The Old Armchair *** (revision) Options

[Eisa]

I've dragged this out of the archives for a makeover. Just tweaked it a bit.

The Old Armchair (revision)

Merging with mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness,
until I step into her parlour.

Gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes clutter the sill.
Her talent paints the walls
exhibited in oils.
Centre floor, a sheepskin
hugs my feet.

I brush with guests, once
ushered in for tea and cakes,
warmed by their chatter
tinged with laughter.

When the alien scrambled her mind
visitors dwindled with her memory
and don’t seek hospitality
in The Willows.

Sifting though drawers and shelves,
where china ladies dance adjacent
to a blue glass fish, I see
my grandparents smiling faces

and reminiscences blur until
two men arrive to collect
hospital equipment.

Her armchair stands forlorn.

Sitting on the faded velvet,
I nudge back the years to …

smooching on the matching sofa
breathless with love

waiting with Dad
for my wedding car
nerves gnawing inside

cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep

over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere
sipping goblets of Cognac.

Now, I caress the time-worn arms,
plump up her floral cushions
sensing her comforting aura…

Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear

It's only a chair, love.


-----------------------------------------
The Old Arm Chair (original)

Merging with mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness,
until I step into her parlour:

gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes swamp the sill.
Her talent paints the walls
exhibited in oils.
Centre floor, a sheepskin
hugs my feet.

I brush with guests, once
ushered in for tea and cakes,
warmed by their chatter
tinged by laughter.

When the alien scrambled her mind
visitors dwindled with her memory
and don’t seek hospitality
in The Willows.

I sift though drawers and shelves;
China ladies dance adjacent
to a blue glass fish. I see
my grandparents smiling faces

and reminiscences blur until
two burly men arrive to collect
hospital equipment.

Her armchair stands alone.

I sit on the faded velvet,
nudging back the years to …

smooching on the matching sofa
breathless with love ….

waiting with Dad
for my wedding car
nerves gnawing inside …

cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep …

over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we piled in, sipping
the mellow atmosphere.

I caress cherished arms,
sensing her comforting aura…

Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear

It's only a chair, love.

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa,

This poem has moved me a lot. I can't nit or comment as it's way past my bedtime!

But that old armchair is stuffed full of tales to tell, some sad, some happy...but always highly meaningful and touching.

Will return for my next read,
Hugs, Syl***

[Luce]

Not sure what level of crit you would want on this but I'm going to assume you want it at a three, based on your past history.

Luce

I've dragged this out of the archives for a makeover. Just tweaked it a bit.

The Old Arm Chair

I would just say "The Armchair". BTW, I've only seen armchair spelled as one word and not two. If there is an alternate spelling, then please forgive me. I can't seem to find it though with my references.


Merging with mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness,
until I step into her parlour:

L1 - Maybe "emerging from the mizzle" instead. Merging infers that they are one with the drizzle. I think emerging from it makes for a better and clearer image.
L2L3 - I like the "I turn the front door key into emptiness" line.
L4 - Instead of a colon, which looks odd since you're not really listing anything, maybe just a period instead.

gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes swamp the sill.
Her talent paints the walls
exhibited in oils.
Centre floor, a sheepskin
hugs my feet.

L5 - With the above in mind for L4, I would capitalize "gold".
L9 - Instead of "Centre floor" maybe just "In the middle of the floor." Saying "Centre floor" can infer that there is more than one level in the house but you're just in the parlour.

I brush with guests, once
ushered in for tea and cakes,
warmed by their chatter
tinged by laughter.

L11-L14 - I get the impression now that the N is in a "wake" for a loved one.

When the alien scrambled her mind
visitors dwindled with her memory
and don’t seek hospitality
in The Willows.

L15 - I would phrase this line another way. Maybe, "When she started to say that the aliens scrambled her brain," instead. It points out clearly, who is saying it. I'd also put "brain" instead of "mind" so you can use "mind" in L16. See below.
L16 - Not quite sure if "dwindled" is the right tense for this word. Maybe "visitors started to dwindle along with her mind".
L17 - Maybe "didn't" instead of "don't".
L18 - Maybe "at" instead of "in". Maybe add "anymore" after "The Willows".

