THE CREATOR ***, Free verse Options

[Maureen]

Rewrite - Amended Version

The Creator

Maureen Clifford © The Scribbly Bark Poet



I am just a passerby – not of your world
though the millenia I have watched.

I knew the time was fast approaching
though you seemed unaware
there was no time left.
I saw the floods and fires,
wars and killing,
droughts and devastation.
I saw the earth move,
hot fiery breath erupting from her core,
spewed vitriol streaming down her hillsides
engulfing all in its path,
but I was unable to help you.

Lands that were once cloaked in the green of Elm, Oak and Ash
now stand denuded and bare.
Golden sands that once fringed blue pristine waters
are now buried beneath the debris
of your greed and wastefulness.
The oceans are putrid and dead – devoid of life,
their shorelines cesspools.

Ancient stone circles still stand
left by the civilizations before you.
Stone temples and symbols,
decaying monoliths whose secrets you never unlocked.
Esoteric scripts on temple walls and caves across your universe,
cryptic carvings in the ground - all showing the way
had you cared to seek
or the eyes to see.

I am just a passerby – I have seen it before,
I will see it again.
My age is incalculable.
I have always been – I will always be.
I will rebuild and hope for a better tomorrow.
I give you life, I give you land.
I offer sustenance and succour and the means to live.
But always you want more,
enough is never enough.
Greed, arrogance, hate, lust, and envy reign.

I am just a passerby.
I will pass this way again one day.
When toxic fields are once more fertile,
I will start again.

THE CREATOR

Maureen Clifford © The Scribbly Bark Poet


I am just a passerby.
Not of your world – though for years I have watched.

The time was fast approaching –
though you seemed unaware
there was no time left
I saw the floods and fires.
The wars and killing,
the droughts and devastation.
I saw the earth move.
I saw the hot fiery breath erupt from her core,
her vitriol streaming down hillsides
engulfing all in its path –
but I was helpless to help you.

Hillsides that were once cloaked in the green of Elm, Oak and Ash
now stand denuded and bare.
Golden sands that once fringed blue pristine waters
now are buried
beneath the debris
of your greed and wastefulness.
The oceans are putrid and dead –
devoid of life,
their shorelines empty.

Aged stone circles still stand –
left by the civilization before you.
Stone temples and symbols,
decaying monoliths
whose secrets you never unlocked.
Ancient scripts
on temple walls and caves across your universe –
carvings in the ground
showing the way –
had you cared to seek.
Drawings that told -
had you the eyes to see.

I am just a passerby –
I have seen it before,
I will see it again –
my age is incalculable.
I have always been –
I will always be .
I will rebuild and hope for a better tomorrow.
I give you life,
I give you land.
I offer sustenance and succour
and the means to live.
But always you want more,
enough is never enough.
Greed, avarice, hate, lust, and envy reign.

I am just a passerby –
I will pass this way again one day.
When fallow fields are once more fertile,
I will start again.


Maureen Clifford ©

[saore]

I like this one Maureen. It has a science fiction feel to it. Sorry I have not been around but I have been ill. Will come back to this one.

Sergio

[Maureen]

Thanks Sergio - happy you liked it

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Maureen,

An interesting concept! I will come back again but wanted to let you know I was here and enjoyed this hopeful ending of Doomsday revived. One notation - I would replace killing with murders.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Hi Maureen,

This is my sort of poem. I've been horrified and sad for years at the devastation going on -either by wars, powerful corporations and governments, usually in cahoots with each other- all over our beautiful planet.

And we're often part of the process, blissfully unaware of our own misdeeds.
I've read your poem several times. Just small nits, mostly to tighten up some lines, which is supposed to be more elegant, but who is to judge? TorT !!

THE CREATOR

Maureen Clifford © The Scribbly Bark Poet


I am just a passerby.
Not of your world – though for years I have watched.

The time was fast approaching –
though you seemed unaware
there was no time left<<<<< period.
I saw (the) floods and fires.<<<<<<< comma.

