Let Me...Revision 3, Rhymed Poetry (not fixed Form) Options

[Judi]

Revision 3

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips, feel crags
and valleys of the face I know so well;
Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core
of my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon
the evening wind;
A gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.

Let me tell you of a quiet
place where there's no time
except the present,
and no past to mourn;
Where subtle shades of right
and wrong blend into tapestries,
a place where hope is born.

Let my love protect and guide
you on life's highway while
you're far away;
Mere words cannot express how
lost I am without you here today.

Judith Anne Labriola

Revision 2

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips, feel crags
and valleys of the face I love so well.

Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core
of my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon
the evening wind,

a gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.

Let me tell you of a quiet
place where there's no time
except the present,
and no past to mourn.

Where subtle shades of right
and wrong blend into tapestries,
a place where hope is born.

May my love protect and guide
you while you're so far away,

for words cannot express how
lost I am without you here today.

Judith Anne Labriola




Revision One
Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips feel crags
and valleys of a face I love so well.
Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core of
my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon the
evening wind,
a gentle song of wandering, of
loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.

Let me tell you of a quiet
splace where there's no
time except the present,
and no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades of
right and wrong blend into
tapestries, a place where
hope is born.

May my love protect and guide
you while you're so far away,
for words cannot express how
lost I am with you not here today.

Judith Anne Labriola


Original
Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingers, feel the crags
and valleys of the face I love so well.
Let me place your head between
my hands, as eyes of blue
look through me, to the core of
my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon the
evening wind,
a gentle song of wandering, of
loneliness, a song of coming
home again.

Let me tell you of a quiet
place where there's no
time except the present,
with no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades of
right and wrong blend into
tapestries, a place where
hope is born.

May my love protect and guide
you while you're far away and
I am missing you.
Let tomorrow find its way to us
and bring you home so we can
start anew.

Judith Anne Labriola

[/center][center]

[Merlin]

Hi Judy,
Zounds like you're gonna sing me a western song, complete with "Ma" in there somewhere. (V2)

Enjoyed the mind-trip. I'd reconsider if V4 is necessary.

Merlin


btw, in my opinion, "eyes of blue" is so - OH NO!

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Judi, I think its lovely.

You say 'Not a fixed form,' but it is iambic/trochaic. You say 'Rhymed' but the rhyme is random; I thought it would have end rhymes with all the awkwardness that can cause, but you've scattered rhyme throughout in a natural way. You've used assonance too.

This is similar to what passes as free form when I try to write that way.


There are a few bits you may want to revise though. I agree with Merlin about the -gasp-oh no-

'eyes of blue' is an inversion, which always causes a wagging finger, these days; we use the language of our times, (English as she is spoke, hahahahaha.) Also, 'eyes of blue' is a cliche.

But I love the idea of it, the feel of it. Cool.

[Judi]

Hi Judy,
Zounds like you're gonna sing me a western song, complete with "Ma" in there somewhere. (V2)

Enjoyed the mind-trip. I'd reconsider if V4 is necessary.

Merlin


btw, in my opinion, "eyes of blue" is so - OH NO!

Ha...Ok...Blue Eyes are gone, lol
Hmmmmmm I had thought about that..I need to see if ending it with V 3 is too abrupt.

Thanks a lot for your input....I never thought of this as a country western song...but everyone has their own interpretation for another's words.

Funny thing is, I do write music.....but Never considered this to be considered as a song.. Thanks for the input Merlin...Let's see what I can do about a new ending or dropping 4 completely! Judy

[Merlin]

Hey Judy,

Blue eyes = good
Eyes of blue = argh!

I was referring to V2 as a cw song, but now that you mention it, you've got the makins in the entire (not especially cw). For an ending, my preference would be short and sweet, rather than drawn out>>>

Let my love protect and guide
you while you're gone.

