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> pale horse rider, (content)
Guest_sampo_*
post Feb 28 07, 12:03
Post #1





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(apology to marcus edward man snr.)


anti-septic atmosphere
infused into the stagnance
of sun dead hallways -

my footsteps forced forward.

room 103

stagnance goes bleep
amid nests of tubes, weighs
down the scaffold beds
with curtain walls, then falls
out a dim window
onto the sidewalk.

bed 4

i take the chair beside a white
mound with bones beneath,
listening to the rattle of his up,
down chest,

then shuffle car magazines
until he wakes.

morning.
morning, son... glad you came.
me too.
where's your mother?
she's sick.
damn good cover.


[insert forced laughter.]

well, i haven't tasted anything in months, you know?
yeah, i believe it.
then, why don't you help your old man out to the balcony?
so you can smoke?
so i can smoke.
you know...


(marcus, this is dr. lokukatagoda.
good morning, dr... um, how's my father?
well, we blah, metastasis, blah, blah...
done everything we can.
done?)


... okay.
that's a good kid, man even.
the fuck i am,

where's the bathroom?
out and left.
i'll be back

in a sec.



escape down the metal shaft, winded
by shame, knots i need to cough out.

past old men in white dresses,
umbilicaled to machine, being wheeled round
and round fluorescent linoleum.

across the road -
o'malleys pub.
to a drowsy barkeep;

bourbon and coke,
deck of marlboro.



embedded in a garden of ashtrays,
watching the ten storey tombstone
lean over a flatlined horizon,

windglass in the eye waters.

i must go back,
i must go.
 
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Arnfinn
post Mar 2 07, 03:53
Post #2


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QUOTE (sampo @ Feb 28 07, 17:03 ) [snapback]92006[/snapback]
(apology to marcus edward man snr.)

G'day, sampo.

Interesting poem detective.gif

I'm not sure about the spelling and words used in your poem.
However, you are the poet, and it's your perogative to create and shape your thoughts, then set the finished product (stanzas) before the reader.

I've set out some suggestions (take or leave)



(anti-septic) atmosphere <<< change to 'antiseptic'
infused into the (stagnance) <<< maybe change to 'stagnancy'
of sun dead hallways -


my footsteps forced forward. <<< I get the impression the meaning of this line (to Me) is ' I don't want to go into room 103, but I have to.' <<< how about changing to something abstract 'my footsteps in decay.'

room 103

stagnance goes bleep <<< Mate, 'stagnance' not an English word, no reason for not to use it though. However, you've used it (stagnance) in the first stanza...Perhaps it would be better to define 'what goes bleep' <<< something like 'monitor goes bleep'
amid nests of tubes, weighs <<< perhaps 'behind a nest of tubes'
down the scaffold bed(s) bed<<< should be singular.
Perhaps 'that weigh down a scaffold bed'. By the way mate, I like very much 'scaffold bed' a good metaphor, hospital beds are like scaffolding. gandalfg.gif
with curtain walls, then (falls) <<< delete 'falls' a good word to use here is 'resonates' or something similar.
out a dim window
(unto) the sidewalk. <<< 'onto'

bed 4

i take (the) chair beside a white <<< 'a chair'
mound with bones beneath,
listening to the rattle of his up, <<< 'and listen to the rattle of an up and down chest'

down chest,

then shuffle car magazines
until he wakes.

morning.
morning, son... glad you came.
me too.
where's your mother?
she's sick.
damn good cover.


[insert forced laughter.] <<< do you need this phrase?

well, i haven't tasted anything in months, you know?
yeah, i believe it.
then, why don't you help your old man out to the balcony?
so you can smoke?
so i can smoke.
you know... <<< Do you think this line is necessary?


(marcus, this is dr. lokukatagoda. <<< italics
good morning, dr... um, how's my father? <<< italics
well, we blah, metastasis, blah, blah... <<< delete 'we'
done everything we can. <<< change too 'we've done everything we can'
done?)


... okay.
that's a good kid, man even. <<< do not understand? Explain mate.
the fuck i am, <<< ?

where's the bathroom? <
out and left.
i'll be back

in a sec.


escape down the metal shaft, winded
by shame, knots i need to cough out. <<< Don't understand mate? gandalfg.gif explain?

past old men in white dresses,
umbilicaled to machine, being wheeled round <<< 'umbilicated'? perhaps ' hooked to machines, wheeled around and around flourescent linoleum.'
and round fluorescent linoleum.

across the road -
o'malleys pub. <<< perhaps ' in O'malley's pub', rewrite below
to a drowsy barkeep;

[i] bourbon and coke,
deck of marlboro.



Rewrite


across the road --
in O'mally's pub,
a drowsy barkeep--
bourbon and coke
a deck of Marlboro.


This 2nd last stanza mate? You'll have to explain.

embedded in a garden of ashtrays,
watching the ten storey tombstone <<< I take this to be the hospital?
lean over a flatlined horizon,

windglass in the eye waters.

i must go back,
i must go.



