Legacy Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

this poem was inspired by two things.  The first was James' microstory Ourselves, Alone which he submitted for Pandora's 2nd Feb Challenge.  The second was going into schools this week reading stories to classes of children and watching them playing happily together, not caring about culture or religion, just a group of friends.

Legacy  (revised)

Young children playing…
link together
in a colourful patchwork.
Carefree innocence,
untouched by differences.

Eyes wide to
fairytale magic;
narrow perceptibly
with each false lesson.

Hatred simmers,
segregating communities.
Anger dressed in garments
of race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.

Our legacy;
which we pass
to our children.

------------------------------
Legacy (Original)

Young children playing,
link together
in a colourful patchwork.
Delightful innocence,
untouched by differences.

Eyes wide open
to fairytale magic;
narrow perceptibly
with each false lesson.

Hatred simmers,
segregating communities.
Anger dressed in garments
of race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.

This legacy we pass to our children


Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

I won't crit this tonight (too zonked) and it may be Saturday before I manage to. But I just wanted to say how pleased I am that something I wrote helped spark an idea off, how delighted I also am about the better side of growing-up you've witnessed and how much I enjoyed this.

Thank you for the link but thanks even more for taking an idea and, via your own abilities, developing it into a new and very good work.

Let's hope more children don't suffer "false lessons."

I'll be back when I have a brain and time to be helpful.

Thanks!

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

I won't crit this tonight (too zonked) and it may be Saturday before I manage to. But I just wanted to say how pleased I am that something I wrote helped spark an idea off, how delighted I also am about the better side of growing-up you've witnessed and how much I enjoyed this.

Thank you for the link but thanks even more for taking an idea and, via your own abilities, developing it into a new and very good work.


Hope you get a good night's sleep. Thank you for your kind words..  I was thinking about your idea of the cycle of hatred passing down through the generations when I went into a school this week.  Then I was watching the little 4 and 5 year olds playing happily together, so many colours, cultures and religions grouped together in one class.  It got me pondering where the hatred comes from and how it develops, for these kids had no concept of it.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Good morning, Nina

You have some beautiful images in such a short poem. I love the colourful patchwork - so evocative of a playground full of children, as well as alluding to differences between them. And the anger dressed in garments is an excellent phrase, too.

The middle stanza is my favourite: so much with so few words.

Just a few ideas:

Young children playing,.  --- punctuation? maybe ;
link together
in a colourful patchwork.
Delightful innocence,   ---- not quite sure about 'delightful' ...
untouched by differences.

Hatred simmers,
segregating communities.
Anger dressed in garments
of race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.  --- bleeds or bReeds?

Best wishes,

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Thanks for popping in here and critting this poem.

Young children playing,.  --- punctuation? maybe ;
link together
in a colourful patchwork.
Delightful innocence,   ---- not quite sure about 'delightful' ...
untouched by differences.

Thanks for pointing out my rather strange punctuation, I hadn't noticed.
As for delightful - the kids did look rather delightful when I watched them playing, but I am open to suggestions.

Hatred simmers,
segregating communities.
Anger dressed in garments
of race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.  --- bleeds or bReeds?
I wanted to use bleeds  I see anger as red, the same colour as blood and also the idea of anger seeping out and the cliche "makes the blood boil" for anger.  Where there is death and destruction, a lot of blood flows from wounds.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

I found that I was in a mess with brackets, because I was mainly thinking of line-shifts, etc. So I’ll offer this to you in summary only for you to see if any points have merit. I’m not sure myself if my “improvements” are actually better or worse? But here are the ideas for you to think on’t and do as you wish. Hope some are helpful.

James.
===================

Young children
playing... link together
in colourful patchwork.
Delightful innocence,
untouched by differences.

Eyes wide to
fairytale magic;
narrow perceptibly
with each false lesson.

Hatred simmers, segregating.
Community anger,
clad as race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.

Our legacy;
which we pass
to our children.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

Thanks for your suggestions.

Young children
playing... link together
in colourful patchwork.
Delightful innocence,
untouched by differences.
I like the three dots after playing.  However I prefer to keep playing on the first line.