(The) wars and killing,
(the) droughts and devastation.
I saw the earth move.<<<<<<comma,
(I saw the) hot fiery breath erupt from her core,
(her) vitriol streaming down hillsides
engulfing all in its path –
but I was helpless to help you.

Great S1. I only suggest you remove some 'the's' and 'her's'. I put some between brackets, to TorT.

That's a bit messy, I'll suggest instead:

I am just a passerby.
Not of your world – though for years I have watched.

The time was fast approaching –
though you seemed unaware
there was no time left.
I saw floods and fires,
wars and killing,
droughts and devastation.
I saw the earth move,
hot fiery breath erupt from her core,
vitriol streaming down hillsides
engulfing all in its path –
but I was helpless to help you.


I'm only butting in on your first S, since it's always a matter of preference, to throw out at author's will.



Hillsides that were once cloaked in the green of Elm, Oak and Ash
now stand denuded and bare.
Golden sands that once fringed blue pristine waters
now are buried
beneath the debris
of your greed and wastefulness.
The oceans are putrid and dead –
devoid of life,
their shorelines empty.

Aged stone circles still stand –
left by the civilization before you.
Stone temples and symbols,
decaying monoliths
whose secrets you never unlocked.
Ancient scripts
on temple walls and caves across your universe –
carvings in the ground
showing the way –
had you cared to seek.
Drawings that told -
had you the eyes to see.

Lovely! Maybe you could fit in the word hieroglyphs somewhere, since many drawings and carvings were difficult to understand. Just an idea.


I am just a passerby –
I have seen it before,
I will see it again –
my age is incalculable.
I have always been –
I will always be .
I will rebuild and hope for a better tomorrow.
I give you life,
I give you land.
I offer sustenance and succour
and the means to live.
But always you want more,
enough is never enough.
Greed, avarice, hate, lust, and envy reign.

I am just a passerby –
I will pass this way again one day.
When fallow fields are once more fertile,
I will start again.

I understand your finale to mean that our civilization will have terminated? Earth will be fertile again and the Creator will help with the rest? Or will humankind have made a critical 180Ί swerve, so that our grandkids will be able to enjoy the planet... hope so!

Oops, I nearly forgot to say that the title THE CREATOR sounds more linked to the divine, or creationism badly understood, whereas the poem itself reminds me of a wonderful architect, such as Plato envisioned. Or something of the sort! Hope I make sense.

Thanks for sharing this earth-loving poem with us, Maureen!
Hugs, Syl***


Maureen Clifford ©

[Maureen]

Thanks Cleo and Syl for your reviews

I have done a rewrite based on your helpful suggestions. I left killing in because not all killing is murder - I was referring more to the killing as a result of war.

The rock carvings referred to the unexplained carvings in the deserts of Peru named the Nazca lines which can only be seen as what they are from an elevated position either atop a hill or in a plane.

The title I have keps as I intended this to be the voice of a God speaking. Choose whatever God you please - but whilst I personally have no strong affiliation to any religion I do believe there were on this earth long before man beings with higher powers than those we have today. Call them what you will.

I think it is a little better now - what do you reckon

Cheers

Maureen

[Psyche]

Thanks Cleo and Syl for your reviews

I have done a rewrite based on your helpful suggestions. I left killing in because not all killing is murder - I was referring more to the killing as a result of war.

The rock carvings referred to the unexplained carvings in the deserts of Peru named the Nazca lines which can only be seen as what they are from an elevated position either atop a hill or in a plane.<<<<<OK, I know about them and understand now, tx. Unsolved mystery.

The title I have keps as I intended this to be the voice of a God speaking. Choose whatever God you please - but whilst I personally have no strong affiliation to any religion I do believe there were on this earth long before man beings with higher powers than those we have today. Call them what you will.
<<<<<<< Yep! That's how I feel too. Still, the finale appears to be a little contradictory, but maybe it's just me...dim. LOL..

I think it is a little better now - what do you reckon <<<<<<It's a fine poem, Maureen. The message is powerful. Congrats!
Syl***


Cheers

Maureen

[Maureen]

Thanks Syl - As to the ending??

