Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ A Cold Villanelle **

Posted by: anaisa Nov 7 15, 15:03

revision~

When British folks get sick they just don’t care.
You won’t see them with Vicks or Sudafed,
They cough and sneeze while germs fly everywhere.

They stroll with t-shirts on, in chilly air.
They kiss “hello” “goodbye.” That’s how things spread!
When British folks get sick they just don’t care.

The Brits do not wear gloves when they prepare
A meal for customers, who when they're fed,
Sense grimy little germs are everywhere.

They’re paid a handsome sick-leave, but declare:
I’m almost better, I can’t lie in bed.
When British folks get sick, they just don’t care.

The Yanks scream: I’m contagious, so beware!
Then hole up in their rooms with broth and bread,
To keep their germs from going everywhere.

The Brits are tough, they suck it up. It’s fair
To say they’ll carry on until half-dead.
When British folks get sick they just don’t care.
They cough and sneeze while germs fly everywhere.

My light verse is pretty hit and miss. I hesitate to even put this up, but I can use help on it for sure.
Forgive me British friends, after spending 2 months in England I came up with this while I sneezed in my room.

When British folks get sick they just don’t care.
You won’t see them with Vicks or Sudafed,
They let their germy kids go everywhere.

They stroll with t-shirts on, in chilly air.
They kiss “hello” “goodbye” that’s how things spread—
When British folks get sick they just don’t care.

The Brits do not wear gloves when they prepare
A meal for customers, who when they're fed,
Sense grimy little germs are everywhere.

They’re paid a handsome sick-leave, but declare:
I’m almost better, I can’t lie in bed.
When British folks get sick, they just don’t care.

The Yanks scream: I’m contagious, so beware!
Then hole up in their rooms so it won’t spread,
And keep their germs from going everywhere.

The Brits are tough, they suck it up. It’s fair
To say they’ll carry on until half-dead.
When British folks get sick they just don’t care.
They cough and sneeze while germs fly everywhere.

Posted by: Eisa Nov 8 15, 19:17

LOL!!!! This is brilliant, Karen. I can't stop laughing! After reading this I have decided I can't be a true Brit as I think much as you do. Perhaps it's because I'm Welsh or have some American blood in me (must find out about my ancestry)

Not only have you written a fantastically humorous poem, but a villanelle too. I've not tried this form before, but you seem to have done a great job. I hope someone will come here from Karnak's forum who can be more use than me. I will call back later when I have more time.

Eira

Posted by: posthumous Nov 8 15, 21:23

this is actually pretty good, which is a big compliment from me for a villanelle. But I think the repetitions work well for a light piece.

My only suggestion is for punctuation... That's how things spread! Should be more like an interjection. This shows your own American bias and fear about germs, providing a good counterpoint to the main point.

the meter is good, iambic pentameter without being sing-song.

Posted by: Psyche Nov 9 15, 01:48

Karen, you've made me laugh out loud with your clever villanelle!!

In my country we have both sorts of people, so it doesn't help for keeping up good relationships...LOL...But there have been campaigns showing people how to sneeze into their inner arm or sleeve, plus lots of washing hands, etc. We may have our faults, but we Argentines are high up on the lists of purchasing cleaning products and personal hygiene stuff!!!

Going back to your amusing villanelle, do keep posting them because your metre is good and you've worked the repetitions perfectly. I love villanelles.

I've written a few and also hesitate about posting them, but will do so.

Keep 'em coming,
Psyche

Posted by: Larry Nov 9 15, 19:43

Hi Karen,

I've read your "Cold Villanelle" a number of times since you posted it and even pasted it on my MSWord program
to see if I could come up with a viable alternative to Refrain 2 (A2).

I know it is light verse and like Snow says, very funny and your metrics are spot on but I'm a stodgy old purist when
it comes to nearly any kind of form poetry.

You have taken great liberties with A2 in as much as changing most all the wording of that line in each stanza.

I've only written a dozen or so villanelles and always try to maintain the same words in each refrain; whereas
Daniel will throw you a curve ball in a heartbeat by using a pun or homonym in a line or two.
I was always told that is permissible to utilize punctuation or some appropriate homonyms to change the meaning
of each line while leading up to a climactic ending.

Perhaps this is what the two asterisks imply. You are asking for help with the Refrain 2.

Let me know if this is correct and I shall try to help in any way I can.

Larry

p.s. Glad to have you aboard and posting

Posted by: anaisa Nov 9 15, 21:42

Hi Larry,

As far as changing the wording a little in each line, I'm okay with that. I understand that you are not, and I respect your dedication. Feel free to mention things that don't look as if they are written properly. I may not always agree, but it certainly doesn't upset me. There is one glaring error I discovered that has been bugging me all day. I'll post a correction possibly tomorrow and see if it looks better. I suggest the two asterisks were code for using the word "spread" twice!

Posted by: Larry Nov 10 15, 00:10

Hi Karen,

First, the asterisks are supposed to designate the level of critique you require - 1= light, 2=medium, and 3=Please Help Me!

As far as the second "spread", in S5/L2, you might use:
Then hole up in their rooms like newly wed.

TOT,

Larry

Posted by: posthumous Nov 10 15, 13:26

IMHO, your changes to A2 are still in the spirit of a villanelle. But to repeat "spread," that is a cardinal sin and sorry I missed it.

Posted by: Luce Nov 11 15, 16:53

I like the light humor of this piece.

But, there were some bits that got me. See comments below:

When British folks get sick they just don’t care.
You won’t see them with Vicks or Sudafed,
They let their germy kids go everywhere.

They stroll with t-shirts on, in chilly air.
They kiss “hello” “goodbye” that’s how things spread—
When British folks get sick they just don’t care.

S2L1 - Maybe "in the cold air" as oppose to "chilly air". Sounds less forced to me this way.

The Brits do not wear gloves when they prepare
A meal for customers, who when they're fed,
Sense grimy little germs are everywhere.

S3L1 - Sounds too formal in contrast to the rest of the poem. No contraction used. Maybe you can say
"The English don't" instead of "The Brits do not" to keep the tone casual.
L2-S3L3 - Do you really sense germs? We use our senses to gather info. about our environment.
This info. is interpreted in the brain and we act accordingly. I'd use a sense then to describe an
unhealthy setting.

They’re paid a handsome sick-leave, but declare:
I’m almost better, I can’t lie in bed.
When British folks get sick, they just don’t care.

The Yanks scream: I’m contagious, so beware!
Then hole up in their rooms so it won’t spread,
And keep their germs from going everywhere.

S5L3 -I don't have a problem with changing a repeating line in a villanelle. As long as the last word
is used and the general tone is maintained, it's fine with me.

The Brits are tough, they suck it up. It’s fair
To say they’ll carry on until half-dead.
When British folks get sick they just don’t care.
They cough and sneeze while germs fly everywhere.

S6L3-L4 -These are great ending lines. Infact, I'd use the last two lines for your opening stanza
(S1L1 & L3).

Posted by: anaisa Nov 11 15, 20:52

Hi Luce,

Thank you for reading it and your critique. I liked your suggestion about the last line. I just finished working on it...I think.
Cheers!

K

Posted by: Larry Nov 11 15, 21:27

Hello again Karen,

I would have missed it but for Luce's critique.

Do you mean "since" instead of "sense" in S3/L3?

Since grimy little germs are everywhere.

Your change in S5/L2 works very well also.

Larry

Posted by: anaisa Nov 11 15, 22:30

Hi Larry and Luce,

"since" doesn't really work because it is all one sentence.

The Brits do not wear gloves when they prepare A meal for customers, who when they're fed, Sense grimy little germs are everywhere.

I don't see the issue with "sense" I'm afraid. The customers see the food being prepared with the owners bare hands, it causes the customers to sense there may be germs associated with the meal. Just like animals sense danger, or rain, it's a feeling based on the environment. No?

Posted by: Luce Nov 12 15, 02:07

[quote name='anaisa' date='Nov 11 15, 22:30 ' post='139842']
[size="3"][/size]

The Brits do not wear gloves when they prepare
A meal for customers, who when they're fed,
Sense grimy little germs are everywhere.

I don't see the issue with "sense" I'm afraid. The customers see the food being prepared
with the owners bare hands, it causes the customers to sense there may be germs associated
with the meal. Just like animals sense danger, or rain, it's a feeling based on the environment. No?
[/quote]

Yes, it's based on the environment. But, I'm wondering if substituting the bare hands making
the food would make for stronger comic imagery.

In the end, all crits are just suggestions. You determine how far and where you want to go
with your poem.

BTW, I love the change you made in S5L2 too.

Luce

Posted by: JustDaniel Nov 21 15, 04:26

Great to read you again, Karen! I'm very encouraged to see so much activity in this forum of late!

You've engendered a great deal of discussion, and I think all of it has been wonderfully courteous and helpful. I also want to commend you for your revision of S5L2 to rid he word repetition.

It's kind of ironic to be concerned about word repetition in a villanelle, but of course repeated words outside of A1 and A3 could be off-putting, as you noted.

As to the formal repletion of the exact words in a strict villanelle, I love to play with the variations myself, as Larry noted. I've not written one of these villains for some time now, since there've been so few around to make any comments on such pieces until now. I'm very encouraged to give another one a try, so I've brought up the http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=225&st=0 thread in Karnak Crossing for others to chew on.

Right now I seem to be having trouble with my computer and I just deleted a lengthy discussion of the "sense" line with a single keystroke, so I'm a bit frustrated with myself right now. I'll come back to it, so please forgive me for the present.

One more thing before I stop for now: as I mentioned to Richard about his piece, I think yours would be much more powerful if you actually included your TITLE along with the poem. After all, it's part of the poem, and it's a clever misdirection -- which created the curiosity for me to drop in on what you meant by a cold villanelle. Actually, it's rather warm, and come might even say, HOT. LOL

deLighting in the writing, Daniel