A LEAK FROM ON HIGH ***, From 2015 Holiday Classic Options

[Alan]

A LEAK FROM ON HIGH

A rumor has it,
something big's going down.
Holiday Inn's packed
it's all over the town

But nobody knows
yet, quite what it could be
opinions run riot
not a single room's free

They're packing them in
outhouses and stable
wherever they'll fit -
most uncomfortable

Three Wise Men journey
they're not travelling blind
with some precious gifts
seem to know what's in mind ?

They'd done their planning
days before, from afar
a vision, they claim
to pursue a bright Star

So how did they know
and what gave them the tip
who leaked their purpose
before start of their trip ?

Not secure, their plan
someone had the detail
had to be Big Man
Who knew it would not fail

Thus Jesus was born
in a humble hay stack
with Three Kings so wise
AND THERE'S NO GOING BACK !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

[AMETHYST]

Hello Alan,

It is so wonderful to read your poetry again. The smile it left, as well as the woven seriousness of topic is my treasure. I liked voice, especially in S1. Brought to mind a little tough guy telling it like it is.

S2L2, felt awkward for yet, quite. It may be a personal preference. Some thoughts for you to consider might be for sure, what it could be / surely what it could be.

I did also find table/uncomfortable stumble, but I would not offer a change as it was one of the lighthearted lines that made me smile, especially when you pronounce it to make it rhyme. So just saying - :)

You offer some lovely lighthearted rhymes to lead to a stronger ending stanza. A very good holiday poem that brings a smile.

Best to you, Liz

A LEAK FROM ON HIGH

A rumor has it,
something big's going down.
Holiday Inn's packed
it's all over the town

But nobody knows,
yet, quite what it could be
opinions run riot
not a single room's free

They're packing them in
outhouses and stable
wherever they'll fit -
most uncomfortable

Three Wise Men journey
they're not travelling blind
with some precious gifts
seem to know what's in mind ?

Perhaps "Do they know what's in mind?"

They'd done their planning
days before, from afar
a vision, they claim
to pursue a bright Star

I liked this very much

So how did they know
and what gave them the tip
who leaked great purpose
before start of their trip ?

L3, perhaps who leaked such purpose,
L4, at the start of their trip/ by onset of their trip/


before seems forced and to my ear just doesn't add that kick that the stanza seems to reach for. Of course there are other alternatives. Please use what helps and discard that which doesn't.

Not secure, their plan
someone had the detail
had to be Big Man
Who knew it would not fail


Thus Jesus was born
in a humble hay stack
with Three Kings so wise
AND THERE'S NO GOING BACK !

Alan McAlpine Douglas