Rightly or wrongly I reckon that given time man will manage to exterminate itself from the face of the earth either by atomic warfare, disease or just overpopulation leading to starvation since we cleverly are turning our farming lands over to housing estates world wide and then trying to grow crops on arid ground.

At some time after that after the earth and the mother have rested, cleansed and recuperated some form of life should emerge and we will start again... No doubt overseen by God/or whoever you perceive to be the higher intelligence, the one who created the world as we know it . I wonder if perhaps it has been done before, hence the desert carvings in Peru - some of the unexplained but very forward thinking aboriginal cave paintings that are seen, and where did the residents of Machu Pichu go to and how were the pyramids built when even with todays technology we could not recreate them? So many ? and too few answers.

[Larry]

Hi Maureen,

I love a good Sci-Fi story and this fits that genre nicely. I do have a few nits but, at the moment, I don't have sufficient time to explicate in detail. I will try to get back to you on this in the next week or so with a few TOT suggestions. Most of them will be submitted to try and strengthen the emotional sentiments you've expressed; others pertain to time and place.

I know I sound kind of cryptic and apologize for being so but life happens all too quickly, especially when one is retired.

I am a firm believer in most of what everyone has written on this subject in this string. Too much mystery and not enough answers.

Larry

[Larry]

Hello Again Maureen,

It's been three days since I posted but I was able to get back to this much quicker than I had thought. As I said in my former post, this is all in TOT format and my suggestions are merely offered to enhance the sentiment/feelings of "The Creator".

I do hope you can use some of them.

I am just a passerby – not of your world
though for years (millennia) I have watched.
(My thoughts on this is if the passerby is ageless and eternal, he/she/it would have been watching for much longer than just years.)

(I knew )the time was fast approaching
though you seemed unaware
(until) there was no time left.
I saw the floods and fires,
wars and killing,
droughts and devastation.
I saw (perhaps – sensed) the earth move,
hot fiery breath erupting from her core,
spewed vitriol streaming down her hillsides (face –
as long as you are anthropomorphizing with human characteristics, why not give HER a face. )
engulfing all in its path,
but I was helpless (forbidden) to help you.
(Perhaps he/she/it is not a one-of-a-kind being and must, therefore, abide by their societies rules on terraforming and populating/annihilating due to their guidelines involving free will.)

Hills(Continents – for a broader world-wide scope of the devastation caused by mankind’s carelessness/thoughtlessness) that were once cloaked in the green of Elm, Oak and Ash
now stand denuded and bare.
Golden sands that once fringed blue pristine waters
are now buried beneath the debris
of your greed and wastefulness.
The oceans are putrid and dead – devoid of life,
their shorelines empty (cesspools).

(Ancient) Aged stone circles still stand
left by the civilization(s) before you.
(I’m sure there have been a huge number of civilizations which have come and gone.)
Stone temples and symbols,
decaying monoliths whose secrets you never unlocked.
(Arcane) Ancient scripts on temple walls and caves across your universe (home),
carvings in the ground showing the way
had you cared to seek.
Drawings that told,
had you the eyes to see.

I am just a passerby – I have seen it before,
I will see it again.
My age is incalculable.
I have always been – I will always be.
I will rebuild and hope for a better tomorrow.
I give you life, I give you land.
I offer sustenance and succour and the means to live.
But always you want more,
enough is never enough.
Greed, avarice (redundant - they are the same thing, maybe add hubris for alliterative purposes.), hate, lust, and envy reign.

I am just a passerby.
I will pass this way again one day.
When fallow (unplanted/bare is not strong enough, perhaps poisoned) fields are once more fertile,
I will start again.

Larry

p.s.: I watched a program the other day that intimated "Ayres Rock" was a secret base for ET's and has been since before the Aborigines lived there. It was thought provoking!

[Maureen]

Wow - Thanks Larry - some great ideas there which I will happily pinch.

Ayers Rock as a base for ET's - who knows . It is visible from space so I have heard and as a subscriber to Erich Von Danikens theories I would totally believe that it has far greater significance than being a big red rock in the middle of nowhere in our great southern land.

Cheers

Maureen