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> My Sister the Music Maker [Rev 2, 12 May 2008]
Guest_Melody Dancer_*
post May 6 08, 20:27
Post #1





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Revision 2

Brown eyes clear as mud, gaze
across an ebony reflection
of cracked ashtrays and dreams of fame
yet to be realised.

Her slender fingers tipped
in green enamel meet with music's
ivory keys and to an unfocused witness
they become one with the notes
of a baby grand.


An innocence beneath masks
of music maker and entertainer
still remains, sealed away behind
the curtains.

Only the lull of a bass resuscitates
the heart beat of her forgotten child;
the one who used to soar upon
others melodies and grew to breathe
her own.

An audience applaudes her soul's secrets,
plucked out on a guitar's crimson strings
to the charge of an eight beat.
Wooden sticks strike metal and air
while a Nike shoe creates homeless echos
with each pedal kick.

The music of her life spills off the stage
in a subtle lullaby, seduced from instruments
by her melody infused fingers.


-------------------------------------------
Revision 1
Brown eyes gaze through a muddied depth
across an ebony reflection as ivory fingers,
tipped in green enamel, meet
with music's own ivory keys.
One and the same to an unfocused witness.

An innocence beneath the masks
of music maker and entertainer
still remains, sealed away behind
the curtains, shielded from the lights.
Only the lull of a bass, played through
electric wires, reaches her forgotten
child's hand, revealed in a tender pitch.

Strangers applaud as their ears ring
with her soul's secrets plucked out
on a guitar's crimson strings to the
charge of an eight beat, wooden sticks
striking metal and air while a Nike shoe
creates homeless echos with each
pedal kick.

The music of her life whispered
in a lullaby, scattered across the stage,
her soul unlocking with each inked note.
Ivory fingers seducing instruments
to play subtle melodies plucked from behind
her muddied brown eyes.

-----------------------------
Original

Brown eyes clear as mud
gaze across an ebony reflection
as ivory fingers tipped in green enamel
meet with music's ivory keys,
one and the same to an unfocused
witness.

An innocence beneath the masks
of music maker and entertainer
still remain, sealed away in a sun
lit prison, only the lull of a bass
played through electric wires,
reaches her forgotten child's hand,
brought out in a trance vocal scream.

Strangers applaud as their ears ring
with her soul's secrets plucked out
on a guitar's crimson strings to the
charge of an eight beat, wooden sticks
striking metal and air while a nike shoe
creates homeless echos with each
pedal kick.

The music of a life far from over
was what she played, vocals,
raw as an angel's whisper,
a child's lullaby on the wires of a bass,
her soul unlocked by ivory keys and
played by steel stings.
Her eyes were brown and clear as mud,
and her ivory fingers were the lovers to
any instrument and to her strangers ears
she was one and the same.
 
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Psyche
post May 8 08, 11:06
Post #2


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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



Hi Melody!

Just want to say that I've read your poem and find it highly original, full of enigmatic lines.

I'm not going to crit right now, because I've just made three commentaries in R&R, and must have my lunch!!! ....LOL....

As your poem is lengthy, I want to read it over before tossing over any suggestions. I did notice that you've left out most of the possessive forms, where applicable, but that's easily fixed.

Thanks for sharing, will be back,
hugs, Syl ***


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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



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Eisa
post May 8 08, 17:38
Post #3


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Hi Melody

It's good to read another of your poems. I sense some underlying tragedy here. Your images are vivid and haunting. I'll leave a few comments, but I fee the need to read this many times to take it all in.


Brown eyes clear as mud
gaze across an ebony reflection
as ivory fingers tipped in green enamel
meet with music's ivory keys,
one and the same to an unfocused
witness.

L1 - clear as mud is a little cliched and i'm wondering if you are talking about the colour or emotions showing through.

Ivory - perhaps you could use another word to convey the colour the second time it's used.


An innocence beneath the masks
of music maker and entertainer
still remain, sealed away in a sun
lit prison, only the lull of a bass
played through electric wires,
reaches her forgotten child's hand,
brought out in a trance vocal scream.

I found the last line here a bit confusing - what is a trance vocal scream? ... and a scream would be vocal ... unless I supose, it's emotional.
The whole stanza is really haunting!


Strangers applaud as their ears ring
with her soul's secrets plucked out
on a guitar's crimson strings to the
charge of an eight beat, wooden sticks
striking metal and air while a nike shoe
creates homeless echos with each
pedal kick.


The music of a life far from over
was what she played, vocals,
raw as an angel's whisper,
a child's lullaby on the wires of a bass,
her soul unlocked by ivory keys and
played by steel stings.
Her eyes were brown and clear as mud,
and her ivory fingers were the lovers to
any instrument and to her strangers ears
she was one and the same.

This Stanza indicate to me that this person has died - am I right?
a life far from over
angel's whisper
child's lullaby

I think generally, this needs some tightening up, but it is a fascinating read.

Snow


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_Melody Dancer_*
post May 8 08, 18:10
Post #4





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Hi Eisa thank you very much for the critique.

In some ways this poem is about someone who has died and who I see when my sister plays.
As well as being about the talent that my sister holds.

I've done a revision and I hope it's made it better.

I think I'm going to keep the two ivory's because I wanted the reader to see that if people didn't watch closely her fingers became like the keys as if the music came from them...
 
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Guest_Melody Dancer_*
post May 11 08, 23:13
Post #5





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I've done another revision, and have gone back to some of my original words as I didn't particularly like my first revision.
 
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Ephiny
post May 13 08, 09:59
Post #6


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Real Name: Lucie
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Hello!

I think this is a beautiful poem, from the fabulous title right down to the last lines. I also think the two revisions work really well and the present poem is now really tight, allowing the images to jump out at the reader. I think

Only the lull of a bass resuscitates
the heart beat of her forgotten child;
the one who used to soar upon
others melodies and grew to breathe
her own.

is a wonderful stanza..the career or perhaps the life of the music maker is told in these lines and I think you were right to keep the two ivorys because it seems to signify the importance of the instrument, and as you said, I've often noticed, when watching someone talented play the piano, that person and instrument almost seem to merge, in the performance, both are the same and one is as important to observe as the other, if that makes sense. And you've told and shown this in this poem.

I'm sorry, I haven't any suggestions for you..though if anything comes to mind, I'll return. But I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this and you've done great work with the revisions.:)


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Lucie

"What could have made her peaceful with a mind
That nobleness made simple as a fire,
With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind
That is not natural in an age like this,
Being high and solitary and most stern?
Why, what could she have done, being what she is?
Was there another Troy for her to burn?"
WB Yeats "No Second Troy"

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Psyche
post May 13 08, 11:29
Post #7


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



Oh my, Melody, I've come back too late to suggest more changes. Your poem really holds together beautifully now, and I think you were right to stick to some of your original ideas.

I have a slight difficulty with the 'mud' question. In your 1st. revision you put 'muddied depths', but I can't find 'muddied' in the dic, only 'muddy'.

Nonetheless, maybe:

'Brown eyes gaze through miry depths'

might fit better than 'Brown eyes clear as mud' as an opening line? Dunno, toss or take!

Perhaps: (I've slipped back to Rev. 1)

Brown eyes gaze through miry depths
at ebony reflection, as ivory fingers
tipped in green enamel, meet
with music's own ivory keys.
One and the same to an unfocused witness.


This S impresses me, reminds me of graveyards as well as the beauty of the piano playing scene...

I notice that, after all, you didn't keep the repeated 'ivory' in Revision 2...

Still, either way your poem has become striking, as well as poignant, since it makes me think of somebody who died or went afar, abandoning all.

Congrats & thanks for the wonderful read, Melody.
Sylvia ***


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Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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AMETHYST
post May 14 08, 10:51
Post #8


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Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hello Melody Dancer (or may I call you Sarah?)

Welcome to Mosaic Musings. I hope you find this a comfortable place to grow, revise and develop both poetic skills and friendships.

As Snow mentions this is quite haunting. It brings a sense of meloncholic tribute of sorts and I liked many of the images, as I found them crisp and real. I felt the weave of real-life images, such as 'cracked ashtrays' gave more demension as I saw not only the the scenery but the state of mind and how 'life happens' - Nicely done.

There are some area's where I still feel this could be weeded, tightened and reworked to bring it to it's fullest potential.

For instance, the repeat of ivory - when done well, repeated words enhance the meaning or intent and work for the poem, however in this case (after reading your intent and seeing in the revision you changed it up) I was wondering if you might find a way to combine the two separate meanings of / or images (sisters fingers, piano keys) and blend them in one image. This would improve your intent to allow the reader to see how her fingers become one with the keys, in both her talents and the appearence.

I will leave some other thoughts and suggestions in stanza and please, feel free to use anything that you feel fits your intent and discard what doesn't.


QUOTE
Revision 2

Brown eyes clear as mud, gaze
across an ebony reflection
of cracked ashtrays and dreams of fame
yet to be realised.


I liked the change bringing up 'gaze' to end L1, it gives it a slight dual meaning and works well there. However in L1, 'clear as mud' doesn't read off as smooth as it could. Perhaps you might consider the crispness of a full image "Mud-brown eyes gaze'
In L2, I love 'ebony reflection'
L3, As mentioned I felt that 'cracked ashtrays ' is a GREAT image and it portrays to my mind an excellent metaphor for a life, that has gone through alot, I would suggest connecting the dreams and the ashetray. Perhaps -

Mud-brown eyes, gaze
across an ebony reflection
of cracked ashtrays stained
with burned dreams of fame,
yet to be realized.

This of course is just an example of the direction where it can be taken!

QUOTE
Her slender fingers tipped
in green enamel meet with music's
ivory keys and to an unfocused witness
they become one with the notes
of a baby grand.


The intro with 'slender fingers tipped in green enamel is absolutely a great image and reveals a lot that isn't stated ... I can clearly see her sitting shades of light sifting through a blackness, the light highlighting her fingers against the ivory keys - a stillness takes the moment... Its a good painting with words. You might want to reconsider the word 'unfocused' and 'keys' in L3, I thought unnecessary as you mention baby grand. Perhaps ...

Her slender fingers tipped
in green enamel meet with music's
ivory; a watchful eye
would witness them become one
with the notes of a baby grand.

Again, this is just an example of possibilities -


QUOTE
An innocence beneath masks
of music maker and entertainer
still remains, sealed away behind
the curtains.


This is very strong and this is where it really becomes 'haunting' you can feel the mystical aura to the poem. I liked the use of 'masks' and the alliteration there in.
No nits here... wink.gif I do however feel confused is the writer of the music behind the curtain, watching someone else perform her work or is she finally living her dream of finally performing her own material - Hmmmm...

QUOTE
Only the lull of a bass resuscitates
the heart beat of her forgotten child;
the one who used to soar upon
others melodies and grew to breathe
her own.


Here is where I get lost. In L2, is the 'her forgotten child' referring to her dreams, or had she lost a child in her younger days inwhich made her lose hope of her dreams ... or perhaps it is her talents, put aside for other things beyond her control.


QUOTE
An audience applaudes her soul's secrets,
plucked out on a guitar's crimson strings
to the charge of an eight beat.
Wooden sticks strike metal and air
while a Nike shoe creates homeless echos
with each pedal kick.

The music of her life spills off the stage
in a subtle lullaby, seduced from instruments
by her melody infused fingers.



I LOVE this ending 2 stanzas. I love the images and how it becomes so active and forceful, fitting to the scene of music and performing, becoming alive and youthful...

I especially liked the final 3 lines. Not a nit to speak of...

Wonderful poetry - Best Regards Liz


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Kay
post Jun 21 08, 11:22
Post #9


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Referred By:bbnixon



Brown eyes clear as mud, gaze
across an ebony reflection
of cracked ashtrays and dreams of fame
yet to be realised. "

mud isn't clear so that simile isn't working there.
"ebony reflection" what is that? The cracked ashtrays?
I love that image but "dreams of fame" is a very weak abstraction.

"Her slender fingers tipped
in green enamel meet with music's
ivory keys and to an unfocused witness
they become one with the notes
of a baby grand.|

You open this poem with "brown eyes" and yet here it says
"her" slender fingers. So I would suggest opening with
"her brown eyes" and leading it from there. This is backtracking in a way.

I think I would suggest "piano's" ivory keys,
or the instrument as not all music has ivory keys
if you follow my thinking here.


"An innocence beneath masks
of music maker and entertainer
still remains, sealed away behind
the curtains."

maybe "hiding" behind curtains.
It's kind of hard to imagine anything sealed with a curtain, a vault maybe,
unless someone is wrapped up in the curtain and even then...


"Only the lull of a bass resuscitates
the heart beat of her forgotten child;
the one who used to soar upon
others melodies and grew to breathe
her own. "

I'm not sure what this all means.




An audience applaudes her soul's secrets,
plucked out on a guitar's crimson strings
to the charge of an eight beat.
Wooden sticks strike metal and air
while a Nike shoe creates homeless echos
with each pedal kick."

The audience is applauding, that comes through
but aren't they more applauding the "charge of an eight beat" love that,
The Nike shoe is a strong line/image. The rest
is loaded down with a lot of abstractions. I think if you
could pare those down, i.e. soul's secrets, homeless echos,
and go with more striking images like the wooden sticks (great line)

"The music of her life spills off the stage
in a subtle lullaby, seduced from instruments
by her melody infused fingers."

I had more in mind a "charge" type of forceful music
as mentioned in this but then we get to a lullaby.
This ending is way over the top. I'd end this before you get to this stanza.
I'd develop those Nike shoes and the wooden sticks and work on getting those abstractions
out of this. I see a lot of potential here but the good images are outweighed by a lot
of filler and unnecessary modifiers that hurt what you're trying to say. The great images are they, you just need to dig them out.


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saore
post Jun 21 08, 11:34
Post #10


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My only nit in your revision, Sarah, is that the first line is somewhat contradictory in logic, I find it difficult to see mud as "clear" and as "mud" .... to me Mud is never clear, not even as a color. I suggest you use the original two lines, the construction is far better. Other than this I read your poem outloud and the sonics are good. The images are also well constructed. Enjoyed the read.


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