Lights Out(was Untitled) ***, REVISION 4 Options

[Eisa]

Revision 4

Lights Out

My family's visit whisks me
into a whirlwind
of cooking and clearing.
Kin chatter and chuckle
as you flash in my head.

I dash to you, ring
the bell, bang
on the door, browse
the vacant window.

There's a message
in the corner:

General Error

I'm too late to cry
Thank you
for savouring my passions.
You never mocked my dreams
but nurtured their seeds.

An icy blast moans through me
and I feel a sliver
missing.

-------------------------------------
Revision 3 (tweaked again)

The family's visit
caught me up in a whirlwind
of cooking and clearing.
You buzz through my head.
as they chatter and chuckle.

I rush to look in on you again
but your lights are out.
I ring the bell,
bang on the door,
peer through the window.
The place is hushed -

you've gone.

It's too late to cry
Thank you,
for savouring my passions.
You never mocked my dreams,
but nurtured the seeds, my visions.

Air chills as I turn away,
a sliver of me missing.
--------------------------------------
1st stanza was:
The family visits
caught up in my whirlwind
of cooking and clearing.
You buzz through my head.
as they chatter and chuckle.

but added St3 Last line

-------------------------------------------
Revision 2 (few more tweaks)

Caught up in a whirlwind
of cooking and clearing
my family visits.
You buzz through my head.
as they chatter and chuckle.

I rush to look in on you again
arriving breathless, but
your lights are out.
I ring the bell
then bang on the door
and peer through the window.
The place is hushed -

you have gone.

It's too late to cry
thank you,
for relishing my passions.
You never mocked my day-dreams,
nurturing the seeds of my visions.

The air chills as I turn away,
a sliver of me missing.



-------------------------------
REVISION 1

Caught up in a whirlwind
of cooking and clearing
my family visits.
You buzz through my head.
as they chatter and chuckle.

I rush to look in on you again
arriving breathless, but
your lights are out.
I ring the bell
then bang on the door
and peer through the window.
The place is hushed
- you have gone.

It's too late to cry thank you.
for relishing my passions,
you never mocked my day-dreams,
and helped me to find my inner voice.

The air chills as I turn away,
a sliver of me missing.

------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

It's been a hectic day
with family visiting;
I've cooked, cleared and chatted
while you buzzed
through my head all day.
I must see you one last time.

They left at 7.30, so I rushed
and arrived gasping,
but your lights were out.
I knocked on the door, then banged,
but it was locked.

I thought you might be there
until midnight; the landlord
must have asked you to leave.

Now I'm too late to say thank you
for relishing my passions.
You never thought my dreams
were foolish and helped
me find my true voice.

There is a chill in the air
as I turn away,
a sliver of me missing.


---------------------------
revised lines
St2 L4 was

I knocked the door, banged,

Last line was

a sliver of my heart missing

[greenwich]

Gorgeous. Very well conveyed, that someone special invades our feelings and a search for happiness ensures

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Snow.

This piece really intrigues me. It draws me into the situation and leaves all kinds of questions unanswered, which I assume is your intention. There's so much I want to know about what has gone on between these two people.

The only line that caused me to stumble was "I knocked the door, banged,"

You might use a slightly different expression where you live, but for me "on" seems missing after "knocked" ... plus it feels to me that you might expect "even" before "banged" to convey an increasing intensity.

Well, that's probably as much as you'll get from me about FV! LOL

deLightingly, Daniel

[danimik]

Hi

I keep reading this aloud and somehow the opening stanzas don't quite work for me. As a narrative, they are fine which is part of the issue. They read like prose to me.

It's only in the final two stanzas that the poetry kicks in though the final line isn't really required. (I have to admit that there are some words that I think should be avoided in poetry - soul, heart, shard, amongst others. I avoid them because they are overused in my view.)

Sorry I can't be more positive.

Mike

[Eisa]

Gorgeous. Very well conveyed, that someone special who invades our feelings and search for happiness.

Thanks Antony,

This is a first draft so I may make a few changes. Glad you appreciated it.

Eira

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel, What a treat to see you here!

I'm glad you found this intriguing as that was my intention.

You made some valid points, Daniel. Here we do say 'knock the door but it does sound more correct to say' knock on the door'. I'll make some changes now.

You R&M experts don't give yourself enough credit - you always make good observations for helping in FV poems. It's great interacting with you again.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi

I keep reading this aloud and somehow the opening stanzas don't quite work for me. As a narrative, they are fine which is part of the issue. They read like prose to me.

It's only in the final two stanzas that the poetry kicks in though the final line isn't really required. (I have to admit that there are some words that I think should be avoided in poetry - soul, heart, shard, amongst others. I avoid them because they are overused in my view.)

Sorry I can't be more positive.

Mike

Hi Mike,

Yes, I do have a tendency to write in a prose like fashion. This is a first draft so I hope to improve with revision

As to the ending, I should have written ' a slice of me missing'. I agree about cliché words but feel there is sometimes reason to use them.
You have been a help as I know what to work on now.

Eira

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, Snow.

Please let me make ONE suggestion that I frankly wish everyone would follow, namely NOT eliminating the original post, but rather leaving it at the bottom of the original post with a REVISION indicated above it. Otherwise folks' observations won't make sense, since things that they refer to won't be there any longer! Make sense? I really like to see where a poem has BEEN, so I can see more clearly where it's GOING.

deLighting in our interaction, Daniel

[Eisa]

Greetings again, Snow.

