Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Moses
danimik
post Oct 31 15, 17:13
Post #1


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 30-October 15
From: High Peak
Member No.: 5,276
Real Name: Mike Daniels
Writer of: Poetry



Rev1

Moses

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - as seen on film
if needs be, but Moses, lacking direction,
has less of the insane behind his eyes.
Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.

He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!'
God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.


original
Moses

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston
if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane
behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.


He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.


·······IPB·······

this is not a rebel song
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Oct 31 15, 17:38
Post #2


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Mike,

It's great to see a poem from you. You are one of the poets I would really miss reading again, so I'm glad you found your way here.

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston
if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane
behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.


I really love this description - it's detail makes me see him standing there

He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

Nice description

He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

I had to read this a few times to 'get' that it was God saying 'any more' It's me, I'm sure - feeling tired.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

Not sure you need the '/not Moses'

Now my computer says there should be a hyphen in re-joins. Really! Not sure about that!


For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.

Very Nice ending, very satisfactory!

Great to see you here

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
posthumous
post Oct 31 15, 21:54
Post #3


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 35
Joined: 30-October 15
Member No.: 5,275
Real Name: Don Zirilli
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa



The "I" in the poem is hard to place. Seems more a moviegoer than an actual witness. Sounds like a criticism but that might actually be the whole point, or at least the poetry. A strange, almost funny, cynical retelling of a Biblical tale.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Psyche
post Nov 2 15, 00:15
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



Hi danimik, and welcome to MM!
Your poem gives me food for thought. I'll have to return, as I feel pretty dim at 2 a.m.
Just a few comments:



QUOTE (danimik @ Oct 31 15, 20:13 ) *
Moses

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston
if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane
behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.


I can certainly imagine Moses by reading S1. Great introductory stanza. And yes, I agree about Charlton Heston's slightly insane glint in the eyes, in that and other movies.

He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

"Scree" is a new word for me. I was born in a Spanish speaking country. Not to worry, I've already looked it up. Always learn at MM!


He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

Intriguing stanza. This part does make me think of the movie. As if God were the Director and threw the actor out. Sorry, just the first 3 lines. Then it moves on to a theological stance. Just me...always going beyond the poet's intentions.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

Powerful lines! I like the uncertainty of the "hero's" identity.


For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.

I like your finale. I get the impressions that the poetical "me" has perhaps suffered some loss or misfortune.
Keep 'em coming, danimik. Unfortunately, my PC is very slow. Can't comment on other's poems now.



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Heather
post Nov 2 15, 02:36
Post #5


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 41
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,278
Real Name: Heather Lazarus
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



Mike,
I enjoyed the tone, almost a running commentary. I got quite confused with these lines:
...shouts at a passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Anymore!'

I didn't read that as separate speech until I read other comments. Understanding this line is key, and I was much happier once it became clear. The way it's set up on the same line is misdirecting a bit.
This brought me to pause with:
...that voice again

When followed up with:
I have the remnant of a voice\to which I cling


Because although it seems to reference the voice of God there's enough play here for it to be Moses...or Charleton Heston! And I like that there's that tiny space to twist about in...
What I don't like is 'to which I cling' (without going into the linguistics behind it)- I don't think it follows the tone you've established throughout. I think a simple 'I cling to' would work... Or even a 'which I cling to'....just my opinion...
Hope this helps,
Heather


 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
RC James
post Nov 3 15, 11:28
Post #6


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



danmik - Glad to see you made it to the refugee camp. This seems an appropriate piece for the situation. Your dscription of Moses/not Moses is bang on, ringingtrue. Heston, stand aside. And the sliver of hope straining against faith is compelling. Well done, as always, RC
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Adhamh MacAodh
post Nov 8 15, 01:04
Post #7


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 6
Joined: 7-November 15
Member No.: 5,289
Real Name: Adam Hughes
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira



Mike,

good to see you here. Hopefully we can find our own exodus here and even if it's a wandering through the desert, at least we'll be together.

As for the poem, I think the vast majority of it is brilliant. My only nit (and feel free to disregard it) is the allusion to Charlton Heston. It feels cheap, gimmicky. At the least it takes me out of the poem. The rest of the poem is mystical with a hint of humor (or humour) and works wonderfully. I don't you need the Heston bit. But again, that could just be me.

Enjoyed as always.

-A-
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
danimik
post Nov 12 15, 18:52
Post #8


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 30-October 15
From: High Peak
Member No.: 5,276
Real Name: Mike Daniels
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Guys and Gals

First off a big thanks for the welcome. Second off a big thanks for the comments.

I had a line - they asked Moses for proof - and everything else spins off from there, though the original span in another direction
which changed substantially as I typed the piece up. This is not my normal method of working - I work from inspiration straight into these little windows using the keyboard to slow my thoughts down enough to lend a structure and a sense to the piece. Thus, a substantial amendment occurred which I liked, though I struggled for the longest time about the Charlton Heston section as I was aware that the image is clichéd in my head, and probably/possibly the minds of others.

Hi Eira - and you are not alone in wanting me to distinguish more clearly the voice of God from the voice of Moses. I'm thinking that moving that section of the line to the next line would allow that space to develop in the reader's mind. For me, poetry exists in the detail, the specificity where appropriate, so your comments about descriptions working are most welcome. Thanks.

Hi Posthumous - and me, cynical about Bible Stories. (Why is it so hard to do 'sardonic' in print?) Moses is one of the stranger heroes in the Bible, I'm thinking - control freak, visionary. I can' break free from the thought that he'd have been another James Warren Jones if he'd been born 20th century. The Heston reference seems to have intruded more than I wanted. Thanks

HI Psyche - I have, like other poets, a very individual understanding of poetry, purpose or value or design. For me, there should always be space within the poem for the reader to intrude, to develop their own set of meanings. Thus, your comment about 'always going beyond the poet's intentions' is an absolute delight and pleasure as I want my readers to do just that, to find their own meanings and purpose. Thanks for the read and the comment.

Hi Heather - you aren't alone in not picking up the voice of God as distinct from Moses. This definitely needs addressing. As to the grammar - sorry but it has been beaten into me from a very early age and for the rest of my life that I mustn't end a sentence with a participle, and 'to which I cling' it just has to be. As to spaces in poems - please read my comment to Psyche... Thanks, it has been a big help as I have come to expect of your comments.

Hi Richard - I guess we've indulged in our own exodus have we not and that was certainly in there somewhere when I sat down to write. People we miss that we can't bring with us -always a sadness, yet such a vital part of the process. So yes, it's hope and faith and freewill constrained. Thanks.

Hi Adhamh - pleased you made it. Your work has been so strong over recent months, it has been hugely inspirational. I had second thoughts and third thoughts about the image of Heston as it is such a strong image in my head that I worried about it dominating and bring a different reality to the piece. I will have to think about this again and again until I resolve it, I'm thinking. Thanks.

Mike


·······IPB·······

this is not a rebel song
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
danimik
post Nov 15 15, 17:46
Post #9


Nomad
*

Group: Silver Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 30-October 15
From: High Peak
Member No.: 5,276
Real Name: Mike Daniels
Writer of: Poetry



Okay - posted a revision. The Heston image is revised and I hope I've clarified the issues about whose voice is talking.

M


·······IPB·······

this is not a rebel song
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 15 15, 18:20
Post #10


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (danimik @ Nov 15 15, 22:46 ) *
Okay - posted a revision. The Heston image is revised and I hope I've clarified the issues about whose voice is talking.

M


Hi Mike

goodjob.gif

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 29th March 2024 - 02:29




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: