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> Summer Treasure, first line tweaked
Eisa
post Jul 4 06, 17:32
Post #1


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I've just been tweaking this one and decided to rewrite the last stanza.


Summer's Treasure

A fragrant freshness fills this sphere
as soil is drenched with nourishment.
All life revives when summer’s tears
are spilt in joy or brief lament.

All watered flowers lift their crowns
and stand erect on tufted banks,
attired in freshly laundered gowns
of leafy green. The earth gives thanks
for sustenance -- a moist embrace
intensifying faded hues
while appliqués of cirri lace
adorn celestial shades of blue.

An iridescent bow unfolds
across the sky to dress our land,
-- no legendary pot of gold,
but gems from God’s creative hand.


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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AMETHYST
post Jul 4 06, 18:58
Post #2


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Hi Snow,


This is like a lullaby for a tired soul. Both the intent, metaphors used to bring about the inner message and the loveliness of the imagery are all positive points that make this worth several reads. I remember how it started and how it has grown and blossomed through revision.

Some comments to follow. I really think this has reached its higher potential and the love, and care put into each revision and image, really does show in the quality of the work.

Hugs, Liz

QUOTE
Summer's Treasure

Beautiful Title. It really captures the essence of the poem. To think that within summer, there is a treasure in every bloom, every blade and every rising sun.. :)


Such fresh aromas fill this sphere
as soil is drenched with nourishment.
All life revives when summer’s tears
are spilt in joy or brief lament.

This is a painting to be read, and mused and taken into awe... Lovely opening stanza.

All watered flowers lift their crowns
and stand erect on tufted banks,
attired in freshly laundered gowns
of leafy green. The earth gives thanks
for sustenance -- a moist embrace
intensifying faded hues
while appliqués of cirri lace
adorn celestial shades of blue.

Again. Such lovely images. I cannot think of anything that could improve this. The way you bring to life the nurturing and then the vividness of nature's beauty. The use of fresh and unique words make this a real joy to read. The sounds, such as flowers/crowns tufted/attired and scattered alliteration with compliments the imagery so perfectly. I truly thought this has such high merits...


An iridescent bow unfolds
across the sky to dress our land,
-- no legendary pot of gold,
but gems from God’s creative hand.

At this point. Keeping in mind the recent changes in the final stanza. I have to applaud you on the unique and satisfying way you've revised this to take the most forceful image of the final stanza and end with it. I am sorry, but I have absolutely no nits. You've done an applaudable job!


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Guest_Nina_*
post Jul 4 06, 23:48
Post #3





Guest






Hi Snow

A lovely, view of Summer rain and its benefit to the earth. The sun-baked ground certainly needs the water for plants etc to thrive. The storms we had yesterday certainly drenched the soil with moisture (and soaked my washing).

I haven't any suggestions.

Thanks for the read.

Nina
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Jul 8 06, 07:25
Post #4





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Hi Snow,

A lovely picture of summer! The imagery is sharp and vivid, creating a wonderful vista for one to view. It reminds me of the times I've spent in a park near me which I find as refreshing and renewing as your poem!

Such fresh aromas fill this sphere 'Such' doesn't do much for this line IMO. What about 'Fresh, sweet aromas ...'?
as soil is drenched with nourishment[;]{.}
{All} life revives when summer’s tears
are spilt in joy or brief lament.

{All} [W]atered flowers lift their crowns[,]
{and} stand erect on tufted banks{,}
attired in freshly laundered gowns
of leafy green. The earth gives thanks
for sustenance -- a moist embrace
intensifying faded hues
while appliqués of cirri lace
adorn celestial shades of blue. Beautiful imagery!

An iridescent bow unfolds
across the sky to dress our land,
-- no legendary pot of gold,
but gems from God’s creative hand. Perfect ending! It sums up what you've been describing in a lovely way.


'Twould look like this ...

Fresh, sweet aromas fill this sphere
as soil is drenched with nourishment;
life revives when summer’s tears
are spilt in joy or brief lament.

Watered flowers lift their crowns,
stand erect on tufted banks
attired in freshly laundered gowns
of leafy green. The earth gives thanks
for sustenance -- a moist embrace
intensifying faded hues
while appliqués of cirri lace
adorn celestial shades of blue.

