Rollercoaster Ride, Dream Sequence 2 Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

This story is based on a dream I had a couple of weeks ago.   The basic story is exactly how I dreamt it, though some of the details and the dialogue have been added. I have decided to create a series of them under the collective title "Dream Sequence" and this is number 2.


Rollercoaster Ride (revised thanks James and Fran)
Dream Sequence 2

Driving home along the motorway after visiting friends, I was looking forward to relaxing in a warm, oil-scented bath, reading the latest best-seller.  It had been a glorious September afternoon: clear blue skies, uninterrupted sunshine, without the unbearable heat of mid Summer. Now the Sun was setting; red fire dropping slowly over the horizon.  

Queen’s These Were The Days of My Life was playing in the background as my thoughts pleasantly drifted.  I was vaguely aware that we were in the fast lane, probably going over the speed limit, overtaking slower vehicles.  Suddenly, the car veered out of control. I screamed. The car spun violently, crashing through the side barrier, then slicing deep into woodland which flanked the road.
“Do something!” I yelled, gripping my seat tightly.  
“The brakes don’t work,” Keith cried panicking.
Still travelling at speed, the car wove through the trees, brushing against low lying branches and bushes, each dip and slope threw us about. Keith frantically turned the steering wheel, rally-driver style, trying to negotiate obstacles which loomed before us with frightening regularity.  We cleared the forest and careered across green, bumpy heath land.  I shut my eyes, no longer daring to look.

Eventually, we came to a halt.  I was astounded that we were both still sitting upright, uninjured when we could so easily have been buried under a mangled wreck of metal.  Once the mist outside had dissipated and my body had stopped trembling, I opened the door to get out.  My foot plunged into icy water.  The car was sitting in the middle of a clear, shallow river; it’s riverbed covered with small, sandy stones.  I started to tell Keith but the car lurched backwards.  I quickly pulled my leg back inside and slammed the passenger door.  
“What are you playing at?  I was half way out the car.”
“Me?  I didn’t do anything.  It’s this bl**dy car, it’s possessed.”
We reversed rapidly up the grassy bank, turning sharply following the contour of a hill, hurtling ever faster up the incline as if pulled by an unseen force.  I looked out of the window.  We were driving close to a sheer precipice.  Suddenly the car swung that way. We were heading over the edge.  

There was a massive crunch of metal on stone as the car’s underside caught on some jagged boulders.  We came to a teetering stop.  Gingerly, I climbed out, legs shaking violently. Keith followed.  As we cautiously walked over to the edge, we could see the car pivoting dangerously, back wheels spinning in mid air.  An overwhelming sense of relief flooded through me as I stood there clinging onto Keith, sobbing as though I’d never stop.

© Nina  2005



---------------------------

Rollercoaster Ride (original)
Dream Sequence 2

Driving home down the motorway after visiting friends, I was looking forward to relaxing in a warm, oil-scented bath, reading the latest best-seller.  It had been a glorious September afternoon: clear blue skies, uninterrupted sunshine, without the unbearable heat of mid Summer. Now the Sun was setting; a ball of red fire dropping slowly over the horizon.  

Lyrics from Queen’s These Were The Days of My Life pierced the edge of my consciousness as my thoughts pleasantly drifted.  I was vaguely aware that we were in the fast Lane, probably doing about eighty mph, overtaking slower vehicles.  Suddenly the car veered out of control.  Wide awake now, I screamed as we spun violently to the right, crashing through the side barrier, then slicing deep into the woodland, flanking the side of the road.
“Do something!” I yelled, gripping tightly to the side of my seat in terror.  
Keith cried back, “the brakes don’t work,” panic evident in his voice.
Still traveling at an incredible speed, the car wove through the trees, brushing against low lying branches and bushes, each dip and slope throwing us about. Keith frantically turned the steering wheel, rally-driver style, trying to safely negotiate obstacles which loomed before us with frightening regularity.  We cleared the forest and careered across green, bumpy heath land.  I shut my eyes, no longer daring to look.

