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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Mar 31 04, 04:07
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry  |
Revised
Cracked black clings to inkwell's rim the quill's tip bent. Nonsensical thoughts diminish beneath heated light forming constant mists. Paper tips yellow, curl with time-- brittled by timeless vacuity. Original Cracked ink clings to inkwell's rim the quill's tip bent. Paper tips yellow, curl with time-- brittled by framed vacuity. Nonsensical thoughts diminish beneath heated light then slide away. ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
  
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Mar 31 04, 17:45
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Siren!
You've created a short and neat piece here!  I spot a couple of transitions where you shift from present to past - so I got a tad confused. I think this can be resolved if you change this line here: Paper tips yellow, curling with time-- brittled by framed vacuity. **Great word! The other spot is here with the word, "heated", when preceding the word light, it seems a repetition? Nonsensical thoughts diminish beneath heated light then slide away. How about intense, animated or impassioned light instead? Anyway - another GREAT piece!   ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner       |
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| Guest_blondie_* |
Apr 2 04, 14:35
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#3
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Hi Siren friend. :)
I can't believe I've missed this one until now. I thought this was a neat piece. I'm attracted to the simplicity of it. I agree with Cleo on the tense issue...I can see the confusion. My favorite line: brittled by framed vacuity. Excellent write! ~Amy~ |
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Apr 4 04, 11:54
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 847 Joined: 14-November 03 From: Ireland Member No.: 41 Real Name: Lucie Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Wow! This is one of those marvellous poems that can say so much in just a few lines, and evoke such a clear picture. The first two lines are great opening, and I also love that line "brittled by framed vacuity"..the atmosphere is very effectively described. Really liked this one
······· ·······Lucie
"What could have made her peaceful with a mind That nobleness made simple as a fire, With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind That is not natural in an age like this, Being high and solitary and most stern? Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?" WB Yeats "No Second Troy" MM Award Winner  |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Apr 4 04, 15:07
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#5
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QUOTE(Siren @ Mar. 31 2004, 03:07) Cracked ink clings to inkwell's rim the quill's tip bent. Paper tips yellow, curl with time-- brittled by framed vacuity. Nonsensical thoughts diminish beneath heated light then slide away. I carried quotation of your verse to keep track of my comments. BTW, hi Siren, Daniah, I can't speak for free verse but fixed forms work best when ictus (word stress) is at end of each line. Words which drop off due to unstressed ending are: yellow and vacuity. I will not attempt to arrange high and low stresses. May I humbly suggest: Cracked ink coats inkwell wall beside bent tip quill. Curled time, yellow paper, tips brittle vacuity frame. Vague thought(s) melt under hot light then slide(s) away. [Plural thoughts above deletes "s" here][Consider slip, which is softer than slide.] Since you work late at night, I am sure you are conveying fatigue. Writer's fatigue. The first stanza indicates disuse. the ink has evaporated and residue is dried cracked inside the container—pretty good metaphor for being used up and tired, feeling old and worn. The bent quill denotes damage due to abuse or overuse. My only justification is old artifacts are expected to show stain and damage. The archeologist is happy? A satisfaction of completness or closure by innate verity (mind set expectation). Curled time/yellowed paper/curled paper corners/brittle/vacuum/framed together are complex similes for ravages of expended time and effort. This terse arrangement has motion. It drives reader who must concentrate to get it. Perhaps you dislike "vague" and have a better word choice. I like the idea of thought slipping away by being melted in heat. The bright flame of a candle melts its supporting wax. BTW, all light has degrees of cool to hot just like it has degrees of dim to bright. Anyway the overt "light" is a simile for mental work Its heat consumes itself like the candle analogy. We have a literal exercise in a juggling dance between a physical image and a mental image. I call it poetry. I think you know where I am going with combinations of: cracked/coats inkwell/wall beside/bent There may be objection to "tip" twice. Hey gal, it is your poem. Don't let a hack like myself ruin a good thing. Sometimes a fool unwittingly utters wisdom. Pardon if this crit is heavier than allowed in this MM tile. Don :pharoah2 |
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Apr 5 04, 18:36
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#6
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Mar. 31 2004, 16:45) Hi Siren! You've created a short and neat piece here! I spot a couple of transitions where you shift from present to past - so I got a tad confused. I think this can be resolved if you change this line here: Paper tips yellow, curling with time-- brittled by framed vacuity. **Great word! The other spot is here with the word, "heated", when preceding the word light, it seems a repetition? Nonsensical thoughts diminish beneath heated light then slide away. How about intense, animated or impassioned light instead? Anyway - another GREAT piece! ~Cleo Hey the Lori, Thanks so much for dropping in on this and giving me those suggestions. I have posted a rewrite and hope you check back in. :) Thank you and sorry for my tardy response. Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 9 04, 08:26
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#7
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,250 Joined: 2-August 03 From: USA Member No.: 7 Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Daniah,