Well mate, I've given you my complete ideas.

This is a sad poem.

You show a (to me) different, honest, approach.

A kind of freshness.

I'll be looking forward to a revision (If you so desire) and some more of your poetry.

Welcome to MM.



John.


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azurepoetry
post Mar 2 07, 16:26
Post #3


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Referred By:justdaniel



Hello sampo,

i am pressed for time as i must go back to work tonight.

John has given you some sound advice within his crit. Let me add a couple of things.
First off, i get the point of the metal shaft = elevator and the feel that the N (narrator) is in descent, but i don't think that comes across, esp. since there was no preparation beforehand to give the reader a chance to get it.
Your first real hit comes in the dialogue and the [insert forced laughter] line.

My advice: Change the first stanza. Sun-dead hallways and the set up of stagnation are fine, but there is not set up for the N's feelings. Even a line about the N's trepidation and the unease, counterpointed by the antiseptic, orderly environment of a hospital.

Another thought: consider holding the setting titles to include the change up with the doctor, maybe even move it to a nurses' station--still spliced into the room conversation--and then perhaps the N makes his way "down", perhaps just a little double meaning in the writing could let the elevator be there along with the "sinking feeling" you are going for and, finally, place the 'title' of O'Malley's Pub and leave it out of the thought-speak with just the words attributed to the N's inability to deal with his father's situation in the hospital.

My last nit for now: consider alluding to something about the severity of the ailment. i would surmise it is serious, if not life-threatening, but even admist the blah-blah-blah, you could include something like this...

blah-blah-spread to lungs--blah-blah--inoperable-blah-blah-diddy-blah.

You get my point. i am sorry to be so short with you.
This poem has a lot of bravery and honesty that is refreshing and should be in poetry in general, imo. You have a winning piece that needs some tuning.

Good luck, i'll be back later to address anything i've mentioned that you need clarification and i'll try and keep an eye on this one's developement.

~tim


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AMETHYST
post Mar 6 07, 09:50
Post #4


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Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hello Sampo,

I see you've received 2 very strong feedbacks and I have been waiting for your return to reply to them to see what your true intent is for those changes, as if you decide to adapt the change that Tim has suggested, I had other suggestions or ideas I wanted to share in light of that turn about. I think his suggestion is certainly worthy of looking into, it brings a deeper dimension to the over all poem.

There is a lot I like about this and some few things I don't as it stands. It also is something that I can relate to, as I was my father's care taker during his time after diagnosis of Squamicell Carcinoma. They gave him a month after that and he lived a year. But the words came in a blurr as you've depicted and as I read this, I felt the narrator was going through that swimming, underwater feeling of things coming in bits and waves, only specific words stick out, and I think you've really brought this action/reaction out very well... I also liked many of your word choices and the break down of your stanza's.


Some thoughts in stanza...

Best Wishes with this, I do hope to read your responses soon as I think you will get many more critiques.

Best Wshes, Liz




QUOTE
anti-septic atmosphere
infused into the stagnance
of sun dead hallways -

I liked the opening stanza, in that it invites the reader to use all their senses, the memory of scents of a hospital ... Some fleshing out; you might consider... omitting the 'the' in L2 before stagnance.

my footsteps forced forward.

Alliteration is often funny, just the right amount or just the right combination of sounds, and presto they make the poem come to life, too much or awkward combinations, make it sound weak. This line (especially left on its own) doesn't work well. Perhaps just omitting it or

'forcing my footsteps forward."


room 103
I think your use of points of travel in your poem work well. It sets the reader up with a scene filling their mind, as they would approach room 103, along the stagnant hallway -

stagnance goes bleep
amid nests of tubes, weighs
down the scaffold beds
with curtain walls, then falls
out a dim window
onto the sidewalk.

Either another alternative for 'stagnance' here (and goes bleep) didn't touch me, I wanted something else to go bleep, something perhaps metaphorical or more specific - I don't see stagnance as it. I also felt a bit confused about what followed. Was it in the narrators mind? His/Her understanding of what is around him/her--I felt the descriptions were strong, but followed by falls out of a window onto the sidewalk just sort of left me wondering what it referred to? ...


bed 4

i take the chair beside a white
mound with bones beneath,
listening to the rattle of his up,
down chest,

I liked this. There is so much opportunity to become creative and original here, just think of the line '...white mound with bones beneath,..' etch out that image for the reader, something that leaves an impression, something that signifies the importance to the narrator as he/she sits there, looking at what is left of his/her father, a man that once was independant, strong, the protector or aggitator (a father is someone we will either look to for protection, or look toward as our fear) and to see this man so fragile, dying, and all of this in it's finality perhaps something that intwines these inner thoughts of subject/allowing us to go in and out of thought, so the blahs, blahs, become lost in their own thoughts...


then shuffle car magazines
until he wakes.

morning.
morning, son... glad you came.
me too.
where's your mother?
she's sick.
damn good cover.