Eventually we came to a halt.  I was astounded and relieved that we were both still sitting upright, uninjured when we could so easily have been buried under a mangled wreck of metal.  Once the mist outside had dissipated and my body had stopped trembling, I opened the door intending to get out.  My foot plunged into icy water.  I looked down to discover that the car was sitting in the middle of a clear, shallow river, it’s riverbed covered with small, sandy stones.  Just as I was about to tell Keith where we had come to rest, the car lurched backwards.  I quickly pulled my leg back inside and slammed the passenger door.  
“What are you playing at Keith?  I was half way out the car.”
“Me?  I didn’t do anything.  It’s this bl**dy car, it’s possessed.”
We left the river, reversing rapidly up the grassy bank, turning sharply following the contour of a hill, hurtling ever faster up the incline as if pulled by an unseen, raging force.  I looked out of the window to my left.  What I saw filled me with horror.  We were driving close to a sheer precipice.  Suddenly the car swung to the left. We were heading over the edge.  

There was a deafening crunch of metal on stone as the car’s underside caught on some jagged boulders.  We came to a teetering stop.  Gingerly, I climbed out, legs shaking violently. Keith followed.  As we cautiously walked over to the edge, we could see the car pivoting dangerously, back wheels spinning in mid air.  An overwhelming sense of relief flooded through me as I stood there clinging onto Keith, sobbing as though I’d never stop.[/b]

© Nina  2005


Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Firstly, I am very sorry that I, nor anyone else, has critted this hitherto. I just seem to have been busy but am glad I'm here now. I hope my nudge encourages other critters.

>N> This story is based on a dream I had a couple of weeks ago. The basic story is exactly how I dreamt it, though some of the details and the dialogue have been added. I have decided to create a series of them under the collective title "Dream Sequence" and this is number 2.

Thanks for this intro. I do hope you continue with the series.

Rollercoaster Ride
Dream Sequence 2

Driving home[,] {down} [along] the motorway[,] after visiting friends, I was looking forward to relaxing in a warm, oil-scented bath, reading the latest best-seller. It had been a glorious September afternoon: clear blue skies, uninterrupted sunshine, without the unbearable heat of mid Summer. Now the Sun was setting; a {ball of} red fire dropping slowly over the horizon.

(I suggest dropping the two words to remove the cliché.)
(Else excellent verse.)

Lyrics from Queen’s These Were The Days of My Life {pierced the edge of my consciousness} as my thoughts pleasantly drifted. I was vaguely aware that we were in the fast {L}[l]ane, probably doing about eighty {mph}[M.P.H.], overtaking slower vehicles. Suddenly the car veered out of control. Wide awake now, I screamed as we spun violently to the right, crashing through the side barrier, then slicing deep into {the} woodland, [which flanked] {flanking} the {side of the} road.

That last line again…

the slicing deep into woodland, which flanked the road.

(side and flanked are tautological)

(Song titles - use italics or inverted commas.)
({pierced the edge of my consciousness} - too poetic / pompous. Use more grounded language)
(How can the car crash through a side barrier to the right? It must have been the central barrier)

“Do something!” I yelled, gripping [my seat] tightly {to the side of my seat} in terror.

(especially when doing fast action scenes avoid long sentences).

Keith cried back, “the brakes don’t work,” panic evident in his voice.

(ditto that last phrase about panic)

Still {traveling} [travelling] at {an incredible} speed (80 MPH is very credible) , the car wove through the trees, brushing against low lying branches and bushes, each dip and slope throwing us about. (tense change - try "threw us") Keith frantically turned the steering wheel, rally-driver style, (good) trying to {safely} (axiomatic) negotiate obstacles which loomed before us with frightening regularity.

(brushing / bushes - a tad distracting, maybe?)
(Again, the above phrasing is too precise. It stifles excitement).

We cleared the forest and careered across green, bumpy heath land. I shut my eyes, no longer daring to look.

Eventually we came to a halt. I was astounded and relieved that we were both still sitting upright, uninjured when we could so easily have been buried under a mangled wreck of metal. Once the mist outside had dissipated and my body had stopped trembling, I opened the door intending to get out. My foot plunged into icy water. I looked down to discover that the car was sitting in the middle of a clear, shallow river, it’s riverbed covered with small, sandy stones. Just as I was about to tell Keith where we had come to rest, the car lurched backwards. I quickly pulled my leg back inside and slammed the passenger door.
“What are you playing at Keith? I was half way out the car.”
“Me? I didn’t do anything. It’s this bl**dy car, it’s possessed.”

(good line)

We left the river, reversing rapidly up the grassy bank, turning sharply following the contour of a hill, hurtling ever faster up the incline as if pulled by an unseen, raging force. I looked out of the window to my left. What I saw {filled me with horror} (cliché). We were driving close to a sheer precipice. Suddenly the car swung to the left. We were heading over the edge.

