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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Member Recognition -> Valley of the Kings _ Critiquer of the Month - JULY Noms

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 19 06, 05:23

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JULY.

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
http://www.ladydorothea125.net/CelticCastleDesigns.html

The details:

Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JULY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in July as well.
Post the two examples in this thread.
Post only the CRITIQUES.
Make sure your examples are from the month of JULY.
State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
Eligible forums:
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through October 30th, 2006.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

Posted by: Cathy Oct 20 06, 06:46

I would like to nominate Merlin for July COM.

Psyche's 'The Sign' in Herme's...

Nice sign, Psy.

Your rhyme scheme is known as 'enveloped' rhyme, or other names. It's common enough, and if you were to add a couplet at the end, you'd have a nice sonnet.

I believe the last line is half a beat short, and could use something inserted before the white swan... ie - my/our/your/the/ or a blue swan, which would reestablish the IP.

L3 has the word "dreamt" repeated - unless that's necessary, a substitution for the second could describe the dream. I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come: There will be 100 or more better words to describe them.

You stopped me in my curly shoes with the word "instants" - should that be "instance(s)"?

Lovely.

Merlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
Cathy's 'Unstoppable Dreams' in Herme's...

Hi Cathy,

A nice quatern – I do like those things since they don’t make the repetition appear too overbearing.

Here’s my input for what it’s worth – as usual, take or leave.

The title – cut it off after Unstoppable Dreams, the rest kills it.

V1, the second clause isn’t agreeable to me. it seems, a chance unrav’ling darkest screams. Firstly, the apostrophe isn’t needed cuz I believe the normal way of pronouncing it is without the “e” anyway. Perhaps some will say, “rav-ell-ing,” but I’d chance it. I’m also not that crazy about chances unraveling darkest screams. I’d suggest a different color for the screams, like silent, soundless, or muted. The entire phrase is cockeyed for me – would suggest rewording to something like (but not this) it seems
a ghost has/d heard my muted screams.

V2L1, I like “toward” to replace “within”, but I know that the American way is to pronounce it as 1 syllable, unlike me who breaks it in 2 – “to-ward”. We’ll accept that. L3, I’d suggest, “enlivened” to replace “enlightening”.

V3 is actually a statement, not a question. “What lives inside are woven dreams
combined of good and bad regimes.” That should be “made up of,” as “combined” needs “with”. At sometime or more often, we all get caught for using fillers and rhyme driven words. After all, we write rhyme & meter, so it’s natural. I’ll call you on “that surely deems” and suggest an alternative –
What lives inside and smolders, breams (verb meaning to singe the bottom of)
my self-esteem to low extremes
into the night, are woven dreams
made up of good and bad regimes.

V4L1, “beseems” is a verb transitive, and cannot stand by itself.

This has been a joy to read and consider. I hope my suggestions don’t spoil it for you.

Merlin

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 23 06, 05:33

I'll second that Nomination and be back with two examples...

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 7 06, 06:32

WOuld anyone else like to nominate Merlin ?

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 15 06, 19:16

I would like to nominate Merlin! third, fourth ...

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 15 06, 19:44

Here are my two crit examples for Merlin in July:

In Seren's Synapse, ohsteve's poem, "Fresh and Salty Water":

QUOTE

Hello Steve,

My strength is still the r & m sector, so my comments need to taken with that in mind.

I really like Lori's suggestion of breaking the "drips" into seperate lines, a freedom of FV over R & M. It creates an excellent visual at the same time as the audio effect.

I'm not a fan of sentence fragments, so for grammar, your sentence 2 & 3 could be incorporated into #1. That's open for debate; others will have other opinions, I'm sure. However, in your line a chipped blue and white ceramic pan., there ought to be a comma after "chipped", as it isn't the blue that's chipped - it's the ceramic pan. Therefore, I'll suggest a linebreak after chipped.

I don't know how you feel about tossing out 1 "rim" in favor of "encrusted", (The pan's rim is salt encrusted,). You begin 2 lines, fairly close to each other, with "The pan...", something to be aware of. Finally, small "m" to start the last line.

An interesting subject - I appreciate the read.

Merlin

The second (for the same tile) posted in Herme's Homilies), Psyche's poem, "The Sign":

QUOTE

Hi again, Psy,

This is the Wizard - a wee case of mistaken identity, but no harm cometh!

To your question, "What to do?" - the answer is simple - you're in charge so you do what you wish and damn the torpedos! You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself. (a quote from somewhere)

As to "instants", I caught your meaning but wasn't sure if it was just a typo or what you meant. Then again - the thought of "instant coffee" popped to mind, and other "instants". But I do like your use of it, this is poetry.

I'm curious now of the WBY poem you used to refer to. If you could post the first line, I'll find the title. There's Leda and the Swan, one of the most remarkable sonnets available; and he has Wild Swans at Coole. Remarkable stuff.

Merlin