BEREAVEMENT, FIRST REVISION Options

[Psyche]

REVISION

BEREAVEMENT

I’m used to loss itself;
it’s trivial things that smart, wear out my heart:
orphaned mug on kitchen shelf,
terrace table grown too long,
and by its side, a wooden chair, vacant;
without end, they caution strong,
shadowing me in endless pageant.

I disregard remorse for churlish word,
fixed angry looks... O misplaced books!
Or grief for tenderness demurred
through life’s uncertain lane.
It’s the scrutiny of minor things in winter
depths, enduring bane
by which my heart grows fainter.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2007


ORIGINAL

BEREAVEMENT

I’m used to loss itself;
it’s trivial things that smart, wear out my heart:
orphaned mug on kitchen shelf,
terrace table grown too long,
and by its side, a wooden chair, vacant;
without end, they caution strong,
shadowing me in endless pageant.

I disregard remorse for churlish word,
fixed angry looks... O misplaced books!
Or grief for tenderness demurred
through life’s uncertain lane.
It’s the scrutiny of minor things in winter
depths, the enduring bane
by which my heart grows fainter.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2007.

[Merlin]

Hi Sylvia,

Isn't it amazing how we accumulate stuff! My favorite pastime on weekends is rifling thru thrift shops to see what treasures I can find. Mostly, I look at the book section, and come up with indescribable goodies - such as a 1200 page volume of Oscar Wilde I just got for a big 2.50$. Pristine condition, too.

Things fall apart for me near the bottom, in these 2 lines:
It’s the scrutiny of minor things in winter
depths, the enduring bane

where I would suggest a little rewrite to balance the meter:
It’s scrutinizing minor things in winter
depths, enduring bane

culling "the" unless it's needed for beat.

Merlin

[Mistral]

Oh lovely, Sylvia!

Again, this poem with it's wonderfully expressive words to bring over emotions about the little but meaningful things in life, is exactly why I love to read poetry. Thanks for sharing, Hon, it's made this dreary day quite delicious for me!

Hugs,
M

[JLY]

Sylvia,

You have captured some of the real emotions by detailing the emptiness with images of a vacant chair, orphaned mug, etc.

In these lines, you write about looks and books; shouldn't word become words?

I disregard remorse for churlish word,
fixed angry looks... O misplaced books!

You have expressed grief in a way that most people have not expressed.

JLY

[Psyche]

Hi Mistral!
Good to see ya around! Yes, I'm 'one' with the little things of life, that make up the whole...
I try to write about them as well as possible, so I'm glad I've struck a note with you. It's so difficult to write poetry, for me anyway! I'd like to be a 'people's poet', but I guess one has to learn the basics first!
Hugs to you, and thank you,
Syl ***

[Psyche]

Oooops, John, what a fool I am! Didn't even see that one. Thank you so much for pointing it out. Will fix right away.
About the images of the small things that remind one of lost loved ones, it's strange how they pursue one. Because I'm not the sort of person who keeps everything in place after losing a loved one. In fact, I've rather hurriedly removed most articles from view, given them away, that sort of thing. No mugs, nothing, just a few photos and things in quiet corners, that's all I keep.
And yet they emerge in poetry...one's mind must have secret compartments that refuse to 'let go'.
Thank you, John, for visiting & encouraging,
Sylvia ***

[Psyche]

Hi Merlin!
YES! You remind me of when my husband & I used to spend hours exploring bookstores on an important avenue, downtown. We used to come home with several treasures, similar to the O.W. you mention...wow...what memories! We did this at night time, when Buenos Aires was quite safe to stroll around till the wee hours. About 15 years ago, in my corner of this beautiful mud ball the human race devastates, there were no drugs, no homeless, no psychos with knives or guns. At least, not EVERYWHERE...

To think my husband's early onset of coronary disease affected his mind, so that he can't read anymore, or even remember those years.

But of course I must cull 'the' where you suggest! You always zoom in on my ghastly habits with regard to balance or whatever. Thanks so much!

Syl ***

Things fall apart for me near the bottom, in these 2 lines:
It’s the scrutiny of minor things in winter
depths, the enduring bane

where I would suggest a little rewrite to balance the meter:
It’s scrutinizing minor things in winter
depths, enduring bane

culling "the" unless it's needed for beat.

Merlin

[Psyche]

Hi John, again!

Dear me, when doing my revision, I realized that 'word' is meant to rhyme with 'demurred', according to my rhyme scheme.
But I did consider putting words, in the plural, since in any case it's an imperfect end rhyme with demurred. What to do...
Thanks, I'll think about it, or perhaps somebody else will give an opinion to help out!
Syl ***