed. That Karma was in my dreams ...
That Karma was in my dreams, or so it seemed.

But if you are happy with, 'what' I'll not complain.

Leo

Posted by: jgdittier Nov 18 10, 14:42

Dear Larry,
My recent comments to Leo confirm my appreciation for CONTRIVED poetry. Contrived may be harsh, as I refer to verse that must be composed, that is, fit a form or in this case forms.
You've spun a work of considerable interest while using required words, the sonnet form and the swap quatrain form.
Even a poor effort would be newsworthy.
I've never likes suggesting actual modifications, other than typos. However, this one deserves to force me to break my own rules.
I wonder about "lays" in line one I like better "lies" and think you might then end line three with " and sees through future's eyes".
Line six: "that pick the path" (I love alliteration)
Line thirteen: "of KARma ONCE i DREAMED
14: Karma's what I dreamed, or so it seemed.
I think your line 12 is masterful, "construed like veins within a leaf". That ties it all up so nicely!
Congratulations

Cheers, jgdittier

Posted by: Larry Nov 19 10, 00:57

Hi Ron, Leo & Snow,

I must apologize for my negligence in attending this beautiful site but have had too many things happen which required my attention
before I could "come out to play"!

Thank you all for your critiques and praise. I will study your suggestions and try to incorporate them or some variant so as to improve my offering. Please bear with me for a week or so and I will have much more free time to amend my poem.

Thank you all.

Larry

Posted by: jgdittier Nov 19 10, 15:37

Dear Larry,
as to my suggestions, please take them only if they strike your fancy. I will feel more guilty if you accept them than if you didn't. I'm and admitted horse of another color and don't want to off-color anyone else's poetry.
Cheers, ron jgdittier

Posted by: Larry Nov 19 10, 18:05

Hi All,

Hope I have addressed and applied a better poem keeping all your crits in mind.

I like it better than the original and hope you do also.

Larry

Posted by: Eisa Nov 24 10, 19:07

Thumbs up from me Larry!

Snow