 A Shimmering Trinket, a shape poem |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Aug 7 05, 11:35
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
A Shimmering Trinket We are all diamonds in the rough seeking shimmering trinkets that can only be found when one searches literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges. A self-worth now uncovered! How deep must one dig to discover hidden treasures within us all? Do you feel the glistening smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach the hideaway… within you? ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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| Guest_Jox_* |
 Aug 7 05, 11:51
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#2
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Hi Lori,
Thank goodness you're back writing / posting (is this new?) after all your admin work. Great "trinket" shape! I would suggest various word-tweaks but I think they would ruin the shape. So well done - reminds me of the song "Search For The Hero inside Yourself." TTFN, J. |
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Aug 7 05, 12:28
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#3
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi J!
 Actually, this one is a few years old.... :p I tweaked it somewhat trying to get that diamond shape... By all means, offer your suggestions and I'll see if they can be made to fot (if I like them). That's why I posted it in Seren's...  I think this was a Pandora (or a challenge from another site to write about "Hidden Treasures"? Cheers! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Jox_* |
Aug 7 05, 13:00
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#4
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Hi Lori,
Thanks for the info. OK... Suggestions - {-}[+] (comments) - As YOU Like It. {We are} [we're] all [rough] diamonds {in the rough} seeking shimmering trinkets {that}[which] can only be found when {one searches}[searching] literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges. {A} self-worth now uncovered! How deep must {one}[we] dig to discover hidden treasures within {us all}? Do you feel the glistening smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach {the}[that] hideaway{…} within {you}? (rough diamonds is a cliche and you do overcome that but the replacement phrase does sound somewhat contrived methinks - hence my suggestion). But I think the shape won't sustain that! Cheers, J. |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Aug 7 05, 13:52
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#5
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Hi Lori,
Don't forget that diamonds lie freely on South African beaches. Not so unguarded as to be risky. I refer to all diamonds need not require digging. However, since most of the famous large ones were mined... Don |
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Aug 7 05, 15:38
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#6
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Hi Lori
I love the shape of this poem. It fits so well with the message. James has given you plenty of suggestions to work with, so I'll just enjoy the poem and the sentiments. Nina |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 15 05, 15:17
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#7
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Hi Lori,
Somehow I missed this one. I love the sentiment! We are all diamonds in the rough seeking Slightly cliche? shimmering trinkets that can only be found when one searches literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges[;]{. A} self-worth now uncovered! How deep must [we]{one}[delve] {dig} to discover hidden treasures within [ourselves]{us all}? Do you feel the glistening "sense" instead of "feel"? smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach the hideaway… within you? are all raw diamonds bravely seeking shimmering trinkets that can only be found when one searches literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges; self-worth now uncovered! How deep must we delve to discover hidden treasures within ourselves? Do you sense the glistening smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach the hideaway… within you? The suggested word changes were meant to smooth out the diamond shape somewhat but I don't know if it did or not.  Just something to consider. LOL Toss if they don't work for you! Cathy |
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Aug 15 05, 17:53
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Jox @ Aug. 07 2005, 14:00) Hi Lori, Thanks for the info. OK... Suggestions - {-}[+] (comments) - As YOU Like It. {We are} [we're] all [rough] diamonds {in the rough} seeking shimmering trinkets {that}[which] can only be found when {one searches}[searching] literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges. {A} self-worth now uncovered! How deep must {one}[we] dig to discover hidden treasures within {us all}? Do you feel the glistening smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach {the}[that] hideaway{…} within {you}? (rough diamonds is a cliche and you do overcome that but the replacement phrase does sound somewhat contrived methinks - hence my suggestion). But I think the shape won't sustain that! Cheers, J. Thanks so much James! :) I will ponder your ideas and see what we can do with this one. Instead od 'diamonds in the rough' I wonder what 'uncut diamonds' would look like.  I'll fiddle with this in the coming days. Thabks again! ~Cleo :pharoah: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 15 05, 17:54
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Don @ Aug. 07 2005, 14:52) Hi Lori, Don't forget that diamonds lie freely on South African beaches. Not so unguarded as to be risky. I refer to all diamonds need not require digging. However, since most of the famous large ones were mined... Don Hello Don. Ahhh OK - I didn't know that - that puts a kink in the poem methinks.  I'll see what I can come up with... Cheers! ~Cleo :) ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 15 05, 17:55
