The Matrix, Faery Award winner Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

This poem was written in response to Lori's 10 word snippet challenge in Acropolis.

The words were:
laser, luminous, human, hatch, mimic, matrix, organic, obsess, span, succumb

I would like those words kept in the poem.

Faery Award Winner

Celtic Castle Designs

The Matrix (Revised)

The laser beams down,
luminous in its glow;
highlighting the vast field
of human embryos,
ripe for hatching.

Machines ready,
to absorb pure organic matter,
feeding the mainframe,
driving a powerful program.

Creating a world of illusion -
hardcode mimics life;
a world spanning generations.
People obsessing over
life’s minor problems;
succumbing to emotions,
urges and desires;
blissfully unaware
that they have no choice.

Nothing is real;
every movement,
every thought
controlled
by a computer program -
The Matrix.




The Matrix (original)

The laser beamed down,
luminous in its glow;
highlighting the vast field
of human embryos,
ripe for hatching.

Machines ready,
to absorb the pure organic matter,
that feeds the mainframe,
driving a powerful program.

Creating a world of illusion
where hardcode mimics life;
a world spanning the generations;
people obsessing over
life’s minor problems;,
succumbing to emotions,
urges and desires;
blissfully unaware
that they have no choice.

Nothing is real;
every movement,
every thought
controlled
by a computer program -
The Matrix.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I'm so pleased to see this here as well - although I have no crit other than admiration; you sum up the film synopsis perfectly with added atmosphere and within the constraints of the ten words.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Nina, hi,

I think I'll get this in a virtual rubber stamp but I haven't seen "The Matrix" - though, on your recommendation, I shall try as soon as I am able. (Had to say it again!)

So, for me, your poem is just that - a poem. And I think it's great. I have seen it over in its original posting and am pleased to see it here, too.

Just a few minor suggestions... (as always take / decline - entirely your choice)

{omit}[add](comments)

Firstly, I'm unsure about the tense you are using. V1L1 = past, whereas the rest of the poem seems present.

Verse Two:

Machines ready,
to absorb {the} pure organic matter,
{that feeds} [feeding] the mainframe,
driving a powerful program.

thus:

Machines ready,
to absorb pure organic matter,
feeding the mainframe,
driving a powerful program.

Verse Three:

Creating a world of illusion[ -]
{where} hardcode mimics life;
a world spanning {the} generations{;}[.]
[P]{p}eople obsessing over
life’s minor problems;{,}
succumbing to emotions,
urges and desires;
blissfully unaware
that they have no choice.

Verse Four:

Nothing is real;
every movement,
every thought
controlled
by {a} computer program -
The Matrix.

Basically, just some tightening suggestions. I thought your response to, and inclusion of, the ten words excellent. I cannot tell what effect seeing the film, then reading the poem will have on me but I do know that just the poem alone transports me to a fascinating science fiction world. Gothic in its aura and with the meance of a suppressive, controlled environment. I thought this a brilliant poem. Thank you.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran and James

Thank you for your lovely comments.

The Matrix is not the easiest film to sum up, its ideas are very complex.

I cannot tell what effect seeing the film, then reading the poem will have on me but I do know that just the poem alone transports me to a fascinating science fiction world. Gothic in its aura and with the meance of a suppressive, controlled environment

I am glad I managed to get across the idea that the the environment is suppressive and controlled as for me that is the most powerful message I got from the film.  Ultimately even those who thought they were making a choice were actually being controlled and led in the direction the machines wanted them to go in.

Thanks for your suggestions James.  As always they make a lot of sense.  I hadn't noticed the tense change, I will now go and correct it.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I've never seen the movie but the poem is interesting.  I have no crits to offer, I think it's very well done!

Cathy~

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

Thanks for your comments.  The film is excellent, though quite complex.  My daughers watch it over and over again.

Nina

[JustDaniel]

Hi, Nina.

My son and daughters have seen the film and encouraged me to, but I have as yet to do so.  They rave over it.

Your piece seems flawless, and I'm sure that I'd appreciate it even more if I were to see the movie!