There was a {deafening crunch} (cliché)  of metal on stone as the car’s underside caught on some jagged boulders. We came to a teetering stop. Gingerly, I climbed out, legs shaking violently. Keith followed. As we cautiously walked over to the edge, we could see the car pivoting dangerously, back wheels spinning in mid air. An overwhelming sense of relief flooded through me as I stood there clinging onto Keith, sobbing as though I’d never stop.

Brilliant story, Nina - very gripping.

Major points: avoid clichés and be punchier in writing - especially when doing action scenes. Else very good well done - an enjoyable read. Thank you.

J.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina, I had printed this out for a reckie with the red pen and I'll bring the results back here when I can find the results in my kitchen chaos (tomorrow)

James, I am duely nudged!  :snail:  :turtle:

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

>J>Firstly, I am very sorry that I, nor anyone else, has critted this hitherto. I just seem to have been busy but am glad I'm here now. I hope my nudge encourages other critters.

I'm glad you have critted now, thanks.  

>J>Thanks for this intro. I do hope you continue with the series.

thanks muchly for the encouragement.  

Driving home[,] {down} [along] the motorway[,] after visiting friends, I was looking forward to relaxing in a warm, oil-scented bath, reading the latest best-seller. It had been a glorious September afternoon: clear blue skies, uninterrupted sunshine, without the unbearable heat of mid Summer. Now the Sun was setting; a {ball of} red fire dropping slowly over the horizon.
>J>(I suggest dropping the two words to remove the cliché.)
(Else excellent verse.)

darn those cliches that creep in.  I will lose the two words.

Lyrics from Queen’s These Were The Days of My Life {pierced the edge of my consciousness} as my thoughts pleasantly drifted. I was vaguely aware that we were in the fast {L}[l]ane, probably doing about eighty {mph}[M.P.H.], overtaking slower vehicles. Suddenly the car veered out of control. Wide awake now, I screamed as we spun violently to the right, crashing through the side barrier, then slicing deep into {the} woodland, [which flanked] {flanking} the {side of the} road.
That last line again…

the slicing deep into woodland, which flanked the road.

>J>(side and flanked are tautological)

yep, will change.

>J>(Song titles - use italics or inverted commas.)

was meant to be but I forgot to put the italics back in when transferring from WORD
({pierced the edge of my consciousness} - too poetic / pompous. Use more grounded language).

>J>(How can the car crash through a side barrier to the right? It must have been the central barrier)

LOL, I thought you'd pick up on this illogicality.  My problem was that this was how I dreamt it.  I tried to write with the car crashing through the central barrier but the problem I hit(!) was that to get to the woods, the car would then have had to cross the motorway going in the opposite direction.  Would it have managed to get all the way across without hitting another car or causing a terrible accident as cars braked to avoid it.  I could have had it swerving left but then it would have had to be in the slow lane.  I therefore, decided to leave it as is even though it is slightly illogical  (well the whole dream is anyway).

>J>(especially when doing fast action scenes avoid long sentences).

Keith cried back, “the brakes don’t work,” panic evident in his voice.

(ditto that last phrase about panic)

OK, I'll try to remember....short sentences, thanks

>J>(brushing / bushes - a tad distracting, maybe?)
(Again, the above phrasing is too precise. It stifles excitement).

again, point taken

>J>Brilliant story, Nina - very gripping.

thanks very much :)

>J>Major points: avoid clichés and be punchier in writing - especially when doing action scenes. Else very good well done - an enjoyable read. Thank you.

those pesky critters have a habit of sneaking in, un-noticed.  I will banish them forthwith.  

So, I need shorter sentences for action scenes, must remember.

I'm chuffed you enjoyed the strange working of my sleeping mind and thanks very much for taking the time to give me some very helpful suggestions.

Ta muchly

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

>J>I had printed this out for a reckie with the red pen and I'll bring the results back here when I can find the results in my kitchen chaos (tomorrow)

I look forward to the results of your red pen efforts.  What is it about kitchens that attract piles of papers that seem to disappear into the ether.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina

Well, you might as well get some use out of those pesky dreams since they won't leave you alone!

I am looking forward to more of these already: they seem to form the basis of some interesting stories - could quite easily be developed and lengthened to submit.

