LAST LETTER, Wizard Award Options

[Psyche]

Thank you, everyone, for your invaluable assistance and ideas!!
The change is rather big, so I'm open to more crits!!!


REVISION


LAST LETTER

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show up
at church…

expectant Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for Baby
to be born…

committing a murder,
accepting God’s salvation of his soul
is improbable…

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night terror…

in Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

Unforgiving,
time has revealed certainty:
I know you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.



THE LETTER

It’s like
a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church.

It’s like
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution.

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul.

It’s like
striding up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born.

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors.

It’s the love letter
you’ll never send me…

By Psyche

Copyright:Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.

[Maggie]

Hi Psyche,

I'm not good at critiquing free verse poetry, but I do want to say that I really like this poem! You let me know how you feel clearly, and I feel with you. Good job IMO!

Peggy

[Cyn]

Ah Sylvia
Such a feeling write

I love the sentiment of it.

I do have some suggestions as I am not overly fond of your first line in each strophe, but love the images within them


Like a groom
sweating
before his bride shows up
at church,

like anticipation
of the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution,

like committing a wrong,
praying
for God’s salvation
of your soul,

like striding
up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born,

like a grown man’s
hope that dawn
will dispel
night’s terrors

is the love letter
you’ll never send me…

[Psyche]

Hi Psyche,

I'm not good at critiquing free verse poetry, but I do want to say that I really like this poem! You let me know how you feel clearly, and I feel with you. Good job IMO!

Peggy

All the more reason for me to feel happy that you dropped by to express your opinion!

Thank you,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Cyn !
You know, thanks to your suggestion, I think I've got an even better solution...haha...

I think I'll remove all the "likes" and then just use the last lines to express the comparison. Shan't do it right now, as I have to go to gym, but I just wanted to thank you for dropping in and jolting me out of my poetic inertia. Fancy using so many "likes"... shame on me!!!

Will be back,
hugs, Sylvia

Ah Sylvia
Such a feeling write

I love the sentiment of it.

I do have some suggestions as I am not overly fond of your first line in each strophe, but love the images within them


Like a groom
sweating
before his bride shows up
at church,

like anticipation
of the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution,

like committing a wrong,
praying
for God’s salvation
of your soul,

like striding
up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born,

like a grown man’s
hope that dawn
will dispel
night’s terrors

is the love letter
you’ll never send me…

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sylvia!

Cyn's suggestions for the first line of each stanza is a good one. IMO the repeat is too much. But I think I would leave 'Like' in line one of the first verse and use an elipsis maybe at the end of each stanza to show continuation of the comparison? Just my two cents worth... LOL Use or lose as always!

Cathy

It’s Like
a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church[...]

It’s like
anticipati[on]ng[of] the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution[...]

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul[...]

It’s like
striding up and down, Maybe 'pacing' instead of 'striding'. I think that's what most do... *smiles*
waiting for a baby
to be born[...]

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors[...]

It’s[is] the love letter
you’ll never send me…

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

anticipation
of the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution...

committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors...

is the love letter
you’ll never send me…

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Sylvia, I agree with your previous posts about the repeats and how they can be modified. I would go one step further with the last two lines

"is the letter
you will never send me" . Dropping 'love' seems to strengthen the message. I'm usually an advocate of using 'love' in a poem, but not here. Cheers, Gregory.

[azurepoetry]

Hi Sylvia,

i love Cathy's trimming of your piece. i think it's universal that the first line could use some cutting. Gregory is also spot-on about dropping love out of it to let the 'suggestion' come through. i would go one step farther. Consider moving your current S4 (about pacing for a baby) into the position of S2. This would allow the images that have been strengthened in their link, through Cathy, to follow a timeline of events. 1. aniticapation of marriage, 2. anticiapation of child birth, 3. anticipating salvation 4.night terrors, 5. anticipation of reprieve, 6. waiting for letter.
Salvation goes straight into the (love) letter. It would read like this, keep in mind i think night's terror should be night terror (it would still allude to prison, but the actual phrase indicative of mental disorder/illiness is night terror.

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

committing a wrong,
praying for God's salvation
of a soul...

a grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

anticipation
of the governor's reprieve
on the eve...

of executing
a letter
you'll never send me...