[insert forced laughter.]

This was excellent. The natural conversation between the father/son-the little talk that goes on, while trying to avoid the harder truths and things that should be said, but we sidestep them...


well, i haven't tasted anything in months, you know?
yeah, i believe it.
then, why don't you help your old man out to the balcony?
so you can smoke?
so i can smoke.
you know...

I should have taken my mother out for her last cigarette...
A last wish... This is excellent human interaction. It seems like a simple conversation, but has such depth in that the reality that this man is dying quitting smoking seems miscellaneous.



(marcus, this is dr. lokukatagoda.
good morning, dr... um, how's my father?
well, we blah, metastasis, blah, blah...
done everything we can.
done?)

Loved the final line' Done.


... okay.
that's a good kid, man even.
the fuck i am,

where's the bathroom?
out and left.
i'll be back

in a sec.


escape down the metal shaft, winded
by shame, knots i need to cough out.

Perhaps ... here is a good point to develope the metaphor of sinking feeling, knots caught that create that breathless, panic of going under ...

past old men in white dresses,
umbilicaled to machine, being wheeled round
and round fluorescent linoleum.


across the road -
o'malleys pub.
to a drowsy barkeep;

bourbon and coke,
deck of marlboro.

Might be a location thing. 'pack of marlboro, carton of marlboro' highlight it in the 'red' color they are, showing the red as the 'warning/danger' to enhance the idea of the father wanting a cigarette (implying his cancer from cigarette smoking) and here the son rushes to the companionship of that same vice (yep, I say that with my marlboro's near my hand)


embedded in a garden of ashtrays,
watching the ten storey tombstone
lean over a flatlined horizon,

Excellent stanza. Full of metaphorical images that enhance the entire poem

windglass in the eye waters.

i must go back,
i must go.

Excellent ending lines, the push and pull of Going back/going away. One part of the narrator arguing to go back while the other egging to just leave and I think you've created a very pivotal point where the ending is left open ended.



Excellent work!

Best Wishes, Liz


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Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 25 07, 19:34
Post #5


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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi sampo. wave.gif

WOW - this is an excellent poem - might I ask, is it taken from a real experience? You have many memorable lines here that I'll point out below, but I don't believe there's anything I would change - a dramatic poem!

I enjoyed the read!
~Cleo Pharoah.gif


anti-septic atmosphere
infused into the stagnance
of sun dead hallways -

my footsteps forced forward.
Right off, I guessed it's a hospital of sorts by your opening stanza, then I get the sense that the narrator doesn't want to be in that place 'footsteps forced forward'. Clever!

room 103

stagnance goes bleep
amid nests of tubes, weighs
down the scaffold beds
with curtain walls, then falls
out a dim window
onto the sidewalk.
Sounds like the intensive care unit ? Like the imagery of scaffold beds/tubes!

bed 4

i take the chair beside a white
mound with bones beneath, >--- A sorry state to be in, weakened, dying.
listening to the rattle of his up,
down chest,
Perhaps you could just say:
listening to the rattle of
his exhilations ?


then shuffle car magazines
until he wakes.

morning.
morning, son... glad you came.
me too.
where's your mother?
she's sick.
damn good cover.


[insert forced laughter.]

well, i haven't tasted anything in months, you know?
yeah, i believe it.
then, why don't you help your old man out to the balcony?
so you can smoke?
so i can smoke.
you know...

Great conversation going on here! It puts the reader in the room with your characters, in their thoughts.

(marcus, this is dr. lokukatagoda.
good morning, dr... um, how's my father?
well, we blah, metastasis, blah, blah... Oh that cancer gone on too long, made a mess inside!
done everything we can. >--- did everything we could ?
done?)

... okay.
that's a good kid, man even.
the fuck i am,
Here, I get a sense that the "N" thinks lowly of himself (or just doubts his maturity), because he/she cannot face the old man for a long period of time?

where's the bathroom?
out and left.
i'll be back

in a sec.



escape down the metal shaft, winded
by shame, knots i need to cough out.
Great metaphors!


past old men in white dresses,
umbilicaled to machine, being wheeled round
and round fluorescent linoleum.
Reminds me of that old movie, One Flew over the Cukoo's Nest ...

across the road -
o'malleys pub.
to a drowsy barkeep;

bourbon and coke,
deck of marlboro.



embedded in a garden of ashtrays,
watching the ten storey tombstone
lean over a flatlined horizon,

windglass in the eye waters.

i must go back,
i must go.

Excellent ending!


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Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Kay
post Apr 25 07, 11:24
Post #6


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Referred By:bbnixon



Andrew,

I'm not sure if you are still revising this but for some reason this right here:

QUOTE
in a sec.


I wondered if

simply saying "shortly" would work better.

A small nit.


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