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Where are the Butterflies?, For expansion |
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May 31 07, 19:55
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 764
Joined: 18-October 04
From: Sabah, Malaysia
Member No.: 80
Writer of: Poetry
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Where are the Butterflies?
I see one, a wee pinkish one, a lively thing among the green, displaying its wings, glad to be seen under the fading autumn sun.
Once, there were many beautiful wings; great wilderness and the pleasures it did bring... Now there are shops, houses, streets, alas, butterflies have made a forced retreat.
Corrections:
L.8 and butterflies have made a quick retreat.
***
Where are the Butterflies? ( Original )
I see one now, a wee pinkish one, a lively thing among the green, displaying its wings, glad to be seen under the yellow autumn sun.
Once I saw lots of beautiful wings; once we had the wilderness and less things.
Now,there are more shops and houses and streets; but butterflies have gradually made their retreats.
Agatha Lai
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jun 1 07, 07:19
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Guest
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Hi Aggie,
It's so sad to know that this could really happen. The population grows by leaps and bounds so where will the wildlife go?
Cathy
Where are the Butterflies?
I see one {now}, a wee pinkish one, a lively thing among the green, displaying its wings, glad to be seen under the {yellow}[fading] autumn sun.
I don't think 'now' is needed in line one. I thought maybe 'fading' in line 4 might work to show the weakening of the sun as it nears the winter season.
Once I saw lots of beautiful wings; once we had the wilderness and less things.
The 'less things' seems a bit weak IMO, as if for rhyme's sake. Maybe:
Once, there were many beautiful wings; great wilderness and the pleasures it would bring...
Now,there are more shops and houses and streets; but butterflies have gradually made their retreats.
I think you could omit some words in these two lines to tighten it up a bit maybe...
Now there are shops, houses, streets, and butterflies have made a quick retreat
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Jun 1 07, 14:47
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 764
Joined: 18-October 04
From: Sabah, Malaysia
Member No.: 80
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Cathy, QUOTE It's so sad to know that this could really happen. The population grows by leaps and bounds so where will the wildlife go? So good to see you here. Yes, it is sad because it is happening or has already happened. Where are the Butterflies? I see one, a wee pinkish one, a lively thing among the green, displaying its wings, glad to be seen under the fading autumn sun. Once, there were many beautiful wings; great wilderness and the pleasures it would bring... Now there are shops, houses, streets, and butterflies have made a quick retreat. Thanks for the above edit. Aggie
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Jun 1 07, 16:58
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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Hi Aggiel,
I'm Terry, have we met already? Well nice to meet you anyway.
Your poem is a gentle and beautiful thing. God knows I needed it. I just had some heavy reading so your poem was just the thing I needed to lift my spirits and lighten the mood. Ok, it was a little, teeny-tiny bit sad, there are less and less butterflies around autumn. Not too worry though, I think theres a butterfly convention somewhere this year, so when its over they'll be back.
Would you mind if I tweaked a small bit. Would you consider "alas" in the last line? I think "and" looks wrong.
'alas the butterflies made a splendid retreat'.
And Splendid because when you spoke of them retreating the image (in my head) of a butterfly mass exodus was, well.. splendid. I thinks its a nice contradiction in terms.
Thats just a thought, but I like it as it is. So please, whatever you do, don't listen to me.
Terry
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Jun 1 07, 18:15
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Lovely things, the butterflies. At least city gardens provide flowers and things for them to thrive on. Other creatures are not so lucky - they just get crowded out.
Nice and compact, Aggie, much like the butterfly.
For the end, how would you feel about "butterflies have made a forced retreat?"
Merlin
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Jun 1 07, 21:47
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 764
Joined: 18-October 04
From: Sabah, Malaysia
Member No.: 80
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Terry, Nice to meet you, I have seen you around MM. a lot. You make me wonder what’s under the mask. QUOTE Your poem is a gentle and beautiful thing. God knows I needed it. I just had some heavy reading so your poem was just the thing I needed to lift my spirits and lighten the mood.
Ok, it was a little, teeny-tiny bit sad, there are less and less butterflies around autumn. Not too worry though, I think there’s a butterfly convention somewhere this year, so when its over they'll be back. I am happy my poem has this uplifting effect on you. I call this my little poem, I write to amuse myself. I bring it here so it can be brushed up a bit. I am afraid there’s no butterfly convention here in my place, so I don’t see much of around. 'alas the butterflies made a splendid retreat'. I rather like the exclamation, though I don’ think the retreat can be called splendid. For me it’s tragic. But I’ll think of the term,” butterfly mass exodus”. It sounds so grand to me. Thanks for checking in to comment. Aggiel
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Jun 1 07, 21:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 764
Joined: 18-October 04
From: Sabah, Malaysia
Member No.: 80
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Merlin, QUOTE Lovely things, the butterflies. At least city gardens provide flowers and things for them to thrive on. Other creatures are not so lucky - they just get crowded out.
Nice and compact, Aggie, much like the butterfly. Yes, lovely, lovely butterflies. I am never tired of them, whether you call them butterflies or fudea in my mother tongue. . You are right, where there is a man made garden, there they are. Not any more round housing areas for they have become preys to cats. QUOTE For the end, how would you feel about "butterflies have made a forced retreat?" Yes, I love it Merlin, thanks. Aggie
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Jun 2 07, 00:24
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Aggie, I love butterflies and your poem captures a sense of them that arouses that adoration. I am lucky, in that I live 10 minutes from Butterfly World. I like your changes this far, but will leave some weeding suggestions that I hope help get this nearer to its highest potential. It is a lovely poem, as Terry mentions, even with the dash of sadness within, there is a beauty about it that lightens a heavy heart! :) Hugs, Liz ... QUOTE Where are the Butterflies?
I see one, a wee pinkish one, a lively thing among the green, displaying its wings, glad to be seen under the fading autumn sun.
L1, is weakened, in my opinion by the repeat of 'one' I believe you wanted to emphasize the notion that the narrator only see's one single butterfly, but perhaps adding 'single' would add further inner rhyme and enhance that idea without the repeat..You've set the reader up to expect a 8 syllable line count/iambic meter ... L3, kind of breaks that steadiness for me. Perhaps an alternate word choice for displaying, maybe flitting which would create and opening with a double iamb - L4, perhaps beneath for sound benefit and meter.
Here's what it would look like!
I see a single pinkish one. A lively thing among the green, flitting its wings, glad to be seen beneath the fading autumn sun.
Once, there were many beautiful wings; great wilderness and the pleasures it did bring... Now there are shops, houses, streets, alas, butterflies have made a forced retreat.
In stanza 2, it feels a bit more choppy - In L1, beautiful is awkward. Perhaps lovely. In L2, meter and line length seems abandoned and slows the read,
Perhaps ...
Once, there were many lovelyl wings; great wilderness life would bring... Now there are houses, shops and streets, alas, butterflies have made a forced retreat.
Or just for further consideration on meaning ...
Once, many butterflies had flew; when wilderness was vast...who knew our houses, shopping malls and streets would force such beauty to retreat.
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Jun 2 07, 04:14
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 764
Joined: 18-October 04
From: Sabah, Malaysia
Member No.: 80
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Liz, This thread is on my mind today, so I keep checking in. As usual you have got good suggestions. Although when I wrote this poem, I didn't use the meters for a change. Somehow I am led to that direction by your suggestions and I think I am tempted again. Aggie
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