Tattoo (revised May 25), Poem Options

[bbnixon]

Hi All,

As always, honest feedback is greatly appreciated.

:) brenda

Hi all,

I went with strophes and a more substansive rewrite...curious if it is better/or worse than the orginal. I am desperately trying to improve my revision skills (they are appalling). It is May, so I am done with the poem a day challenge...so I hope to be around a little more....as always honest feedback is appreciated.

:) brenda

Revision 3

I think I am close..maybe....a couple of things...does invisible in the first strophe....send a confusing message...especially to the last line....do I need the microscope...as always honest feedback is appreciated.

Tattoo

My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Flowers bloom,
vines snake across my back
and honeysuckle trails
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.

Within this vessel lurks
color wells. India Ink forms
a lattice of henna rings and grecian
scrolls. Royal blue tints opaque white.

I burn my flesh. A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.

In a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.

No longer visible--the words
you used to label me.






(Revison 2-I edited it already based on Lizs great suggestions.. Thank-you Liz). Still want to know if if something is lost from the original. I am unsure.

Tattoo

My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom,
vines snake
across my back,
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.

Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow white opaque.

A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.

In a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist,
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.

No longer visible are the words
you used to label me.




Tattoo (Revision 1)

My epidermis is covered in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom. Growing vines snake
across my back. Honeysuckle trails my legs,
buds explode in flowering toes.

Within my vessel lurks color wells.
Indian ink forms a tentative outline
that sears my tender flesh. Royal blue tints
snow white opaque. My hand steady,
sterile needle dips into hard orange,
and grass green.

In a room of mirrors, under ultraviolet light
I examine my handiwork with microscopic eyes.
Vibrant bluebonnets encircle my waist,
Indian paintbrushes thrive in the cradle
between my breasts.

No longer visible--the words you used to label me.



Tattoo

My epidermis is covered in invisible ink,
intricate designs, blooming flowers and
growing vines snake across my back.
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,blooms
explode in flowering toes. I have looked
at every inch of my skin and not once
did I find tattooed the words that you used
to label me. Willing to give you the benefit
of doubt, I stood in a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light and searched, as
hard as I looked there was no branding
anywhere on my tender flesh. I slowly dress,
brush my long brown hair, glance at myself in
the mirror, there, across the bridge of my nose,
in large bold letters. Self Respect.

This post has been edited by bbnixon: May 25 07, 06:20

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Brenda.

Less is definitely MORE Brenda! I love the revision, both in shape and words. I have just a few more ideas to throw into the pot to stew over.

Enjoyed this!
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom,
vines snake
across my back, (don’t think you need this comma here when followed with ‘and’)
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.
Nice visual and colorful opening. An option to avoid the in/invisible (where I stumbled), is a slight rearranging of the opening as follows;
Invisible designs
cover my epidermis.

Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow[-] white opaque.
Nice continuity with color and visual imagery!

A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green. (What is grass green?)

In a room of mirrors{,} (no comma here)
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist{,} (no comma here)
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.

No longer visible are the words
you used to label me.


Great, unexpected ending!

[bbnixon]

Hi Cleo,

Thanks for your comments, sorry for the late response. I meant to revise nearly 10 days ago...just end of school activities and my daughters softball season got in the way. Hopefully I am close.

Hope your day is very good.

:) brenda