I sift though drawers and shelves;
China ladies dance adjacent
to a blue glass fish. I see
my grandparents smiling faces

and reminiscences blur until
two burly men arrive to collect
hospital equipment.

L25 - Instead of saying hospital equipment, mention something specific, like hospital bed, IV monitors.
Her armchair stands alone.

L26 - I would state where the armchair is to bring the reader back to the parlour.

I sit on the faded velvet,
nudging back the years to …

L28 - I'd add "when I.." to the end of L28 to lead into the memories.

smooching on the matching sofa
breathless with love ….

waiting with Dad
for my wedding car
nerves gnawing inside …

L29/L31 - Since these are memories, I would put smooch and wait in the past tense like the other memories.

cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep …

over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we piled in, sipping
the mellow atmosphere.

Nice list of memories

I caress cherished arms,
sensing her comforting aura…

L38/L39 - I'd reorder the lines here.

"Sensing her comforting aura
I caress cherished arms..."

Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear

Bring the reader back to the present somehow to make it clear that this is not just another memory of the N's.

I'd leave "I hear" off. The deluge can easily be seen as tears.

It's only a chair, love.

I'd leave this line off. I'd leave it with memories tinged with tears. IMO, it's a stronger image.

It's hard to crit a poem like this since you don't know if this involves the death of a loved one close to the poet. But, I've decided, long ago, to take the approach that what I read I don't automatically assume has happened to the poet. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to crit anything.


Luce

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa,
I've been without Internet for 2 days! How one relies on it! I've come back to read this interesting poem. I can relate to it because I also had a very old armchair or settee that must have lots of stories to tell...wow...it's still in my apartment back in Buenos Aires, nicely covered with new cloth.

I've dragged this out of the archives for a makeover. Just tweaked it a bit.


The Old Arm Chair <<<<<<love the title. I believe it's 'armchair'

Merging with mizzle <<<<<<<Nice allit. for L1.
I turn the front door key
into emptiness,
until I step into her parlour:

One begins to feel the sadness in S1.

gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes swamp the sill.
Her talent paints the walls
exhibited in oils.
Centre floor, a sheepskin
hugs my feet.

I like 'a sheepskin hugs my feet'. Original!

I brush with guests, once
ushered in for tea and cakes,
warmed by their chatter
tinged by laughter.

The above stanza is unclear. Are these echoes of other times, or is it a wake?

When the alien scrambled her mind <<<<'alien' is great. Wish I'd thought of that myself...it really is as if an alien gets into the brain.
visitors dwindled with her memory
and don’t seek hospitality
in The Willows.

I understand about visitors dwindling, it happens...But I'm not sure about L3 and L4.
Is The Willows a home? Who doesn't seek hospitality there? The change of tense is confusing.


I sift though drawers and shelves;
China ladies dance adjacent
to a blue glass fish. I see
my grandparents smiling faces

and reminiscences blur until
two burly men arrive to collect
hospital equipment.

I like the contrast in the above stanzas, when the men arrive to collect hospital equipment and interrupt the blur of reminiscences.


Her armchair stands alone. <<<<<'armchair' is OK here!

I sit on the faded velvet,
nudging back the years to … <<<<<I like 'nudging back the years'. I also appreciate the way you've changed to italics for the happier days.


smooching on the matching sofa
breathless with love ….<<<<<< LOL. I can remember that too!!

waiting with Dad
for my wedding car
nerves gnawing inside …

cushioned, I nursed my boys, <<<<<<<Cushioned better with Caps? As it starts new thoughts. ToT.
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep …

over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we piled in, sipping
the mellow atmosphere.

Not sure about 'we piled in'...do you mean into the sofa? I'm also trying to think of another word for 'sipping'. Maybe 'breathing', 'relishing', enjoying?