This may be a bit too corny. i went for unifying three lines in each stanza. i also liked the idea of the guy looking forward to seeing the dawn, and then given the idea of being on deathrow to add meaning to the previous stanza. This set up allows the assonance, reprieve, eve and me. This is jmo, so please use or lose.

~tim/azurepoetry

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy!

Wonderful suggestions, thank you! I shall have to see what I do with this poem full of "likes". I like your version very much indeed. Will read other people's comments before revising.

Hugs, Sylvia

[font=Arial]

Hi Sylvia!

Cyn's suggestions for the first line of each stanza is a good one. IMO the repeat is too much. But I think I would leave 'Like' in line one of the first verse and use an elipsis maybe at the end of each stanza to show continuation of the comparison? Just my two cents worth... LOL Use or lose as always!

Cathy

It’s Like
a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church[...]

It’s like
anticipati[on]ng[of] the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution[...]

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul[...]

It’s like
striding up and down, Maybe 'pacing' instead of 'striding'. I think that's what most do... *smiles*
waiting for a baby
to be born[...]

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors[...]

It’s[is] the love letter
you’ll never send me…

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

anticipation
of the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution...

committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors...

is the love letter
you’ll never send me…

[Psyche]

Hi Gregory !

Yes, the modifications sound great to me. And perhaps I'll drop "love" as well, as you suggest.

Thanks a lot!
Syl

Sylvia, I agree with your previous posts about the repeats and how they can be modified. I would go one step further with the last two lines

"is the letter
you will never send me" . Dropping 'love' seems to strengthen the message. I'm usually an advocate of using 'love' in a poem, but not here. Cheers, Gregory.

[Psyche]

Hi Tim !

I'll confess to you, and you only, that this piece is something I fished out of a box, something I scribbled when I was SO young...haha... I seem to remember that I was feeling lovelorn at the time, not really sure.

Your word "corny" hit hard, I believe the whole poem sounds corny. Do you think it can be salvaged?

I've noted your modifications and will study the whole package, thank you! I don't understand the last strophe, where you suggest
"executing a letter you'll never send me"....?

Do you mean that I'll write the letter to myself, since evidently the guy isn't going to? Or is it metaphorical, meaning that I'll cut the whole idea out of my mind, for ever, sort of kill it?

Interesting, will mull over all this, if I don't throw the whole poem into the dustbin...

Sylvia

Hi Sylvia,

i love Cathy's trimming of your piece. i think it's universal that the first line could use some cutting. Gregory is also spot-on about dropping love out of it to let the 'suggestion' come through. i would go one step farther. Consider moving your current S4 (about pacing for a baby) into the position of S2. This would allow the images that have been strengthened in their link, through Cathy, to follow a timeline of events. 1. aniticapation of marriage, 2. anticiapation of child birth, 3. anticipating salvation 4.night terrors, 5. anticipation of reprieve, 6. waiting for letter.
Salvation goes straight into the (love) letter. It would read like this, keep in mind i think night's terror should be night terror (it would still allude to prison, but the actual phrase indicative of mental disorder/illiness is night terror.

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

committing a wrong,
praying for God's salvation
of a soul...

a grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

anticipation
of the governor's reprieve
on the eve...

of executing
a letter
you'll never send me...

This may be a bit too corny. i went for unifying three lines in each stanza. i also liked the idea of the guy looking forward to seeing the dawn, and then given the idea of being on deathrow to add meaning to the previous stanza. This set up allows the assonance, reprieve, eve and me. This is jmo, so please use or lose.

~tim/azurepoetry

[azurepoetry]

Sylvia,

No, no. i meant my rearraingment was corny. Your poem is interesting which is why i went thorugh the trouble to crit it. i apologize about the miscommunication.
i was just thinking about creating a pseudo-timeline for the guy where there wasn't quite one.

So, sorry,
~tim

[Psyche]

Sylvia,

No, no. i meant my rearraingment was corny. Your poem is interesting which is why i went thorugh the trouble to crit it. i apologize about the miscommunication.
i was just thinking about creating a pseudo-timeline for the guy where there wasn't quite one.