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Nina @ Aug. 07 2005, 16:38) Hi Lori I love the shape of this poem. It fits so well with the message. James has given you plenty of suggestions to work with, so I'll just enjoy the poem and the sentiments. Nina ...and I've enjoyed your visit and comments Nina! :sun: Thanks so much! Cheers :grinning: ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 15 05, 17:59
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#11
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(larrysgirl5548 @ Aug. 15 2005, 16:17) Hi Lori, Somehow I missed this one. I love the sentiment! We are all diamonds in the rough seeking Slightly cliche? shimmering trinkets that can only be found when one searches literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges[;]{. A} self-worth now uncovered! How deep must [we]{one}[delve] {dig} to discover hidden treasures within [ourselves]{us all}? Do you feel the glistening "sense" instead of "feel"? smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach the hideaway… within you? are all raw diamonds bravely seeking shimmering trinkets that can only be found when one searches literal environs. Hidden treasures gleam in surges; self-worth now uncovered! How deep must we delve to discover hidden treasures within ourselves? Do you sense the glistening smile that is your ardor’s song, spoken of heart? Can you reach the hideaway… within you? The suggested word changes were meant to smooth out the diamond shape somewhat but I don't know if it did or not. Just something to consider. LOL Toss if they don't work for you! Cathy Hello Cathy! :wave: No worries - I hadn't replied to the wonderful comments myself until tonight. :upside: :oops: I like your ideas (and some of James' too) and you've made the diamond shape more refined. Yes - that cliche thing!  I was tinking maybe uncut diamonds?I also realized that I've used the snippet phrase TWICE in here : Hidden treasure  Shock :p Hmmmm - back to the drawing board.... Stay tuned and thankies! :read: ~Cleo :pharoah: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Aug 15 05, 18:03
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#12
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QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Aug. 15 2005, 18:54) QUOTE(Don @ Aug. 07 2005, 14:52) Hi Lori, Don't forget that diamonds lie freely on South African beaches. Not so unguarded as to be risky. I refer to all diamonds need not require digging. However, since most of the famous large ones were mined... Don Hello Don. Ahhh OK - I didn't know that - that puts a kink in the poem methinks. I'll see what I can come up with... Cheers! ~Cleo :) Stop looking above ground, and leave the image of mining as is. Another trick to smoothing a shape is font change. Don |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 15 05, 21:42
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#13
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Hi Lori,
QUOTE I like your ideas (and some of James' too) and you've made the diamond shape more refined. Not all of it ... lines 2 & 7 could be just a tad longer. QUOTE Yes - that cliche thing! I was tinking maybe uncut diamonds? I tried that ... I think it's a tad too long. QUOTE I also realized that I've used the snippet phrase TWICE in here : Hidden treasure I noticed that but being it was a challenge I thought maybe it was supposed to be that way. Back to the drawing board! I know how you feel. I've been doing that with Rose and Willow for a year now. Cathy
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| Guest_Jox_* |
Aug 16 05, 02:41
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#14
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Hi Lori - yes, uncut is much better methinks, also Steggy may be able to help if you ask her about "uncut" or "rough" or "shapeless." She's very obliging.
Cheers, J. |
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Aug 16 05, 05:11
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#15
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
[quote=Don,Aug. 15 2005, 19:03][quote=Cleo_Serapis,Aug. 15 2005, 18:54
Hello Don. Ahhh OK - I didn't know that - that puts a kink in the poem methinks. I'll see what I can come up with... Cheers! ~Cleo :)[/quote] Stop looking above ground, and leave the image of mining as is. Another trick to smoothing a shape is font change. Don[/quote] Yee hee thanks Don - I hadn't thought of changin the fonts... OK amining we will go! :dragon: Cheers! ~Cleo :grinning: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 16 05, 05:13
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#16
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(larrysgirl5548 @ Aug. 15 2005, 22:42) Hi Lori, QUOTE I also realized that I've used the snippet phrase TWICE in here : Hidden treasure I noticed that but being it was a challenge I thought maybe it was supposed to be that way. Back to the drawing board! I know how you feel. I've been doing that with Rose and Willow for a year now. Cathy Hi Cathy. Perhaps the phrase 'uncut jewels' as it keeps the 11 spaces there? Yeppers, back to the drawing board.... :block: A poet's work is never done...... :upside: :oops: :laugh: ~Cleo :vic: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 16 05, 15:12
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#17
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Hey Lori,
"Uncut jewels" works ... I tried it. LOL I think if you were to go with uncut jewels a sparkling trinket when one is searching literal it will smooth out the top half of the shape. The only "off" place would then be in line 2. Maybe you could put an extra space between "are" and "all". LOL Cathy |
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