This is great! Such deep and strong emotion spillls out of this thoughtful piece. Also, the duality throughout your expression is so poignant!  "brittled by timeless vacuity" ****Super ending. Writer's block affected within the layers of life? :pharoah2 :pharoah2 (this is packed with strong metaphors) :pharoah2 Wonderful writing, Dani. Blessings, Lindi ······· ·······"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
Albert Einstein MM Award Winner  |
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Apr 9 04, 18:00
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#8
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(blondie @ April 02 2004, 13:35) Hi Siren friend. :) I can't believe I've missed this one until now. I thought this was a neat piece. I'm attracted to the simplicity of it. I agree with Cleo on the tense issue...I can see the confusion. My favorite line: brittled by framed vacuity. Excellent write! ~Amy~ Amy, I apologize for my late response to your valued comments. I'm so glad you liked this and hope you check back on the revision. Thanks so much again. Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 9 04, 18:02
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#9
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(Ephiny @ April 04 2004, 11:54) Wow! This is one of those marvellous poems that can say so much in just a few lines, and evoke such a clear picture. The first two lines are great opening, and I also love that line "brittled by framed vacuity"..the atmosphere is very effectively described. Really liked this one Lucie, I'm so honored by your honest thoughts and opinions. Daniah :) ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 9 04, 18:11
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#10
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(Don @ April 04 2004, 15:07) QUOTE(Siren @ Mar. 31 2004, 03:07) Cracked ink clings to inkwell's rim the quill's tip bent. Paper tips yellow, curl with time-- brittled by framed vacuity. Nonsensical thoughts diminish beneath heated light then slide away. I carried quotation of your verse to keep track of my comments. BTW, hi Siren, Daniah, I can't speak for free verse but fixed forms work best when ictus (word stress) is at end of each line. Words which drop off due to unstressed ending are: yellow and vacuity. I will not attempt to arrange high and low stresses. May I humbly suggest: Cracked ink coats inkwell wall beside bent tip quill. Curled time, yellow paper, tips brittle vacuity frame. Vague thought(s) melt under hot light then slide(s) away. [Plural thoughts above deletes "s" here][Consider slip, which is softer than slide.] Since you work late at night, I am sure you are conveying fatigue. Writer's fatigue. The first stanza indicates disuse. the ink has evaporated and residue is dried cracked inside the container—pretty good metaphor for being used up and tired, feeling old and worn. The bent quill denotes damage due to abuse or overuse. My only justification is old artifacts are expected to show stain and damage. The archeologist is happy? A satisfaction of completness or closure by innate verity (mind set expectation). Curled time/yellowed paper/curled paper corners/brittle/vacuum/framed together are complex similes for ravages of expended time and effort. This terse arrangement has motion. It drives reader who must concentrate to get it. Perhaps you dislike "vague" and have a better word choice. I like the idea of thought slipping away by being melted in heat. The bright flame of a candle melts its supporting wax. BTW, all light has degrees of cool to hot just like it has degrees of dim to bright. Anyway the overt "light" is a simile for mental work Its heat consumes itself like the candle analogy. We have a literal exercise in a juggling dance between a physical image and a mental image. I call it poetry. I think you know where I am going with combinations of: cracked/coats inkwell/wall beside/bent There may be objection to "tip" twice. Hey gal, it is your poem. Don't let a hack like myself ruin a good thing. Sometimes a fool unwittingly utters wisdom. Pardon if this crit is heavier than allowed in this MM tile. Don :pharoah2 Don, I love your crit on this. I did make more revisions and I'm not sure if you've noticed the switch I made in S2 and S3. Hope you check back and in and tell me what you think. Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 9 04, 18:17
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#11
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(Aphrodite @ April 09 2004, 08:26) Hello Daniah, This is great! Such deep and strong emotion spillls out of this thoughtful piece. Also, the duality throughout your expression is so poignant! "brittled by timeless vacuity" ****Super ending. Writer's block affected within the layers of life? :pharoah2 :pharoah2 (this is packed with strong metaphors) :pharoah2 Wonderful writing, Dani. Blessings, Lindi Lindi, Hi. I haven't checked back in to this in a while, but I'm glad I came back. Thank you for the glowing remarks. :) Hugs Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Apr 9 04, 18:26
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#12
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Dear Daniah,
I came back and looked closely at your latest revision (?), which has , shall I say, six stanzas. The triming and restructuring positively improves the verse in my read. Don :pharoah2 |
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Apr 10 04, 07:03
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#13
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Excellent revisions Dani! :pharoah2 :sun: :pharoah2
Nicely done! :glitter: What an amazing change in meaning with a few slight tweaks!  Hugs! ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Apr 10 04, 08:37
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#14
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Don and Lori,
Thank you both so much for coming back to this. I am poud of how this has evolved in the revisions. I did get rid of the extra words and kept what parts of it I adore and feel is unique. I'm so glad you think it works. Lately I've been going through my old poems and venturing into revisions and I hope to post them too. Thanks again. :) Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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