Others may differ.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hi Judi,

I just had a wonderful criitque all done and went to hit post and well, an error on computer came up and the horrific 'microsoft send/don't send' window appear and I lost it all. I do hope to remember all I had as I was on a role! LOL

First, I think you have a lovely rhythm here that gives this a songlike, musical tone. It is pleasant to read aloud and your inner rhymes are not overly done, but soft to the ear and pleasing as well. I would agree this could be a song.

My personal opinion with this is some of the line breaks could be improved, as I don't find any set line length carried through, so this should be easy to accomplish. I personally think this might serve well in FV (seren's forum) as I think it would work best there.

Anywho, I loved many of your images, and some I felt could use improving... I'll jump on the ban wagon for 'eyes of blue" I am guilty of using that several times in the past and have learned that wagging finger is found in many places! LOL ... off to my critique as I don't want to lose it again.

Best Wishes, LIz

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingers, feel the crags
and valleys of the face I love so well.
Let me place your head between
my hands, as eyes of blue
look through me, to the core of
my most hidden self.

L2, I kept feeling like I wanted to read 'fingertips' to offer that more personal, almost sensual image. I liked the use of crags, defines the subject and offers the reader a further view of character and image. I didn't like much of the use 'I love so well' I found that also cliche. Some suggestions on line breaks and alternatives... Please use what is helpful to you and please disregard what isn't working for you.


Example

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingerstips, feel the crags
and valleys of eac feature I adore.
Place your head between my hands
while blue eyes burn through me
deep into the core my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon the
evening wind,
a gentle song of wandering, of
loneliness, a song of coming
home again.

Again, some minor line break suggestions and a couple of word alternatives, such as hymn in place of song in L4.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates with evening winds,
a gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness ... a hymn of coming home again.

Let me tell you of a quiet
place where there's no
time except the present,
with no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades of
right and wrong blend into
tapestries, a place where
hope is born.

Some weeding out of repeated words, such as place and tell ...


Let me speak of quiet spaces,
where there's no time but the present,
no past to mourn, no worry of tomorrow,
just subtle shades of right and wrong
which blend into tapestries,
a place where all hope is born.

May my love protect and guide
you while you're far away and
I am missing you.
Let tomorrow find its way to us
and bring you home so we can
start anew
Judith Anne Labriola

Some further line breaks ...

May my love protect and guide you
while you're far away,
Let tomorrow find its way to us
and bring you home to me
and let us start anew...
because words can't tell
how much of me, is lost in missing you.

[Judi]

Hi Judi,

I just had a wonderful criitque all done and went to hit post and well, an error on computer came up and the horrific 'microsoft send/don't send' window appear and I lost it all. I do hope to remember all I had as I was on a role! LOL

First, I think you have a lovely rhythm here that gives this a songlike, musical tone. It is pleasant to read aloud and your inner rhymes are not overly done, but soft to the ear and pleasing as well. I would agree this could be a song.

My personal opinion with this is some of the line breaks could be improved, as I don't find any set line length carried through, so this should be easy to accomplish. I personally think this might serve well in FV (seren's forum) as I think it would work best there.

Anywho, I loved many of your images, and some I felt could use improving... I'll jump on the ban wagon for 'eyes of blue" I am guilty of using that several times in the past and have learned that wagging finger is found in many places! LOL ... off to my critique as I don't want to lose it again.

Best Wishes, LIz

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingers, feel the crags
and valleys of the face I love so well.
Let me place your head between
my hands, as eyes of blue
look through me, to the core of
my most hidden self.

L2, I kept feeling like I wanted to read 'fingertips' to offer that more personal, almost sensual image. I liked the use of crags, defines the subject and offers the reader a further view of character and image. I didn't like much of the use 'I love so well' I found that also cliche. Some suggestions on line breaks and alternatives... Please use what is helpful to you and please disregard what isn't working for you.


Example

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingerstips, feel the crags
and valleys of eac feature I adore.
Place your head between my hands
while blue eyes burn through me
deep into the core my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon the
evening wind,
a gentle song of wandering, of
loneliness, a song of coming
home again.