I caress cherished arms,
sensing her comforting aura…

Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear

It's only a chair, love.

I love the dual meaning above. The deluge can be rain or tears...nice. The ending is good too, except perhaps you could name the person who says 'It's only...etc.'

Maybe:
'releasing a deluge,
I hear a voice say:

It's only a chair, love' <<<<Last line is very poignant. Rounds it up well.

Hugs, Syl

[Eisa]

Not sure what level of crit you would want on this but I'm going to assume you want it at a three, based on your past history.

Ah! forgot again! Yes I always put 2 or 3 stars Luce - you know me well!

Luce

I've dragged this out of the archives for a makeover. Just tweaked it a bit.

The Old Arm Chair

I would just say "The Armchair". BTW, I've only seen armchair spelled as one word and not two. If there is an alternate spelling, then please forgive me. I can't seem to find it though with my references.

You're right, Luce - it is armchair


Merging with mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness,
until I step into her parlour:

L1 - Maybe "emerging from the mizzle" instead. Merging infers that they are one with the drizzle. I think emerging from it makes for a better and clearer image.
L2L3 - I like the "I turn the front door key into emptiness" line.
L4 - Instead of a colon, which looks odd since you're not really listing anything, maybe just a period instead.

I did actually mean 'merging with mizzle' to show my mood matched the weather.

I agree about the colon - don't know why I put that!


gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes swamp the sill.
Her talent paints the walls
exhibited in oils.
Centre floor, a sheepskin
hugs my feet.

L5 - With the above in mind for L4, I would capitalize "gold".
L9 - Instead of "Centre floor" maybe just "In the middle of the floor." Saying "Centre floor" can infer that there is more than one level in the house but you're just in the parlour.

I didn't think about that!

I brush with guests, once
ushered in for tea and cakes,
warmed by their chatter
tinged by laughter.

L11-L14 - I get the impression now that the N is in a "wake" for a loved one.

No, not a wake, just remembering when the house was filled with friends. I'll see if I can make t clearer


When the alien scrambled her mind
visitors dwindled with her memory
and don’t seek hospitality
in The Willows.

L15 - I would phrase this line another way. Maybe, "When she started to say that the aliens scrambled her brain," instead. It points out clearly, who is saying it. I'd also put "brain" instead of "mind" so you can use "mind" in L16. See below.
L16 - Not quite sure if "dwindled" is the right tense for this word. Maybe "visitors started to dwindle along with her mind".
L17 - Maybe "didn't" instead of "don't".
L18 - Maybe "at" instead of "in". Maybe add "anymore" after "The Willows".

Yes, I'll have to think on tenses here

I sift though drawers and shelves;
China ladies dance adjacent
to a blue glass fish. I see
my grandparents smiling faces

and reminiscences blur until
two burly men arrive to collect
hospital equipment.

L25 - Instead of saying hospital equipment, mention something specific, like hospital bed, IV monitors.

Good idea
Her armchair stands alone.

L26 - I would state where the armchair is to bring the reader back to the parlour.

I sit on the faded velvet,
nudging back the years to …

L28 - I'd add "when I.." to the end of L28 to lead into the memories.

smooching on the matching sofa
breathless with love ….

waiting with Dad
for my wedding car
nerves gnawing inside …

L29/L31 - Since these are memories, I would put smooch and wait in the past tense like the other memories.

cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep …

over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we piled in, sipping
the mellow atmosphere.

Nice list of memories

I caress cherished arms,
sensing her comforting aura…

L38/L39 - I'd reorder the lines here.

"Sensing her comforting aura
I caress cherished arms..."

Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear

Bring the reader back to the present somehow to make it clear that this is not just another memory of the N's.

I'd leave "I hear" off. The deluge can easily be seen as tears.

The deluge was meant to be seen as tears (as well as the weather

It's only a chair, love.

I'd leave this line off. I'd leave it with memories tinged with tears. IMO, it's a stronger image.

Thanks for your very thorough critique, Luce. I may change some things straight away - others I'll think on a while!

