Walking Duet, A poem Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© John Francis, 2005. I, John Francis, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.


Ref: JF 0386 AD

Walking Duet
by JF

As you ramble sandy track...
I’m holding your pack.
When wind tousles your hair...
feel my caress - I’ll be there.
If clouds pass overhead...
by your footfalls, I’ll tread.
As you smile; when you cry...
my love, always know...
I’ll be nigh.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James!
I like this very much!  Short and sweet, yet you can feel
the emotion in it.  My only nit is line 2 (I'm holding your pack).
It shows you being thoughtful and helpful but IMO it seems
somewhat ordinary compared to the rest of the poem.

When wind tousles your hair...
feel my caress - I’ll be there.  Lovely image!
If clouds pass overhead...
by your footfalls, I’ll tread.  Sweet, beautiful thought!
As you smile; when you cry...
my love, always know...
I’ll be nigh.   No matter what -- you are there

"I'm holding your pack" seems so out-of-place in this lovely piece!

Cathy

[Arnfinn]

Short and sweet James,

[Rhyme]


So, your helping this person with their worrying troubles.

A good freind indeed.
Side by side you and your freind will weather the storms of adversity.

Simple declaration of love for the awareness of love in poetic terms.


John

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy!

Thanks for popping in and critting.

>C>I like this very much!

Eeh, I'm reet chuffed lass (= I'm very pleased)

>C>Short and sweet,

I do my best.

>C> yet you can feel the emotion in it.

Oh right! Thank you.

>C>My only nit is line 2 (I'm holding your pack). It shows you being thoughtful and helpful but IMO it seems somewhat ordinary compared to the rest of the poem.

Well, don't blame me - blame the Chi-lites! (US soul group, 1970s)... or was it someone else??? (Can't find the lyrics - something about "I carried your books from school..." Anyway that was the impression I was trying to give (really the point which you make).

Anyway, it is my fault (I was joking - though I think we could blame the Chi-lites for a lot - why not?)

Between thee and me, Cathy, I did have more problems with that line than any other. So I shall keep it under consideration for a change - if a good (and tempting) one pops-up.

Thank you very much indeed! I'm grateful for your highlighting that problem and for your overall appreciation of this piece.

Top of the Morning to you,

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Sorry Chi-lites!

I was wreckless there.

It is Frankie Valli - "My Eyes Adored You."

Which contains the lines...

"Carried your books from school...

Walkin' home every day over Bonicut bridge and bay"

But it's a sad song and this isn't meant to be a sad poem - different endings.

Anyway, I'm still blaming the Chi-lites - especially because I love their work and I think they've stopped recording.

J.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

As you ramble sandy track...
I’m holding your pack.
When wind tousles your hair...
feel my caress - I’ll be there.
If clouds pass overhead...
by your footfalls, I’ll tread.
As you smile; when you cry...
my love, always know...
I’ll be nigh.

This is a beautifully warm and loving declaration - what more could any friend want than to 'know I'll always be there for you' ?

Love the 'ramble sandy track' sounds.

Would 'I'll lighten weight of pack'? be any use for L2? or 'I'll lift weight from your pack'?

Life and love as a pathway ...

Thanks,

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Arn,

>A>Short and sweet James,

Thanks. I didn't know you cared. You and Cathy!

>A>[Rhyme]

Oh, I see, sorry.

A>So, your helping

Well, the narrator is, anyway.

>A>So, your helping this person with their worrying troubles. A good freind indeed. Side by side you and your freind will weather the storms of adversity.

Or even non-adversity. Like Yellow Pages - there for the happy times, too.

>A>Simple declaration of love for the awareness of love in poetic terms.

Thank you, John.

All the best, J.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran
Thanks for visditing and commentating.

>F>This is a beautifully warm and loving declaration - what more could any friend want than to 'know I'll always be there for you' ?

Thanks.

>F>Love the 'ramble sandy track' sounds.

Thank you, again.

>F>Would 'I'll lighten weight of pack'? be any use for L2?

I don't think that works better for me, thanks. But I appreciate the suggestion; I'll keep looking.

>F>or 'I'll lift weight from your pack'?

Ah no that is less good (sounds like a pick-pocket) :)

>F>Life and love as a pathway ...

As indeed they are. Fun journey, hopefully :)

Thank you. J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi  James

On my first reading, this came across as a simple poem that shows the narrator's love for his/her partner in an understated yet powerful way.  "I'm here for you and will always be here for you through happy and sad times.

The second read through I saw another interpretation, probably not one you intended at all but here it is anyway.  
As you ramble sandy track...
the use of you rather than we makes me think that the narrator's lover is walking on her own and the narrator isn't there at all.

I’m holding your pack.
metaphorically rather than physically

When wind tousles your hair...
feel my caress - I’ll be there.
If clouds pass overhead...
by your footfalls, I’ll tread.
the narrator is saying feel my presence in the wind tousling your hair and the shadow cast by the clouds rather than his physical presence

As you smile; when you cry...
my love, always know...
I’ll be nigh.
again it feels as if the narrator is saying, "even though you can't see me I am here when you laugh and when you cry.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for your visit and comments - all appreciated.

>N>On my first reading, this came across as a simple poem that shows the narrator's love for his/her partner in an understated yet powerful way.  "I'm here for you and will always be here for you through happy and sad times.

It is partly that, to be sure.

>N>The second read through I saw another interpretation, probably not one you intended at all but here it is anyway.  

I'm agog (yes, I do have a gog passport)

"As you ramble sandy track..."

>N>the use of you rather than we makes me think that the narrator's lover is walking on her own and the narrator isn't there at all.

"I’m holding your pack."

>N>metaphorically rather than physically

>N>the narrator is saying feel my presence in the wind tousling your hair and the shadow cast by the clouds rather than his physical presence

>N>again it feels as if the narrator is saying, "even though you can't see me I am here when you laugh and when you cry.

Well, Nina, I'm very sorry to break the news to you but... that is precisely what I was aiming for. The narrator is yearning to be with his lover, thinking of his lover and, at least in spirit, is always with his lover on walks and so on.

I believe therapy is available for those who understand what I mean in poems. I think you may need to take advantage of it.

All the best, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

I'm agog (yes, I do have a gog passport)
yes, you do have the look of a gog about you (or a gonk)


Well, Nina, I'm very sorry to break the news to you but... that is precisely what I was aiming for. The narrator is yearning to be with his lover, thinking of his lover and, at least in spirit, is always with his lover on walks and so on.
Ok, I'm glad I wasn't completely way off.  Interesting because the interpretation can also be taken to a different level (which I'm not sure you intended) which  is that the narrator is dead and can only be with his lover in spirit.


I believe therapy is available for those who understand what I mean in poems. I think you may need to take advantage of it.
you know of a good therapist then?

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi NIna,

>J>I'm agog (yes, I do have a gog passport)
>N>yes, you do have the look of a gog about you (or a gonk)

Ok, I have to admit I've never heard of "gonk" so... I Googled...

Gonk - prevaricate / embellish truth beyond reason. "You're gonking me... your story is a bunch of gonk."

I promise, I've never gonked you - I'm sure you'd have noticed.

But then I came upon this...

To grab some sleep at an odd time (British)

Ah! A raging insomniac. Yes, you have me there. I'm a gonk.

>N>Ok, I'm glad I wasn't completely way off.  Interesting because the interpretation can also be taken to a different level (which I'm not sure you intended) which  is that the narrator is dead and can only be with his lover in spirit.

You were zit-on.

I did not intend that but I did see it whilst I was writing. I recognised it as an alternative - and entirely valid - interpretation. In fact, death might translate one interpretation to t'other. Still, this is a happy (if somewhat frustrated) poem so I'll focus on the living aspects. Well done, Nina - thank you.

>N>you know of a good therapist then?

Now, think about that question again. If I knew a good therapist would I be like this...?

All the best,

Gonk.

[jgdittier]

Dear James,
I once mentioned that you're in the mainstream, where the current is deep and tranquill, and I'm out of the mainstream where shallow flow produces ripples.
Keeping to your message thoughts but adding some ripples...

As you ramble sandy track...
I'll be carrying your pack.
When the wind will whip your hair...
Feel my caress, for I'll be there.
If cloaking clouds pass overhead...
I, by your footfalls, ever tread.
When e'er you smile, when e'er you cry...
Be sure, my dear, that I'll be nigh.

Those ripples may ruffle the image, so it's purely your go.
Cheers,    jgd

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Ron,

Thanks for your visit, comments and suggestions

>R>I once mentioned that you're in the mainstream, where the current is deep and tranquill, and I'm out of the mainstream where shallow flow produces ripples.

But, Ron - I can't swim!!

As regards the message - I find it very odd being told I'm mainsteam, I must say. I forever seem to be out on a limb in poetry.

>R>Keeping to your message thoughts but adding some ripples...

>>I'll be carrying your pack.

I'll think of this - still considering that line. Thanks.

When the wind will whip your hair...

"Tousle" and "whip" are very different, so I'll stick with the original, thanks.

Feel my caress, for I'll be there.

I'll think about that, thanks.

If cloaking clouds pass overhead...
I, by your footfalls, ever tread.

Do not "if" and "ever" rather contradict? One seems conditional, the other permanent?

>>When e'er you smile, when e'er you cry...
>>Be sure, my dear, that I'll be nigh."

These last two lines would not be in my voice, so I'll decline them, thanks.

>R>Those ripples may ruffle the image, so it's purely your go.

Thanks Ron - much appreciated.

I shall consider.

Best wishes,

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi all,

I've now tidied this tile up. (Removed the very amusing Gonk submissions - thanks all).

Crits still invited, if anyone wishes.

J.

[Cybele]

Hello James,

This sounds like parted lovers to me. You, wishing you could be by her side, wanting to share her joys and troubles, but something is preventing you from being there?

But in that case, I have a problem with the second line

I'm holding your pack.

This could be seen as metaphorical but to fit in with the rest of the sentiments perhaps you would need to make it

I'll be holding your pack.

The rest is wonderfully wistful and very touching. Thank you for the read James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

>G>This sounds like parted lovers to me. You, wishing you could be by her side, wanting to share her joys and troubles, but something is preventing you from being there?

Well, not me Grace - the narrator. (and I have not mentioned the gender of either - male/female; female/male; male/male; female/female).

Nevertheless, yes, you have my intentions perfectly. Thank you.

>G>But in that case, I have a problem with the second line

So do I!! This is the problem line for me, too (as well as most other critics)

>G>This could be seen as metaphorical but to fit in with the rest of the sentiments perhaps you would need to make it...

>G>I'll be holding your pack.

Thanks Grace - that one goes into the melting pot, too. Much appreciated.

>G>The rest is wonderfully wistful and very touching. Thank you for the read James.

Thank YOU, Grace - much appreciated.

J.

[heartsong7]

James...
You do have an ear for meter and rhyme.
The meter is mixed...but in a pleasing way that has a lyrical sound when read aloud.

I get the impression that the narrator is a lover who, while he can't be physicallly available, wants her/him to know he'll always be there in spirit.

wistful and romantic.
I enjoyed
Sue

PS... I just went back and read a few previous crits.
I'd like to add that I like the track/pack lines.
even though he's not
actually there to carry that pack... love lightens it as if he were.
just another way of saying he'll be there in spirit to help carry life's load.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sue,

Thanks for popping-in; much appreciated.

>S>You do have an ear for meter and rhyme.

Rhyme - sure, I can cope with rhyme.

Meter... whatever meter is in here is fortune; I did not write it with any thought towards meter. I'd like to boast that I planned the meter but, alas, I didn't. (I didn't even realise it was correct until you said - and, I'm afraid, still don't know what makes it correct).

>S>The meter is mixed...but in a pleasing way that has a lyrical sound when read aloud.

Oh. I think mixed meter probably tells you it was cock-up, not conspiracy. I'm glad you like the sound - I love it when people do like what I write, howsoever they enjoy it.

>S>I get the impression that the narrator is a lover who, while he can't be physically available, wants her/him to know he'll always be there in spirit.

Yes, that was 100% my main intention when I wrote this. Thank you.

>S>wistful and romantic.

That is very pleasing - again, my intentions. Thanks.

>S>I enjoyed

The ultimate accolade for me. Thank you, again.

>S> PS... I just went back and read a few previous crits. I'd like to add that I like the track/pack lines. even though he's not  actually there to carry that pack... love lightens it as if he were. just another way of saying he'll be there in spirit to help carry life's load.

Yup that, again, is precisely what I meant.

Thanks again, very much Sue - greatly appreciated.

James.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello James.  :grinning:

A lovely piece which has an old-world feel to it!  :lovie:


Short - but to the point and oh so sweet! I like the interpretation I felt here that no matter where he/she may go, the other is there with them, to protect and nurture...

A very good piece!

My one nit for you to take or toss:

I’m holding your pack.

I embrace your pack – if you are going for multi-meanings perhaps embrace is better visceral word?

Glad I stopped by - I will be back again to read this! Filed in the Cleo fav's....  :cloud9:

~Cleo  :cheer: