A Desperate Prayer, by a man without enough hours in the day Options

[Norman D Gutter]

Hello all:

After receiving a number of critiques, I have the following revision.

Revision
A Desperate Prayer by a man without enough hours in the day

Again
I offer You
this simple fix:
Increase
the daily hours
to twenty-six.


Original
A Desperate Prayer
by a man without enough hours in the day

Again I offer You this simple fix:
Increase the daily hours to twenty-six.

[Guest_Don_*]

Well said Norman.

For all those great
grant them thirty-eight.

Don

[Eisa]

A Desperate Prayer
by a man without enough hours in the day

Again I offer You this simple fix:
Increase the daily hours to twenty-six.

Hi Norm

This one made me smile -- it's a prayer I'm sure we all utter sometimes. A thought provking little verse -- wish there was more.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hehee... I like the lightness yet the very powerful thoughts between the two lines--I liked Snow suggestion... I want more.
Perhaps this is a couplet starter for a very, very interesting conversation between God and the narrator, describe within a Sonnet???

(Hint, hint)
Hugs, Liz

[Norman D Gutter]

Thanks Don, Snow, and Liz for the comments.

I hear what you are saying about wanting some more. Short poems somehow seem incomplete. But I feel that this one is complete. And, with 20 syllables (or 21 if you don't naturally elide 'hours' to one), it is three more than the longest haiku, and only two short of a cinquain. Of course, the lack of line breaks is what contributes to the shortness. By the poet/narrator stating his ridiculous request and calling it 'simple', we learn of how out of touch he is. The word 'again' tells us this is not a new thing--I think this the most important word in the poem. The lack of 'please' in the poem hints at a lack of respect for God. Or, maybe the whole thing is just a joke. Either way, I feel like adding more would just be padding.

Unless, the prayer is granted, in which case I will use the first week with the extra hours to turn this into a sonnet!

NDG

[jgdittier]

Thanks Don, Snow, and Liz for the comments.

I hear what you are saying about wanting some more. Short poems somehow seem incomplete. But I feel that this one is complete. And, with 20 syllables (or 21 if you don't naturally elide 'hours' to one), it is three more than the longest haiku, and only two short of a cinquain. Of course, the lack of line breaks is what contributes to the shortness. By the poet/narrator stating his ridiculous request and calling it 'simple', we learn of how out of touch he is. The word 'again' tells us this is not a new thing--I think this the most important word in the poem. The lack of 'please' in the poem hints at a lack of respect for God. Or, maybe the whole thing is just a joke. Either way, I feel like adding more would just be padding.

Unless, the prayer is granted, in which case I will use the first week with the extra hours to turn this into a sonnet!

NDG

Dear NDG,
In case you consider the question as to why there are 24 hours in a "day"...
Our answer at the clock museum where I'm a guide is that the earliest thinkers who dealt with astronomical/
chronological questions chose 12 as a critical number. !2 was preferred over 10 because it contained more prime numbers, hence could be divided into more equal periods. I'd guess the 24 came from the fact that there's a second half to "day", called night.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Eisa]

Thanks Don, Snow, and Liz for the comments.

I hear what you are saying about wanting some more. Short poems somehow seem incomplete. But I feel that this one is complete. And, with 20 syllables (or 21 if you don't naturally elide 'hours' to one), it is three more than the longest haiku, and only two short of a cinquain. Of course, the lack of line breaks is what contributes to the shortness. By the poet/narrator stating his ridiculous request and calling it 'simple', we learn of how out of touch he is. The word 'again' tells us this is not a new thing--I think this the most important word in the poem. The lack of 'please' in the poem hints at a lack of respect for God. Or, maybe the whole thing is just a joke. Either way, I feel like adding more would just be padding.

Unless, the prayer is granted, in which case I will use the first week with the extra hours to turn this into a sonnet!

NDG

You are right Norm -- I was forgetting how short a haiku is, yet it tells everything. I suppose it is perhaps having 2 long lines that makes it look incomplete. You could always go for four.

Again I offer You
this simple fix:
Increase the daily hours
to twenty-six.

Just a thought, but I have to agree, this says everything you want it to (and more between the lines)

Snow

[AMETHYST]

I have to agree with Snow... the 4 lines do work best. Your explanation of specific words, I am embarrassed, but I hadn't seen it until you brought it to my attention. I reread it, taking your intention in consideration and it does hold much more weight. However the couplet doesn't do it justice when considering 'again' and simple' and their purpose within the poem.

Again I offer
You this simple fix:
Increase the daily hours
to twenty-six

I would only suggest a slight difference from what Snow has offered... and that would be to bring down 'You to start L2' ... other than that... to my mind, interpretation it really works.

Hugs, Liz

[wordsart]

Love the idea behind this one and it is so punchy being short.

It is certainly complete as it stands but would also make a grand punch line for a longer poem.

I wrote on on same subject a few years ago. called the decimal day, but I think I had only 20 hours in the decimal day that was one of the EU rulings for all member states!!

I'll recite this whenever I am late for a deadline!!


Jenni

[Norman D Gutter]

Thank you all for the additional comments on this. I'll give consideration to breaking it into a four line poem.

I think I'm going to let it rest for a while and see how it looks in a couple of months.

NDG

[Alan]

Dear Norman,

Perfect as it is, tho for the eye it looks better in 4 lines.

One thing I have learned in reading out short poems, is to make a very long title, otherwise the audience completely fails to "get ready" until it is long gone !

Love
Alan

[Norman D Gutter]

Hi Alan:

You dragged this up from aways back. Thanks for doing that. I wanted to post a revision, but didn't want to bring it up myself. I mean for the subtitle as part of the title. I think that corresponds with what you said about titles.

I'll edit the revision into the initial post.

NDG

[Alan]

Dear Norman,

If you are going to be so brazen about wanting this dragged up, you might as well have done it yourself, lol ! But it is a pleasure to serve you.

Yes, there is the subtitle, perhaps it should be incorporated as part of the main one ? Also, is it not "from" a man ... ?

Love
Alan

[AMETHYST]

Hi Dave,

I think that the revised format does a lot of the poem over all. It allows the reader to slow down the read, contemplating the meaning and correlation between the two phrases, while also giving pause to mull specific aspects to the word choices, such as the word 'simple' and the inclusion of 'again' in L1-

The title does play a critical part to the poems interpretation and this, I would say, with the change in format has reached a very gratifying point.

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Oh by the way, anytime one of your posts falls to another page, and there is revisions posted, feel free to pull up-and you can bump it by using one of the emoticons like ...

Or you can use that old I stole from Pk~

Hugs, Liz

[Norman D Gutter]

Thanks for your observations, Liz.

I agree that the new format is better.

NDG

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello NDG.

I do like the latest revision more! I think the shorter lines add emphasis to the rhyme scheme soemhow (could just be me .

I have only one idea to suggest:

Again
I offer You
this simple fix:
Increase
the Your daily hours
to twenty-six.

Hmmmm - what I could do with 2 extra hours per day - that'sa neat thought!

Cheers
~Cleo