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Daniel

Thanks for your comments.  I can highly recommend the Matrix.  Stick with it past the first 10 minutes and it will start making a bit more sense.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hello Nina,

Here is a turn up for the books! (Pun intended! )  Having read your excellent poem, next thing on the agenda is to see the film.

Hope I'm not going to be let down. You know what it's like when you have read a really good book which is then made into a second-rate film, ~ although judging by your description, the film should be good.  

Great read.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

I hope you enjoy the film.  I have seen it a few times (useful as some of the ideas are quite complex) and think it is excellent.  My daughters are hooked on it and have seen al 3 films about 6 times, though that may because they fancy Keanu Reeves.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Nina!  :borg:

I really enjoyed this poem in the Acropolis and am thrilled to see it here for critique!  :cheer:

You've done a smashing job in summarizing the movie 'The Matrix' too in a poetic format!  :ninja:  I just bought 2 dvd's for part 2 & 3 yesterday.

Anyway - now to my crit for you to take or toss as you wish:

The laser beams down,
luminous in its glow;
highlighting the vast field
of human embryos,
ripe for hatching.
*EXCELLENT OPENING!  :claps:

Machines ready,
to absorb pure organic matter,
feeding the mainframe,
driving a powerful program.

In S2, I would make the following adjustments:
Machines ready
to absorb pure organic matter
feeding the mainframe that
drives a powerful program.

Creating a world of illusion -
hardcode mimics life;
a world spanning generations.
People obsessing over
life’s minor problems;
succumbing to emotions,
urges and desires;
blissfully unaware
that they have no choice.

*EXCELLENT! You could split this into two stanzas also...
Creating a world of illusion -
hardcode mimics life;
a world spanning generations.

People obsess over
life’s minor problems;
succumbing to emotions,
urges and desires;
blissfully unaware
that they have no choice.

Nothing is real;
every movement,
every thought ... * Here I would add ellipses
controlled
by a computer program -
The Matrix.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

Thanks for taking the time to read and make comments.  
I hope you enjoy the dvds.  My daughters have just bought the whole trilogy on dvd, including lots of extra scenes and the animatix.

I like your suggestions.  I just have one query - what do you mean when you say
here I would add ellipses?

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Not wishing to answer for Lori but, in case she doesn't see your question, ellipses are those dots which trail one part of the writing into another - i.e. "..." In fact, Lori has shown them on that line:

every thought ... * Here I would add ellipses

As they are easily missed in a crit, I think she mentioned it so you wouldn't miss them.

I did read that some poets think it bad form to use dashes and dots (ellipses) but I use them all the time and find them very useful indeed.

If you have returned, sorry Lori!

All the best, James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

Thanks for the explanation.  Now it makes sense.  I had no idea those dots were called ellipses.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Do the sequels expand on the original theme or progress it or advance something new? Are they as good as the first film?

And was your poem based on all three or just the first? (or have I this wrong and it is based on none?)

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James


And was your poem based on all three or just the first? (or have I this wrong and it is based on none?)
my poem is  based on the first film but is applicable to the second and third films.  

Do the sequels expand on the original theme or progress it or advance something new? Are they as good as the first film?
The sequels expand on the orginal theme, as well as progressing it. They further explore the philosophical questions raised in the first film.  We think that we have choice and free will, but do we? How much of our lives are controlled by someone/something else?  
What is reality?

I didn't think the third film was as good as the first two, because for me the battle scene to save Zion went on too long, but others may not agree with me.  Ialso felt uncomfortable with how they portrayed Neo at the end.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I thought the first film was brilliant, but the sequels - especially the third - were disappointing.

They tried to exlain some of the "philosophy" and the result was rather poor.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Hina, Fran,

Thank you. I'll start with the first film, then. (I usually prefer to watch sequels in random order!). However, being a matrix, any approach ought to work :)

Thank you.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats on your Faery Award Nina!

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thank you Lori

This was a lovely surprise to wake up to this morning  :couch:

Nina