It's hard to crit a poem like this since you don't know if this involves the death of a loved one close to the poet. But, I've decided, long ago, to take the approach that what I read I don't automatically assume has happened to the poet. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to crit anything.

True Luce! I always feel even if the poet has lost a loved one they should just put one star critique and explain why.

Thanks
Eira
Luce

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,
I've been without Internet for 2 days! How one relies on it! I've come back to read this interesting poem. I can relate to it because I also had a very old armchair or settee that must have lots of stories to tell...wow...it's still in my apartment back in Buenos Aires, nicely covered with new cloth.

Hi Syl,

How awful when you are without internet - glad to hear it's working now

I've dragged this out of the archives for a makeover. Just tweaked it a bit.


The Old Arm Chair <<<<<<love the title. I believe it's 'armchair'

Yes, it is armchair

Merging with mizzle <<<<<<<Nice allit. for L1.
I turn the front door key
into emptiness,
until I step into her parlour:

One begins to feel the sadness in S1.

gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes swamp the sill.
Her talent paints the walls
exhibited in oils.
Centre floor, a sheepskin
hugs my feet.

I like 'a sheepskin hugs my feet'. Original!

I brush with guests, once
ushered in for tea and cakes,
warmed by their chatter
tinged by laughter.

The above stanza is unclear. Are these echoes of other times, or is it a wake?These are echoes of other times. I'll have to make that clearer

When the alien scrambled her mind <<<<'alien' is great. Wish I'd thought of that myself...it really is as if an alien gets into the brain.
visitors dwindled with her memory
and don’t seek hospitality
in The Willows.

I understand about visitors dwindling, it happens...But I'm not sure about L3 and L4.
Is The Willows a home? Who doesn't seek hospitality there? The change of tense is confusing.


Yes, I think this whole stanza needs to be made clearer

I sift though drawers and shelves;
China ladies dance adjacent
to a blue glass fish. I see
my grandparents smiling faces

and reminiscences blur until
two burly men arrive to collect
hospital equipment.

I like the contrast in the above stanzas, when the men arrive to collect hospital equipment and interrupt the blur of reminiscences.


Her armchair stands alone. <<<<<'armchair' is OK here!

I sit on the faded velvet,
nudging back the years to … <<<<<I like 'nudging back the years'. I also appreciate the way you've changed to italics for the happier days.


smooching on the matching sofa
breathless with love ….<<<<<< LOL. I can remember that too!!

waiting with Dad
for my wedding car
nerves gnawing inside …

cushioned, I nursed my boys, <<<<<<<Cushioned better with Caps? As it starts new thoughts. ToT.
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep …

over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we piled in, sipping
the mellow atmosphere.

Not sure about 'we piled in'...do you mean into the sofa? I'm also trying to think of another word for 'sipping'. Maybe 'breathing', 'relishing', enjoying?


I meant 'piled into the room - perhaps it's not clear

I caress cherished arms,
sensing her comforting aura…

Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear

It's only a chair, love.

I love the dual meaning above. The deluge can be rain or tears...nice. The ending is good too, except perhaps you could name the person who says 'It's only...etc.'

Maybe:
'releasing a deluge,
I hear a voice say:

It's only a chair, love' <<<<Last line is very poignant. Rounds it up well.

Thanks Syl, your thoughts have been most helpful.

Hugs
Eira

Hugs, Syl

[greenwich]

Very moving and wonderfully held together. Memory has a touch, and it's for us the fortunate readers. Closing line "Outside the clouds open; releasing a deluge I hear" is great and it brings back the opening line, "merging with the mizzle". Thank you

[Eisa]

Very moving and wonderfully held together. Memory has a touch, and it's for us the fortunate readers. Closing line "Outside the clouds open; releasing a deluge I hear" is great and it brings back the opening line, "merging with the mizzle". Thank you

Thank you Antony. I will be making a few minor tweaks soon.

Eira

[Eisa]

A revision at last!

Eira