You are very good at the scary suspense now

I am critting this rather hard - hope it won't deter you from these sequences; they are very interesting and, as I said, a great story basis.

as usual: suggestions {omit} [add] comment

==========================

Driving home down the motorway after visiting friends, I was looking forward to relaxing in a warm, oil-scented bath, reading the latest best-seller.  It had been a glorious September afternoon: clear blue skies, uninterrupted sunshine, without the unbearable heat of mid Summer. Now the Sun was setting; a ball of red fire dropping slowly over the horizon.  

Lyrics from Queen’s These Were The Days of My Life pierced the edge of my consciousness I find this phrase stands out rather as my thoughts pleasantly drifted.  I was vaguely aware that we were in the fast Lane, {probably doing about eighty mph,} mph feels awkward, but these days need it (as 80 kph is not so fast) so maybe drop that expalnation altogether? overtaking slower vehicles.  Suddenly coma? the car veered out of control.  Wide awake now, I screamed as we spun violently to the right, crashing through the side barrier, then slicing deep into the woodland, flanking the side of the road. agree with James that sentances need to spped the panic along - keep them very short and sharp for the action, and keep the sudden things at the start of the sentance (scream) ... how about rearanging eg:
I screamed. (no need to say awake! ) The car spun to the right, crashed through a barrier and sliced into the flanking woodland.
“Do something!” I yelled, gripping tightly to the side of my seat {in terror}.  can see the MC is terrified - no need to tell, too
Keith cried back, “the brakes don’t work,” panic evident in his voice. again, I would suggest rearranging to keep the impetus; put Keith's words at the start of the sentance:
"The brakes don't work!" Keith cried, panicking.
Still traveling at an incredible speed, the car wove through the trees, brushing against low lying branches and bushes, each dip and slope throwing us about. Keith frantically turned the steering wheel, rally-driver style, trying to safely negotiate obstacles {which loomed before us with frightening regularity}.  We cleared the forest and careered across green, bumpy heath land.  I shut my eyes, no longer daring to look.

Eventually coma? we came to a halt.  I was astounded {and relieved}obviously  that we were both {still sitting upright,} uninjured when we could so easily have been buried under a mangled wreck of metal.  Once the mist outside had dissipated and my body had stopped trembling, I opened the door {intending} to get out.  My foot plunged into icy water.  {I looked down to discover that} the car was sitting in the middle of a clear, shallow river{,}[;] it’s riverbed covered with small, sandy stones.  Just as I was about to tell Keith where we had come to rest, Suggest shorten that to something like: I started to tell Keith but ...the car lurched backwards.  I quickly pulled my leg back inside and slammed the passenger door.  
“What are you playing at {Keith}?  I was half way out the car.”
“Me?  I didn’t do anything.  It’s this bl**dy car, it’s possessed.”
We {left the river, reversing}[reversed] rapidly up the grassy bank, turning sharply {following} [to follow] the contour of a hill, hurtling ever faster up the incline  erm ... anorak time, but how can you be following a contour AND going up? as if pulled by an unseen, raging force. does "raging" add? I looked out of the window {to my left}.  What I saw filled me with horror. you've been "showing" brilliantly all through but this is "telling" - can you find some way of describing the feeling instead? We were driving close to a sheer precipice.  Suddenly the car swung {to the left}[that way]. We were heading over the edge.  

There was a deafening crunch of metal on stone as the car’s underside caught on some jagged boulders.  We came to a teetering stop.  Gingerly, I climbed out, legs shaking violently. Keith followed.  As we cautiously walked {over} to the edge, we could see the car pivoting dangerously, back wheels spinning in mid air.  An overwhelming sense of relief flooded through me as I stood there clinging onto Keith, sobbing as though I’d never stop.

====================================

Overall an excellent and scary dream, but I feel (and this is, of course, entirely personal from me) you could benefit from pacing the sentance structure - so we really do feel more breathless in the really panicked moments (short, punchy sentances, action first).

I also found the description of crashing through the barrier confusing ... I know you are following the dream, but that may be something where you need to let your conscious work out a better description if this is to become a story. Unless directions and so on are absolutely necessary to the plot (or you want to write like Dan Brown) try not to mention left/right etc as it merely confuses. (On the other hand, if you make as much money as DB ... )

Since James and I both quite like rather pared language (though we can argue over show/tell for Britain, lol) it might be good to ask someone with a different style to crit, too. (Lori or Andrew, perhaps?)

