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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Voice in the Dark

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 3 05, 06:55

Voice in the Dark

I’m feeling He’s abandoned me;
a spiral down won’t set me free...
I need to cling,
remembering, when I’ve no sight,
the things He’s shown me in the light...
in darkness, sing.

“How can you sing!” a voice may blare.
“It’s obvious He doesn’t care;
just face the facts.”
Amid the drone of dark despair,
a still, small Voice is always there;
on this I act.

God is near the broken-hearted,
hears before a prayer is started...
been there too...
near the one whose spirit’s crushed;
“I’ll never leave you.” List now… hushed...
He cries with you.

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Feb 2005
Psalm 34:18

Posted by: Feb 3 05, 07:11

Dear Daniel,

Thank you, this is very beautiful.

And I say that from a non-believer viewpoint, and accept the comfort that this verse will bring to any in the situation described - it surpasses any barriers that I may or may not have ....

Perhaps I mean that despite myself I believe in BELIEF, if not in the specific entities this particular verse is addressed to.

In case you want to make S2 a perfect rhyme :

“How can you sing!” a voice may blare.
“It’s obvious He doesn’t care;
just face that fact.” -- t or t

Well done.

Love
Alan

Posted by: JLY Feb 3 05, 11:07

Daniel,
This is an uplifting piece. The following lines are most poignant;

Amid the drone of dark despair,
a still, small Voice is always there;

No crits from me; very nicely done.
JLY

Posted by: Don Feb 3 05, 11:47

Hi Just Daniel,

A nice piece, which reminded me of Milton's on going blind. Competitive similarity no, just the subject and rationalization by God's grace.

S1, L5:
I suggest for improved sentence structure:

I need to cling, ( comma equal to word "and")
remember~~ing~~, when I’ve no sight,
the things.........

I am particularly attached to your capitalization of "Voice" denoting deity.

Don

Posted by: Cybele Feb 4 05, 05:08

Hello Daniel,

You have me foxed. What is a logarhyme?

I only know this is very beautiful and touching.

God is near the broken-hearted,
hears before a prayer is started...
been there too...
near the one whose spirit’s crushed;
“I’ll never leave you.” List now… hushed...
He cries with you.

L1/2 Wonderful!!

L5

!I'll never leave you." List now- hush ? (To keep the present tense?)

Loved the read Daniel

Posted by: jgdittier Feb 4 05, 08:24

Posted by: Siren Feb 4 05, 16:54

Hello Daniel,

Because I can relate to this, it has hit me deeply. Ofcourse your style is a booster to that impact. :)

There's a lot in this that works very well. You know me with meter, so what I offer isn't based on knowledge only on what reads smoothly to me, Ok?

S 2 L4

Amid the drone of dark despair,

This line made me stumble a bit. It felt heavy in contrast to the smoothness of the rest of the flow here.

That's just my impression, otherwise, this is a topic I've come to enjoy mostly because my step towards God has gotten closer and I'm relishing the feeling of it. :)

Thanks for sharing it and as always a great read.

Hugs
Dani

Posted by: heartsong7 Feb 5 05, 11:18

Hi Daniel...This delivers a fine message to fit the form very well....
easily grasped and smoothly executed.
my only nit would be that in S3, L2 reads awkwardly to me.
hears before a prayer is started...
How about...
"hears each prayer before it's stated"

I enjoyed this poetic wisdom.
sue

Posted by: Perrorist Feb 5 05, 11:34

Hi, Daniel

I'm not a spiritual person but I enjoyed this piece immensely.

Well done.

Perry

Posted by: Athena Feb 7 05, 01:50

QUOTE(Just Daniel @ Feb. 03 2005, 04:55)

Hi Daniel,

This is poignantly marvelous! I feel every word ... every line. I think most of us have felt we've been "abandoned" by God at certain times in our lives.

Voice in the Dark

I’m feeling He’s abandoned me;
a spiral down won’t set me free... what do you mean in this line?
I need to cling,
remembering, when I’ve no sight,
the things He’s shown me in the light...
in darkness, sing.
How well I identify with these four lines ....

“How can you sing!” a voice may blare.
“It’s obvious He doesn’t care;
just face the facts.” Ahhh I hear the enemie's words here as he works on all of us!
Amid the drone of dark despair,
a still, small Voice is always there;
on this I act. Yes, wonderfully expressed ...

