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Dance of the Crinkled Veils (revised st 1), R&M |
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Oct 31 10, 10:07
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Jim We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising. I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all -- as breezes fan and serenade her - ballet pointes battements tendus.or as breezes fan and serenade her, while she pointes battements tendusbut then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of. I'm also making a slight change to the last stanza, as I feel 'her' follows too closely to 'her' in the stanza before With lofty body proudly posed her feet secured against each storm, she wavers, endless arms exposed ‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.I think that sounds ok? If you should return today, I'd appreciate your view on Lori's suggestion, which I think I'll go with. I can't get back to this until tonight as my son is here for the day ... but I'm still considering any possibility. Phew! I have until tomorrow! Hi Lori When you come back please follow convesations between Jim & myself to see where my mind is. LOL! I've definitely decided to go with battements tendus (at the moment) What time are you sending them off tomorrow? LOL! I've never been so last minute! HELP! Snow
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Oct 31 10, 12:26
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Snow - I like the current revision as is: as breezes fan and serenade her - ballet pointes battements tendusI say go with it! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Oct 31 10, 17:09
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Guest
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QUOTE(Eisa @ Oct 31 10, 15:07 ) Hi Jim We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising. I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all -- as breezes fan and serenade her - ballet pointes battements tendus.or as breezes fan and serenade her, while she pointes battements tendusbut then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of. Hi again Snow,
my problem with that line is the short enjambement from the previous one. Have been thinking about it but can't come up with anything better than Lori's suggestion - would it make sense to drop Lori's dash so that the breezes are serenading the dance?QUOTE I'm also making a slight change to the last stanza, as I feel 'her' follows too closely to 'her' in the stanza before
With lofty body proudly posed her feet secured against each storm, she wavers, endless arms exposed ‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
I think that sounds ok? there is a contradiction between 'secured' l2 and 'wavers' l3; perhaps substitute 'extended' for 'she wavers' and develop the alliteration there?QUOTE If you should return today, I'd appreciate your view on Lori's suggestion, which I think I'll go with. I can't get back to this until tonight as my son is here for the day ... but I'm still considering any possibility. Phew! I have until tomorrow! Hope you enjoyed the visit with your son:) Jim
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Oct 31 10, 17:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 31 10, 17:26 ) Hi Snow - I like the current revision as is: as breezes fan and serenade her - ballet pointes battements tendusI say go with it! ~Cleo Hi Lori Yes - I think this is best at the moment. I certainly like the sounds of ballet and battement (which is why I used them originally) Unless I have inspiration in my sleep tonight - this will stay! LOL! Thanks Lori Snow
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Oct 31 10, 18:00
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Oct 31 10, 22:09 ) QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 31 10, 15:07 ) Hi Jim We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising. I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all -- as breezes fan and serenade her - ballet pointes battements tendus.or as breezes fan and serenade her, while she pointes battements tendusbut then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of. Hi again Snow,
my problem with that line is the short enjambement from the previous one. Have been thinking about it but can't come up with anything better than Lori's suggestion - would it make sense to drop Lori's dash so that the breezes are serenading the dance?QUOTE I'm also making a slight change to the last stanza, as I feel 'her' follows too closely to 'her' in the stanza before
With lofty body proudly posed her feet secured against each storm, she wavers, endless arms exposed ‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
I think that sounds ok? there is a contradiction between 'secured' l2 and 'wavers' l3; perhaps substitute 'extended' for 'she wavers' and develop the alliteration there?QUOTE If you should return today, I'd appreciate your view on Lori's suggestion, which I think I'll go with. I can't get back to this until tonight as my son is here for the day ... but I'm still considering any possibility. Phew! I have until tomorrow! Hope you enjoyed the visit with your son:) Jim Thanks for returning here, Jim.
I am going with Lori's suggestion. As to the short enjambment I feel it is acceptable. (Someone once said it was agressive enjambment) I'm thinking I might put a semi colon after her and write the rest in italics as Lori has - to kind of seperate.
as breezes fan and serenade her; ballet pointes battements tendus.
As for the last stanza, I really meant that her feet were secure and just her arms wavered. I think I placed the comma wrongly and if I change the placement of the comma from after wavers, to after arms - it might make a difference.
With lofty body proudly posed her feet secured against each storm, she wavers endless arms, exposed ‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
Phew! what a lot to think on LOL!
Snow
Yes - had a nice day with my son. Hope you are completely well now. You've been missed!
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Oct 31 10, 18:17
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Fabulous! I have updated the file and will be sending it on tomorrow after work so if you make any more changes, please let me know. Good luck!!!! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Oct 31 10, 18:53
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 31 10, 23:17 ) Fabulous! I have updated the file and will be sending it on tomorrow after work so if you make any more changes, please let me know. Good luck!!!! ~Cleo Thanks Lori I'll let you know - but at this moment - this is it!Hugs Snow
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