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Thanks very much for the crit, much appreciated and its depth doesn't faze me in the least, it's the only way to improve.  I shall print it out to look at more thoroughly on the way home and come back later when I have more time to reply.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

>N> My problem was that this was how I dreamt it.  I tried to write with the car crashing through the central barrier but the problem I hit(! was that to get to the woods, the car would then have had to cross the motorway going in the opposite direction.  Would it have managed to get all the way across without hitting another car or causing a terrible accident as cars braked to avoid it.  I could have had it swerving left but then it would have had to be in the slow lane.  I therefore, decided to leave it as is even though it is slightly illogical  (well the whole dream is anyway).

Dare I suggest you might have an unhelpful vision of writing prose here?

Your dreams are the stimulus material and the basis for the story. But remember, just as stories about factual events are, themselves, fictional, so stories about dreams do not need to adhere precisely to the dream. You are writing for yourself, sure - but also for your readers. So don't worry about not matching the dream exactly - it is best used to make the story as good as it can be.

NB I have often see you remark, in reply to others' suggestions to write more, that your dream stopped there. Well, should you wish, just take over where your dream leaves off. Same thing - writer using the dream, not vice-versa. :)

Thanks!

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

>N> My problem was that this was how I dreamt it.  I tried to write with the car
crashing through the central barrier but the problem I hit(! was that to get to
the woods, the car would then have had to cross the motorway going in the
opposite direction.  Would it have managed to get all the way across without
hitting another car or causing a terrible accident as cars braked to avoid it.
I could have had it swerving left but then it would have had to be in the slow
lane.  I therefore, decided to leave it as is even though it is slightly
illogical  (well the whole dream is anyway).

>J>Dare I suggest you might have an unhelpful vision of writing prose here?

LOL, Of course you can suggest it, though I’m not going to agree with you.

>J>Your dreams are the stimulus material and the basis for the story. But remember, just as stories about factual events are, themselves, fictional, so stories about dreams do not need to adhere precisely to the dream. You are writing for yourself, sure - but also for your readers. So don't worry about not matching the dream exactly - it is best used to make the story as good as it can be.

I agree and I consciously tried to turn the dream into a better story, by adding dialogue, extra details and improving the ending. The whole build up from the beginning of the story to speeding along in the outside lane wasn’t in my dream but written in to enhance the story.  

With the car crashing, I did try and write something alternate to the dream but I scrapped it, not because it didn’t fit in with the dream but because I felt it wouldn’t work unless my car had been the only one on the motorway and how realistic is that. I felt the likelihood of an impact being avoided was very small and that would have halted any progress into the woods.  I made the decision that the illogicality of the car swerving to the right and hitting the side of the road was the better one to take.  However if anyone can come up with a workable alternative I will happily use it.

>J>NB I have often see you remark, in reply to others' suggestions to write more,
that your dream stopped there. Well, should you wish, just take over where your
dream leaves off. Same thing - writer using the dream, not vice-versa. :)

Yes I have remarked to others that the dream stopped there and in the particular instance you refer to, yes I could have taken over where the dream stopped but I didn’t feel that by continuing, it would have improved the story.  I quite liked the way it stopped on a cliff-hanger leaving the rest to the reader’s imagination.  Had I felt that I could have made the ending more powerful then I would have written more.

Cheers

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Thanks for this

>F>Well, you might as well get some use out of those pesky dreams since they won't leave you alone!

Very true.  I may as well get some mileage out of them.

>F>You are very good at the scary suspense now

thank you  :grinning:

>F>I am critting this rather hard - hope it won't deter you from these sequences; they are very interesting and, as I said, a great story basis

OK, *takes a deep breath before plunging in*

*resurfacing five minutes later, shell shocked*

Joking aside, the crit wasn't as hard as you made out.  I don't disagree with what you suggest, deleting extraneous words and phrases and I can see (I think) why and will take everything into consideration when revising.

>F>Overall an excellent and scary dream, but I feel (and this is, of course, entirely personal from me) you could benefit from pacing the sentance structure - so we really do feel more breathless in the really panicked moments (short, punchy sentances, action first).

Yes, I see that and James said the same, so I'll work on that aspect.

>F>I also found the description of crashing through the barrier confusing ... I know you are following the dream, but that may be something where you need to let your conscious work out a better description if this is to become a story. Unless directions and so on are absolutely necessary to the plot (or you want to write like Dan Brown) try not to mention left/right etc as it merely confuses. (On the other hand, if you make as much money as DB ... )

I'm not quite sure where to go with the crash scene.  Are you suggesting simply omitting the direction the car veered in?  Will that make it less confusing?

I have so far managed to avoid reading Dan Brown so have no idea what his writing is like.  However the money he makes from writing is not to be sneezed at.

>F>Since James and I both quite like rather pared language (though we can argue over show/tell for Britain, lol) it might be good to ask someone with a different style to crit, too. (Lori or Andrew, perhaps?)

What is wrong with pared language?  It isn't a problem at all to lose those words you suggest and in a lot of ways it is much less confusing to be critted by critters who have a similar style and perhaps more what I'd like to aim at.  I need to learn the art of captureing a vivid picture on paper of what I see in my head but doing it concisely and I suppose that only comes with practice.  

Show and Tell is a different matter altogether.  I'm still trying to get my head around the whole concept.  If it is obvious then I can see the difference and it is often easier to see it with other writers' work.

Well enough rambling from me,

Thanks very much for taking the time and effort to crit this, much appreciated.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Good morning, Nina

OK, *takes a deep breath before plunging in*

*resurfacing five minutes later, shell shocked*

Joking aside, the crit wasn't as hard as you made out.  I don't disagree with what you suggest, deleting extraneous words and phrases and I can see (I think) why and will take everything into consideration when revising.

LOL, glad you survived. Mind you, if you are used to surviving those dreams one little crit isn't going to be scary at all  

>F>I also found the description of crashing through the barrier confusing ... I know you are following the dream, but that may be something where you need to let your conscious work out a better description if this is to become a story. Unless directions and so on are absolutely necessary to the plot (or you want to write like Dan Brown) try not to mention left/right etc as it merely confuses. (On the other hand, if you make as much money as DB ... )

I'm not quite sure where to go with the crash scene.  Are you suggesting simply omitting the direction the car veered in?  Will that make it less confusing?

If you are in the fast lane I suppose that doesn't help very much ... would it be better to have a bit more about the experience of getting off the motorway? Obviously you'd have to invent it - as it wasn't in the dream

For example, you could bounce off the central barrier and vere across the carridgeways (ie on your own side still) between hooting cars (skidding to avoid you) and between roaring lorries in the slow lane with wheels that are bigger than the car ...

I think you could omit the actual direction (left) as then the story works more easily in the States and other places where traffic drives on the right.

I have so far managed to avoid reading Dan Brown so have no idea what his writing is like.  However the money he makes from writing is not to be sneezed at.

I've only read a (borrowed) copy of The Da Vinci Code. My review? Page turner - cliff hangers every chapter ending - but wooden, 2-D characters, cliched dialogue, chucks of self-indulgent exposition and a quite ridiculously OTT plot (makes MY novel plot look simple, lol). But plenty of people adore it for the excitement value (its like Ian Flemming in the 60s, I suppose).

>F>Since James and I both quite like rather pared language (though we can argue over show/tell for Britain, lol) it might be good to ask someone with a different style to crit, too. (Lori or Andrew, perhaps?)

What is wrong with pared language?  It isn't a problem at all to lose those words you suggest and in a lot of ways it is much less confusing to be critted by critters who have a similar style and perhaps more what I'd like to aim at.  I need to learn the art of captureing a vivid picture on paper of what I see in my head but doing it concisely and I suppose that only comes with practice.  

Yes, but poetic extras can work very well, too - Annie Prouloux (sp?) is a good literary example ... mind you, I can't read her work for more than 5 minutes without needing a break ... and you didn't get on with David Almond (though I like his style)

If you like pared then go for it - I just don't want to push anyone into a way that is not their natural style (for starters, it's none of my business - we're all in this learning together).

Show and Tell is a different matter altogether.  I'm still trying to get my head around the whole concept.  If it is obvious then I can see the difference and it is often easier to see it with other writers' work.

Yes, I find that, too.

Well enough rambling from me,
Thanks very much for taking the time and effort to crit this, much appreciated.

It's an interesting conversation - how much to take from the dream and how much to add, plus writing in different styles. Thanks.