God is near the broken-hearted,
hears before a prayer is started...
been there too...
near the one whose spirit’s crushed;
“I’ll never leave you.” List now… hushed...
He cries with you.

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Feb 2005
Psalm 34:18

I think John's words about this poem being very uplifting is something I thoroughly agree with. It began in despair, and then hearing Him through tender whispers, we read how He lifts, strengthens, and gives us hope and promise for tomorrow.

Brilliantly written, my friend,

Blessings, Dolly

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Feb 7 05, 06:28

Hi Daniel.

A piece that really sends a heartfelt message - well done!

My only nit is here in L2:
I’m feeling He’s abandoned me;
a spiral down won’t set me free...

I cannotthink of a good alternative though - it's the word 'down'?

A spiral that won't set me free perhaps?

Anyway - well received and a very good piece! :lovie:

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 16:40

QUOTE(Alan @ Feb. 03 2005, 07:11)

Thank you, this is very beautiful.

And I say that from a non-believer viewpoint, and accept the comfort that this verse will bring to any in the situation described - it surpasses any barriers that I may or may not have ....

Perhaps I mean that despite myself I believe in BELIEF, if not in the specific entities this particular verse is addressed to.

In case you want to make S2 a perfect rhyme :

“How can you sing!” a voice may blare.
“It’s obvious He doesn’t care;
just face that fact.” -- t or t

Well done.

Thank you SO very much, Alan. Your words could not be more affirming, my friend!

As to the suggestion for perfect rhyme, I had those exact words in mind, but thought I'd venture into near rhyme (which I've been reluctant to do in the past) to see what kind of reaction I might get. I do appreciate your mentioning it as a kind of distraction?

appreciating your Light, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 17:15

QUOTE(JLY @ Feb. 03 2005, 11:07)

Daniel,
This is an uplifting piece. The following lines are most poignant;

Amid the drone of dark despair,
a still, small Voice is always there;

No crits from me; very nicely done.
JLY

I'm very pleased that those two lines ingaged you, my friend. Your observation IS your crit... and I thank you for it.

deLightingly, Daniel :sun:

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 17:24

QUOTE(Don @ Feb. 03 2005, 11:47)

A nice piece, which reminded me of Milton's on going blind. Competitive similarity no, just the subject and rationalization by God's grace.

S1, L5: I suggest for improved sentence structure:

I need to cling, ( comma equal to word "and")
remember~~ing~~, when I’ve no sight,
the things.........

I am particularly attached to your capitalization of "Voice" denoting deity.

Thank you, Don, for not putting me in competition with the likes of Milton! But an interesting comparison in subject matter. There are a number of hymns that come to mind with the same theme, come to think of it. Honestly, I miss that kind of hymns in worship these days -- music with words of some substance.

As to the suggestion, I'm not quite sure I understand the improvement in sentence structure. Perhaps I'm too close to it... BUT your suggestion, however much appreciated, would destroy the metrical pattern. To me sentence structure is of utmost importance, so if I've violated it somehow, please know that I'd rework it and rework it to correct the problem within the metrical stricture. Having a piece that is metrically correct without being in correct English is NOT my goal, be assured.

appreciating your Light, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 17:40

QUOTE(Cybele @ Feb. 04 2005, 05:08)

You have me foxed. What is a logarhyme?

[ LogaRhyme was 'invented' last year by one Keith Logan in another site, and I've come to love it. It can be used for frivolous subject matter much as a limerick can, or it can be quite majestic. The change in pace within the framework of its form can be very useful, methinks.

Basicially, it is a piece written with as many stanzas as desired, USUALLY in iambic tetrameter (IT - four daDUMs) and iambic dimeter (ID - two daDUMS), with a rhyme pattern aabccb, with the a and c lines in IT, and the b lines in ID. ]

I only know this is very beautiful and touching.

God is near the broken-hearted,
hears before a prayer is started...
been there too...
near the one whose spirit’s crushed;
“I’ll never leave you.” List now… hushed...
He cries with you.

L1/2 Wonderful!!

L5 "I'll never leave you." List now- hush ? (To keep the present tense?)

[ I'm trying to 'admonish' the subject of the poem to LISTEN to what is in a hushed voice... the crying (for us). Perhaps I should simply say "Hear" for "List"? ]

Loved the read Daniel

Hi, Grace!

Thank you SO much for for your helpful suggestions... as always. I sense that that particular line is simply not clear yet, and I'd appreciate ANYONE's thoughts on it!

always appreciating others' Light, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 17:51

QUOTE(jgdittier @ Feb. 04 2005, 08:24)

Dear Just Daniel,
I suppose for most poets mastery of message is more important than mastery of technique.
Another way of saying it is being able to do both serious and light poetry is the test of the true poet. Mastering technique of presentation may relate more to verse than poetry.
[ Could you clarify for me the distinction you make between 'verse' and 'poetry' ? ]
I had come to think of you as primarily dedicated to "light", but this piece proves to me you reach the heartstrings too!
[ I'm most appreciative of your observation... and I regret at times that I HAVE often given the impression that I don't take anything seriously. Actually, I often use my humor to take the edge off of what is very serious so that I can endure it... It's just that I've long had a tendency to get carried away with it, giving the impression that I don't have a serious thought in my head. THAT I regret...

especially since the very purpose of my wanting to 'master' poetry is to communicate serious statements with power and feeling, communicating to persons as a whole in their mind and "gut"... and left and right brain at the same time. Humor can help... or hinder! ]

humbled in deLight, Daniel

Posted by: Cybele Feb 7 05, 17:57

Hi Daniel,

[ I'm trying to 'admonish' the subject of the poem to LISTEN to what is in a hushed voice... the crying (for us). Perhaps I should simply say "Hear" for "List"? ]

I understand what you are trying to say now Daniel, and I think you could easily overcome the problem by say

I’ll never leave you.” Listen! Hush!
He cries with you.

(which wouldn't interfere with the meter and would convey the meaning very clearly. T or T Daniel.

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 18:00

QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 04 2005, 16:54)

Because I can relate to this, it has hit me deeply. Of course your style is a booster to that impact. :)

There's a lot in this that works very well. You know me with meter, so what I offer isn't based on knowledge; only on what reads smoothly to me, Ok?

S 2 L4 Amid the drone of dark despair,

This line made me stumble a bit. It felt heavy in contrast to the smoothness of the rest of the flow here.

[ I wish I could FEEL the stumble with you, Dani. I think we need another walk-through session with meter, huh? You know, those IM's with STRESSED beats all in CAPS and unstressed in small letters? That might help me get where you're stumbling? ]

That's just my impression; otherwise, this is a topic I've come to enjoy mostly because my step towards God has gotten closer and I'm relishing the feeling of it. :) [ ... and of course I'm pleased with that! ]

Thanks for sharing it and as always a great read.

Hugs, Dani

Hugs back, my friend...

always appreciating your Light, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 05, 18:11

QUOTE(heartsong7 @ Feb. 05 2005, 11:18)

This delivers a fine message to fit the form very well....
easily grasped and smoothly executed.
my only nit would be that in S3, L2 reads awkwardly to me.
hears before a prayer is started...
How about...
"hears each prayer before it's stated"

I enjoyed this poetic wisdom.
sue

I think you may be right, Susan. I think the words that I chose were exactly those of the person speaking on this passage, so I may have adopted them verbatim; I'm not sure. You know how it is once you have a pattern of words fixed in your mind... that make perfect sense to you, since you know what they mean... and you lose objectivity about their communication when you write them down! I'll ponder this for sure for my soon-coming revision. The meaning of both phrases is essentially the same, so let me consider the emphases of each.

appreciative always of your Light, Daniel

Posted by: Don Feb 7 05, 20:00

QUOTE(Just Daniel @ Feb. 07 2005, 17:24)

QUOTE(Don @ Feb. 03 2005, 11:47)

S1, L5: I suggest for improved sentence structure:

I need to cling, ( comma equal to word "and")
remember~~ing~~, when I’ve no sight,
the things.........

As to the suggestion, I'm not quite sure I understand the improvement in sentence structure. Perhaps I'm too close to it... BUT your suggestion, however much appreciated, would destroy the metrical pattern. To me sentence structure is of utmost importance, so if I've violated it somehow, please know that I'd rework it and rework it to correct the problem within the metrical stricture. Having a piece that is metrically correct without being in correct English is NOT my goal, be assured.

appreciating your Light, Daniel

Dear Just D,

I am sure that "remembering" is acceptable as parenthetical espression enclosed by commas. No grammar conflicts destroying metrics after all.

Don