Please let me make ONE suggestion that I frankly wish everyone would follow, namely NOT eliminating the original post, but rather leaving it at the bottom of the original post with a REVISION indicated above it. Otherwise folks' observations won't make sense, since things that they refer to won't be there any longer! Make sense? I really like to see where a poem has BEEN, so I can see more clearly where it's GOING.

deLighting in our interaction, Daniel

I quite agree Daniel and I just came back to do that. You must have read my mind.

Snow

[Merlin]

Hello Snow,
I have my 2 devils buzzing on my shoulders, 1 telling me to stick to my guns and not critique, the other saying this is worth giving a tupence for. He wins.
As you know, I come from the R&M camp and having switched to tother, now have a reasonable grasp on it. I still don't like the name "free verse" because usually it is neither free nor verse. My preference is "open form", but it needs to be that. From downstream of yours, Mike noted that it reads like prose - thus, free verse.

Let me lend some ideas that hopefully will make it a grand piece. I say that because it has that potential. I like what I see which got my devil buzzing.

1st. Remember the old adage - show, don't tell. You tell too much.
2nd. There is value to end-stops. Not all of yours are well placed. [edit - I mean line breaks.]
3rd. Make every line create an image for the reader.

Stanza 1. Good opening, poor break. L1 is good, if you wish that to be your main thought, then period. Otherwise, continue the thought to family. It's been a hectic day with family visiting. There's the image.

2nd image >>>
It's been a hectic day.
Family visited, I've cooked,
cleared and chatted while you
buzzed through my head.

all day. Scrap all day. You've already told us it was a hectic day. Stop here, that's the opening image.


I must see you one last time. Continue showing us why. Is it important at what time fam left?
I rushed to your door and arrived gasping.
Your lights were out.
I knocked, then banged, on the door is not necessary unless you usually knock on the ceiling...
but it was locked. This line needs to be strengthened. A powerful, disheartened wording about no answer fits (show).

There tis. I won't do the whole, leaving you to struggle with it. I know the feeling - sometimes I'll labor over something daze!

Best o' the British, and I did enjoy the excersize. I can never spell Xer-size.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

Wow!!! Now THAT is a critique! I couldn't have offered it, but now that I see it, I see it!! Thanks, Merlin.

deLighting in the poetic eye, Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Merlin,

I'm so glad you buzzed around here and pushed me in the right direction. It's great to see you in the FV forum.

This was a first draft and I should have realised it was very telly, but sometimes we need someone to open our eyes. Your critique has bee so helpful.

I've revised it now, but as always open to new thoughts.

Thanks for buzzing by.

Snow

Yes, I sometimes take days - in an absolute daze!

Daniel,

Thanks for calling again and appreciating Merlin's critique

[Merlin]

It's remarkable what you have done revising. With a wee bit of whiteout on a few missed punctuation points, I'd say you've got it.

Yes, this by far improves the 1st draft. There's a lot of imagery and emotion presented. As I said in my above, there was the potential and you've done it justice.


All devices are available for use, and while rhyme is not required, there's no law that states one cannot use some as well. Options are many, including use of white space. I'm liking it, now that I've got a handle on things.

Merlin

[Eisa]

Thanks Merlin!

I'm liking it a lot better too. When I've got time I'll give it one last look and give it a few tweaks.

Eira

[RC James]

Reminds me somehow of one of Hardy's missed , or misplaced messages that would have turned everything around. This is very effective in its depiction of loss, only complaint is maybe "you helped me find my inner voice," seems slightly cliche, maybe a more descriptive specific element there. Well done, RC

[Eisa]

Reminds me somehow of one of Hardy's missed , or misplaced messages that would have turned everything around. This is very effective in its depiction of loss, only complaint is maybe "you helped me find my inner voice," seems slightly cliche, maybe a more descriptive specific element there. Well done, RC

Thanks Richard!

You are quite right about 'helped me find my inner voice'. So glad you pointed that out. I've changed that line with a few more tweaks.

Eira

[Eisa]

A few more tweaks - mainly for conciseness.

Eira

[JustDaniel]

Dear Snow,

I see some of the things that you've done without looking back on what others have posted. [Once there are MANY comments, I tend to get confused] I'll simply offer my impressions from this visit to your Revision 3:

Revision 3 (tweaked again)

The family's visits
I like this change, but it introduces grammatical and clarity issues without tweaking some of the following lines:
caught me up in my a whirlwind
of cooking and clearing.
You buzz through my head.
as they chatter and chuckle.
There is no antecedent for "they" unless you make "family" possessive in the first line, because "family" there is an adjective; adding the 's reverts it to a noun. See?
I rush to look in on you again
I think it's a mistake to eliminate your "breathless" line here, simply because the immediate impression to a first-time reader is that you're looking in on a room in the house rather than actually going somewhere else at some distance. The breathlessness also underscores as nothing else the urgency and importance of your intended rendezvous.
but your lights are out.
I ring the bell,
bang on the door,
peer through the window.
The place is hushed -

you've gone.

It's too late to cry
Thank you,
for savouring my passions.
You never mocked my dreams,
but nurtured the seeds, my visions.
... or, without the "but" the "you never..." continues on to "nurtured..." but I think the person DID nurture... Right?
Air chills as I turn away,
a sliver of me missing.

deLighting in your continuing work on this really stunning poem, Snow

- Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel,

It's good of you to call back again with your thoughts. I've used your suggestion for St1 which does sound smoother. Also added but in St3. I'm still considering adding 'breathless'. I removed it for conciseness and also felt rush hinted at breathless. Lots to think on now.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Super, Snow...

then to aid your consideration of leaving out the entire "breathless" line, I'd suggest that if you do leave it out you add "to your house..." to your "I rush...." This, again, will prevent your reader to think that where you're rushing to is merely a room in the house. I think that's extremely important.

in Light of clarity, Daniel