Again, some minor line break suggestions and a couple of word alternatives, such as hymn in place of song in L4.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates with evening winds,
a gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness ... a hymn of coming home again.

Let me tell you of a quiet
place where there's no
time except the present,
with no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades of
right and wrong blend into
tapestries, a place where
hope is born.

Some weeding out of repeated words, such as place and tell ...


Let me speak of quiet spaces,
where there's no time but the present,
no past to mourn, no worry of tomorrow,
just subtle shades of right and wrong
which blend into tapestries,
a place where all hope is born.

May my love protect and guide
you while you're far away and
I am missing you.
Let tomorrow find its way to us
and bring you home so we can
start anew
Judith Anne Labriola

Some further line breaks ...

May my love protect and guide you
while you're far away,
Let tomorrow find its way to us
and bring you home to me
and let us start anew...
because words can't tell
how much of me, is lost in missing you.

Thanks so much...I really love this addition and will work it into the last verse. You all have such good ideas...I will have my revision on later today. Hugs to all, Judi

[AMETHYST]

Hi Judi,

just some further feedback on the revision. There is alots of improvements, however many of the line breaks are left on weak ending words, especially in S2. Some in stanza comments to follow. I hope something helps...

Hugs, Liz

Revision One...

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips feel crags
and valleys of a face I love so well.
Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core of
my most hidden self.


I like the use of hazel. A lot fresher than blue eyes and more intense in describing seductive eyes (I have hazel eyes so I smile) ...
L6, I would suggest bringing 'of' down to begin L7.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon the
evening wind,
a gentle song of wandering, of
loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.

L2, perhaps ending with evening winds,
maybe even ... tune that resonates (line break) / upon the evening wind,
L4, again ending with of is extremely weak and I would suggest bringing it down to the next line.as well as ending on coming...
Of course this may be my own preference, but I have found these words seem to dangle without any real purpose yet holding important positions within the context.

Let me tell you of a quiet
splace where there's no
time except the present,
and no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades of
right and wrong blend into
tapestries, a place where
hope is born.

L2, typo omit the s before place. And perhaps bring up 'time' from L3.
Again, In L5 ending with of, just weakings the follow through of the context.
Example:
Let me tell you of a quiet
splace where there's no time
except the present,
and no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades
of right and wrong blend
into tapestries,
a place where hope is born.


May my love protect and guide
you while you're so far away,
for words cannot express how
lost I am with you not here today.

very nice ending.

Judith Anne Labriola

Hope I haven' worn out my welcome here! Giggle.

Hugs, Liz

[Judi]

Hi Judi,

just some further feedback on the revision. There is alots of improvements, however many of the line breaks are left on weak ending words, especially in S2. Some in stanza comments to follow. I hope something helps...

Hugs, Liz

Revision One...

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips feel crags
and valleys of a face I love so well.
Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core of
my most hidden self.


I like the use of hazel. A lot fresher than blue eyes and more intense in describing seductive eyes (I have hazel eyes so I smile) ...
L6, I would suggest bringing 'of' down to begin L7.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon the
evening wind,
a gentle song of wandering, of
loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.

L2, perhaps ending with evening winds,
maybe even ... tune that resonates (line break) / upon the evening wind,
L4, again ending with of is extremely weak and I would suggest bringing it down to the next line.as well as ending on coming...
Of course this may be my own preference, but I have found these words seem to dangle without any real purpose yet holding important positions within the context.

Let me tell you of a quiet
splace where there's no
time except the present,
and no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades of
right and wrong blend into
tapestries, a place where
hope is born.

L2, typo omit the s before place. And perhaps bring up 'time' from L3.
Again, In L5 ending with of, just weakings the follow through of the context.
Example:
Let me tell you of a quiet
splace where there's no time
except the present,
and no past to mourn,
Where subtle shades
of right and wrong blend
into tapestries,
a place where hope is born.


May my love protect and guide
you while you're so far away,
for words cannot express how
lost I am with you not here today.

very nice ending.

Judith Anne Labriola

Hope I haven' worn out my welcome here! Giggle.

Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz...Nah, you could never wear out your welcome. I had to laugh, because in your crit before this one, you suggested space and when I changed it I forgot to take out the p, which ended up splace, lol...actually Ilked place anyway.

I have always been terrible on line breaks, so Feel Freeto clobber me on them any time and Know I will appreciate your help. I am so glad I found this board. BTW, I have hazel eyes too... Judi

[Guest_Don_*]

My only comment is to agree with Kathy and Amethyst that this fits free verse more than structured.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

This poem is full of lovely images and heartfelt emotion. A job well done IMO!

Just a few thoughts for you to consider... use or lose as you see fit!

Cathy

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips, feel crags
and valleys of the face I love so well.

Maybe 'know' instead of 'love' in line 3, showing that you've done this many times.

Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core
of my most hidden self.

I feel this verse could be tightened up a bit and since you don't use 'Let me' at the beginning of every one what about something like... (Maybe even changing 'hidden' to 'intimate')

I cradle your head in my hands
as your hazel eyes
burn through to the core
of my most intimate self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon
the evening wind,

a gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.

I love the imagery in the verses above. It shows a determination and a hope for return~

Let me tell you of a quiet
place where there's no time
except the present,
and no past to mourn.

Where subtle shades of right
and wrong blend into tapestries,
a place where hope is born.

I think that the above two verses should be connected with a semi-colon... they are so tightly woven together.

May my love protect and guide
you while you're so far away,

for words cannot express how
lost I am without you here today.

You've no idea how this poem has touched my heart. I won't bore you with explanations, just know that it helped to lighten the load a bit! Thanks for posting it~

Cathy

[Judi]

Thanks so much Kathy..

I have joined several of the verses together since your suggestion that I join one of them...actually these were joined before and I separated but I like them together better than separated..I also used know instead of love. thanks for the great ideas...I always appreciate them and LISTEN to them. Judi

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Judi.

What a touching poem! I've enjoyed the revisions and am here to offer a few more ideas to ponder as you wish. As always please take or toss.

Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete} (comment)

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips, feel crags
and {valleys} [vales] of the face I know so well; (I would change this to an endstop)
Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core
of my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon
the evening wind;
A gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.
Lovely!

Let me tell you of a {quiet
place} [sanctuary] where there's no time
except the present, (a bit cliché – how about: “where time is eternal”)
and {no} [the] past [conceals a need] to mourn;
Where subtle shades of right
and wrong blend into tapestries{,}[;]
a place where hope is born.

Let my love protect and guide
you on life's highway while (cliché – suggest something like: life’s crossing)
you're far away{;}[…[ or [;]
Mere words cannot express {how} [the depth of loss]
{lost} I {am} [endure] without you here today.

[Judi]

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips, feel crags
and {valleys} [vales] of the face I know so well; (I would change this to an endstop) I will! ...I need valleys for my meter..
Added period

Let me place your head between
my hands, as hazel eyes burn
through me, to the core
of my most hidden self.

Let me sing to you a crooning
tune that resonates upon
the evening wind;
A gentle song of wandering,
of loneliness, a hymn of coming
home again.
Lovely!

Let me tell you of a {quiet
place} [sanctuary] where there's no time
except the present, (a bit cliché – how about: “where time is eternal”)
I will have to think about that one!
This spoils my rhyme ..

and {no} [the] past [conceals a need] to mourn;

Where subtle shades of right
and wrong blend into tapestries,
a place where hope is born.

Thanks Lori, Just because I may not use what you suggested does not mean I won't adjust it somehow..but I have to watch my meter and rhyme. I have added periods where you suggested. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this! Judi

[Mary Boren]

Let me trace your cheekbones
with my fingertips, feel crags
and valleys of the face I know so well;

I love the way this starts out, Judy. If you followed the soothing metrical pattern of the first three lines throughout, then you would have a rhyme and meter poem. As it stands now, it is free verse with rhyme. Not a criticism, just a fact. You have some lovely lines here.

Mary