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

I don't have time to read the reviews above just now, but I thought I'd let you know that I thought this was well written and had a vivid clarity about it. It also reminded me of my daily drive to work, but that's another matter.  :)

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Perry

Thanks very much.  I'm just glad I don't have your drive to work every day if it's anything like my dream.  I just let the bus take the strain.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

>F>LOL, glad you survived. Mind you, if you are used to surviving those dreams one little crit isn't going to be scary at all  

Indeed my own mind is far more frightening than any crit., LOL

>F>If you are in the fast lane I suppose that doesn't help very much ... would it be better to have a bit more about the experience of getting off the motorway?
Obviously you'd have to invent it - as it wasn't in the dream

For example, you could bounce off the central barrier and vere across the
carridgeways (ie on your own side still) between hooting cars (skidding to avoid you) and between roaring lorries in the slow lane with wheels that are bigger than the car ...

thanks I’ll think about developing that and see if it works.

>F>Yes, but poetic extras can work very well, too - Annie Prouloux (sp?) is a good literary example ... mind you, I can't read her work for more than 5 minutes without needing a break ... and you didn't get on with David Almond (though I like his style)

I don’t think Annie Prouloux would be my style at all says she who cannot stand reading Dickens.  I like a lot of action or emotion in novels and hate getting bogged down in description.

>F>If you like pared then go for it - I just don't want to push anyone into a way that is not their natural style (for starters, it's none of my business - we're all in this learning together).

I think it probably is my natural style and maybe the mistake I make is being conscious of it and trying to move in the opposite direction.

>F
I’m glad you enjoyed it, thanks too and for your help with this.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi

I've revised this now and I hope it reads better.  Thanks very much James and Fran for all your help and good advice.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

I'd be sitting on the edge of my bed hugging a teddy bear ... or something!  lol

Driving home along the motorway after visiting friends, I was looking forward to relaxing in a warm, oil-scented bath, reading the latest best-seller.  It had been a glorious September afternoon: clear blue skies, uninterrupted sunshine, without the unbearable heat of mid Summer. Now the Sun was setting; red fire dropping slowly over the horizon.  Wonderful descriptions!

Queen’s These Were The Days of My Life was playing in the background as my thoughts pleasantly drifted.  I was vaguely aware that we were in the fast lane, probably going over the speed limit, overtaking slower vehicles.  Suddenly, the car veered out of control. I screamed. The car spun violently, crashing through the side barrier, then slicing deep into woodland which flanked the road.
“Do something!” I yelled, gripping my seat tightly.  
“The brakes don’t work,” Keith cried panicking.
Still travelling at speed, the car wove through the trees, brushing against low[-]lying branches and bushes, each dip and slope threw us about. Keith frantically turned the steering wheel, rally-driver style, trying to negotiate obstacles which loomed before us with frightening regularity.  We cleared the forest and careered across green, bumpy heath land.  I shut my eyes, no longer daring to look. Did you mean "careened"?

Eventually, we came to a halt.  I was astounded that we were both still sitting upright, uninjured when we could so easily have been buried under a mangled wreck of metal.  Once the mist outside had dissipated and my body had stopped trembling, I opened the door to get out.  My foot plunged into icy water.  The car was sitting in the middle of a clear, shallow river; it’s riverbed covered with small, sandy stones.  I started to tell Keith but the car lurched backwards.  I quickly pulled my leg back inside and slammed the passenger door.  
“What are you playing at?  I was half way out the car.”
“Me?  I didn’t do anything.  It’s this bl**dy car, it’s possessed.”
We reversed rapidly up the grassy bank, turning sharply following the contour of a hill, hurtling ever faster up the incline as if pulled by an unseen force.  I looked out of the window.  We were driving close to a sheer precipice.  Suddenly the car swung that way. We were heading over the edge.  

There was a massive crunch of metal on stone as the car’s underside caught on some jagged boulders.  We came to a teetering stop.  Gingerly, I climbed out, legs shaking violently. Keith followed.  As we cautiously walked over to the edge, we could see the car pivoting dangerously, back wheels spinning in mid[-]air.  An overwhelming sense of relief flooded through me as I stood there clinging onto Keith, sobbing as though I’d never stop.

Great action and the imagery makes it easy to see it happening! So glad it was just a dream!
Very well done~

Cathy  :speechless:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

>C>I'd be sitting on the edge of my bed hugging a teddy bear ... or something!  lol

LOL, now there's an answer to my nightmares.  Perhaps I should kick my hubby out the bed and cuddle up to a teddy bear instead  

>C>Great action and the imagery makes it easy to see it happening!

thanks muchly  :grinning:

>C>So glad it was just a dream!
me too, though would have been better if it had been someone else's dream

>C>Very well done~

thanks and thank you for popping in to read and comment

cheers

Nina