An iridescent bow unfolds
across the sky to dress our land,
-- no legendary pot of gold,
but gems from God’s creative hand.


Cathy
 
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Eisa
post Jul 13 06, 18:14
Post #5


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Hi Liz

I do so appreciate your comments and it's thanks to your comments that I decided to revise the last stanza, which I feel is a great improvement.

Great to see you

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Jul 13 06, 18:16
Post #6


Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE(Nina @ Jul 5 06, 05:48 ) [snapback]77996[/snapback]
Hi Snow

A lovely, view of Summer rain and its benefit to the earth. The sun-baked ground certainly needs the water for plants etc to thrive. The storms we had yesterday certainly drenched the soil with moisture (and soaked my washing).

I haven't any suggestions.

Thanks for the read.

Nina


Thanks Nina!

Hope you haven't had your washing soaked again. I think the garden could do with some moisture at the moment.

Thanks again for your comments.

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Jul 13 06, 18:18
Post #7


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Referred By:Lori



Hi Cathy ~ thanks for your suggestions. I'll certainly think about that 1st line.

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jul 13 06, 21:07
Post #8





Guest






Its raining its pouring lets jump in bed cause the old man is snoring.....lol your piece felt full of chilhod singing and yet i was deeper than that... well done well writ well read bloody well enjoyed.
Steve
 
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Eisa
post Jul 14 06, 05:08
Post #9


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QUOTE(ohsteve @ Jul 14 06, 03:07 ) [snapback]78669[/snapback]
Its raining its pouring lets jump in bed cause the old man is snoring.....lol your piece felt full of chilhod singing and yet i was deeper than that... well done well writ well read bloody well enjoyed.
Steve


Thank you Steve -- I'm so glad you enjoyed this one. cloud9.gif

Snow cheer.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 23 06, 15:25
Post #10


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From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Snow.

I enjoyed your revision of this 'summer treasure'. sun.gif It really is a sight when the rains end and the sun takes over. We have many plants that 'lean' towards the sunny side of our yard -like they are stretching out, taking a bow to her.

I only have one suggestion and that is in your opening stanza:

Refreshed aromas fill this sphere
as soil is drenched with nourishment.
All life revives when summer’s tears
are spilt in joy or brief lament.

I’m not certain I can visualize aromas being refreshed, so I offer, Nature’s aromas as an alternate.

While rain is a gem, we've had too much of it lately - but I can say that all the plants in the garden seem to be taking it all in stride. ninja.gif

Cheers
~Cleo Pharoah.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Eisa
post Jul 26 06, 04:47
Post #11


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Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Lori

Thanks for coming back to this one ~ I have also been thinking L1 did not sound quite right and have come up with

A fragrant freshness fills this sphere

I hope you think this is better. I feel it gives a better description.

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 26 06, 05:28
Post #12


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Oh Yes, Snow! hsdance.gif

"A fragrant freshness fills this sphere"

sings.gif!

Voila - an excellent tweak!
~Cleo pharoah2.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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JustDaniel
post Jul 27 06, 06:03
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I find myself with nothing to say but that this is simply stunning, Snow! I've never seen Snow look so beautiful in summer, either! Each image is vivid and there is such freshness throughout!

deLighting to read you again! - Daniel sun.gif


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Slow down; things will go faster!

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Eisa
post Jul 29 06, 19:46
Post #14


Mosaic Master
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QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 26 06, 11:28 ) [snapback]79547[/snapback]
Oh Yes, Snow! hsdance.gif

"A fragrant freshness fills this sphere"

sings.gif!

Voila - an excellent tweak!
~Cleo pharoah2.gif



Thanks Lori cheer.gif

Snow lovie.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Jul 29 06, 19:47
Post #15


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE(JustDaniel @ Jul 27 06, 12:03 ) [snapback]79670[/snapback]
I find myself with nothing to say but that this is simply stunning, Snow! I've never seen Snow look so beautiful in summer, either! Each image is vivid and there is such freshness throughout!

deLighting to read you again! - Daniel sun.gif



Thanks Daniel cloud9.gif

Snow dance.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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