Eyes wide to
fairytale magic;
narrow perceptibly
with each false lesson.
Yes, I'm happy with your suggestions for this verse

Hatred simmers, segregating.
Community anger,
this changes my meaning so I shall stick with the original

clad as race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.
I'm not very keen on the word clad. By using dressed in garments I'm also trying to reflect the distinguishing cultural and religious dress worn by different communities.

Our legacy;
which we pass
to our children.
yes, I like this.  It works better than my original


Thanks once again James.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

My pleasure, Nina.

Thank you.

James.

[Cybele]

Good morning Nina,

A very thought-provoking poem Nina.

Young children playing,
link together
in a colourful patchwork.
Delightful innocence,
untouched by differences.

L3 Conjures up an image of playground games very vividly. My house backs on to a school and the sounds of exuberant children having escaped the classroom is a joy to listen to - all that raw energy released into the ether.

L4 I too have a slight problem with the word delightful in this context,  
may I suggest 'carefree'?  

Eyes wide open
to fairytale magic;
narrow perceptibly
with each false lesson.

This verse is very clever Nina, in subtly shifting the attitude of the children.


Hatred simmers,
segregating communities.
Anger dressed in garments
of race and religion,
bleeds death and destruction.


So strong - this ending, and frightening too.    While what you say here contributes very strongly to forming of young minds, I believe a far worse sin is bigotry handed down through families and implanted in young minds by generations of intolerant parents.

A very important poem Nina, one which I think should be read by MANY people. Perhaps on a school notice board?

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Grace,

>>While what you say here contributes very strongly to forming of young minds, I believe a far worse sin is bigotry handed down through families and implanted in young minds by generations of intolerant parents.

I think Nina also catered for what you say in her last line which I think you may have missed...

"This legacy we pass to our children"

All the best, James.

[Cybele]

Thank you James,  :claps:

And apologies Nina, I did in fact miss that last line.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

A very thought-provoking poem Nina.
thank you.  I was hoping that the poem would be thought provoking.

L3 Conjures up an image of playground games very vividly. My house backs on to a school and the sounds of exuberant children having escaped the classroom is a joy to listen to - all that raw energy released into the ether.
I love watching the children playing and running around at playtime, free for a short time.

L4 I too have a slight problem with the word delightful in this context,  
may I suggest 'carefree'?  
yes, carefree would work.  I'll think about changing it when I do my revision.

This verse is very clever Nina, in subtly shifting the attitude of the children.
thank you again.  

So strong - this ending, and frightening too.    While what you say here contributes very strongly to forming of young minds, I believe a far worse sin is bigotry handed down through families and implanted in young minds by generations of intolerant parents.
I totally agree with you.  Thanks James for pointing out my last line.  I was also hoping this bigotry handed down was implied in the line with each false lesson

A very important poem Nina, one which I think should be read by MANY people. Perhaps on a school notice board?
hmm an interesting thought.

Thanks once again

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

>>I was also hoping this bigotry handed down was implied in the line with each false lesson

I certainly took that line in, Nina. However, especially with the word "lessons," I took it to be more general than just parents: school, community, other relations, parents, too. Your last line(s) I took to mean parents more specifically.

That was my interpretation, anyway.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

>>I was also hoping this bigotry handed down was implied in the line with each false lesson

I certainly took that line in, Nina. However, especially with the word "lessons," I took it to be more general than just parents: school, community, other relations, parents, too. Your last line(s) I took to mean parents more specifically.

thanks, that is what I intended.  

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi

I have now made some revisions which I hope improve the piece.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I like the revision - it's so strong.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

I like the revision - it's so strong.

thanks very much  

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina, I'll second Fran's comment; well done.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

Hi Nina, I'll second Fran's comment; well done.

Thank you and also thanks both of you and Grace for all your helpful suggestions for improvements.



Nina

[Cybele]

Lovely revision Nina,

I am delighted you converted the ending into three lines since it is integral to the whole poem ~ and somehow I missed reading it the first time around.

You have now re-inforced the message very clearly.