So, sorry,
~tim

No, no, Tim, don't apologize at all. I myself think all the examples are perhaps a bit corny. I swear that I thought so before even posting this piece.

I like your pseudo-timeline idea, are u saying that the guy could be on death row, for example? Wow.... food for thought, indeed.

Will certainly give that one a thought!
Thanks a lot,
Syl

[azurepoetry]

Sylvia,

Sorry, i responded so quickly to your comment about 'corny' that i didn't finish reading your questions. i am going to be rude and answer your question with a question.
What do all of these stanzas have to do with not receiving a love letter?
i took this poem to be a metaphorical/futuristic look at a relationship and what could be between the N and the one she adores. The S2-3 (in the rewrite i created, sorry again) were pretty straight-forward, while the next three seemed to be move into a much more metaphorical transition about the stay of execution, looking for salvation and night terrors. My orgainzational side stepped in and looked for a sense of order or timeline that would serve as a cohesive meaning to each stanza's image offering.
Re: the revised ending. i was trying to use your words to allude to the loneliness he would be feeling, that by snubbing the N, he was 'killing' love or love's potentiality and that his stay of execution, his salvation, his release from loneliness, etc. would be in writing the letter.
That may not quite work as written, but now you see where i was going with it.

~tim

[Psyche]

Great, Tim! Asking questions is the best way to set others thinking.
Socratic type, are you?!
I see your point about cohesion and I'll try to work out something better, based on your insightful remarks.

For now, I've done my time at MM...haha....so I'll log out, with a rich baggage of ideas to carry away with me.

Thanks, Syl

[azurepoetry]

Sylvia,

It's not necessary to have cohesion among the stanzas, i just feel like it adds more dimension if you do. You may find yourself reorganizing the stanzas as you see fit or even altering to create a 'timeline' among them. The timeline idea is certainly just one thought, one option to take to address cohesion, and in fact, you may not want cohesion at all. Glimpses of a life, or wistful fantasy on a deathbed can be memoriable too, even if they are not lucid.

Socratic? i'm more didactic than dialectic.

~tim

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sylvia.. I have read this piece now four times, and twice again after reading all the interesting comments. First I don't think the piece is "corny", and I think this could be read several different ways, I like Cathys trimming of the "it's like" nice try on the repetion but they were too much. I also liked Tims rearrangement but that is for you to decide. A good piece even if it was pulled from a box of early girly stuff...LOL.
Steve

[Psyche]

Sylvia.. I have read this piece now four times, and twice again after reading all the interesting comments. First I don't think the piece is "corny", and I think this could be read several different ways, I like Cathys trimming of the "it's like" nice try on the repetion but they were too much. I also liked Tims rearrangement but that is for you to decide. A good piece even if it was pulled from a box of early girly stuff...LOL.
Steve

Oh Steve, thanks so much for re-visiting my poem. I'm ashamed to say I haven't had time to do any revising or re-thinking, but shall certainly do so eventually, with the suggestions from all you kind people.

Early girly stuff.... HAHA... THANKS !!!

Cheers,
Syl ***

[Psyche]

Sylvia,

It's not necessary to have cohesion among the stanzas, i just feel like it adds more dimension if you do. You may find yourself reorganizing the stanzas as you see fit or even altering to create a 'timeline' among them. The timeline idea is certainly just one thought, one option to take to address cohesion, and in fact, you may not want cohesion at all. Glimpses of a life, or wistful fantasy on a deathbed can be memoriable too, even if they are not lucid.

Socratic? i'm more didactic than dialectic.

~tim

Well, sorry to disagree, Tim, but I think you're both didactic & dialectic. A very handy person to have around!

Hope to get back to work on this piece soon,
Syl

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia.

Apologies if I repeat anything as I haven't read the other replies yet.

This is an interesting piece, one which carries forward from stanza to stanza. What I'vwe done to separate them is to offer ellipses and delete the repeating 'it's like'.

Other than that, I can't see anything by way of suggestions to offer.

Cheers
~Cleo

It’s like
a groom sweating (or 'unnerved')
before his bride shows up
at church[.][…]

It’s like
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution.[..]

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul.[..]

It’s like
striding up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born.[..]

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors.[…] (or fears)

It’s the love letter
you’ll never send me…

SLAM! Killer ending!