Member Choice Award Winner
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What a graphically grim picture, Cyn. The flow of this is masterful, methinks. Maybe the dialect needs some work...
and you know how much I struggle with end stops, but I FEEL that the lines are too long ?
Wish I could help more... but I want you to know that this has the makin's o' sumpthin' spechul!
deLightin' in yer creativity, Daniel
I have revised this one as well
WOW... Cyn, this is forceful, with harsh reality as the trigger of powerful images and a wondering tone. The inner alliterative partnerships with words through out and other sound devices bring out the poetic over tone like a shined diamond. I loved the voice you've used. It invites the reader to sit down on a porch swing, with the narrator, sipping a cool glass of homemade lemonade, looking out onto fields that once were the livelihood and playground to 'those' hands I can see so clearly in my mind. I am there...sitting...listening to this man's longing for yesterday voice...wondering where did those years go, the people...the times. And how...such losses ... all gone, and yet, never bled. I loved the linking of these events in the man... As blood, being a symbol of life itself... (in my opinion) and so I linked it.
Some minor thoughts, but I must say that your revision really doesn't leave much to nit pick about. Just some Bravo's to sing "thank you for this read" ...
Hugs and Happy Holidays, Liz
Liz I have altered this per your suggestion, thanks. Good one!
Cyn
Hi Cyn,
This is a rousing poem and your raw/slang tonality sets the stage for a moving poem with stark imagery. (interesting vernacular)
The only suggestion I have is to perhaps change the last word “wonder” (redundant) or, rework the last sentence a bit.
Happy holidays.
I think you are reading the original. The line with wonder had been dropped. The revised version is at the top of the page. Thanks for reading though
Hi Cyn.
Sorry I'm so late to read and comment!
I definitely like your revised version more - the longer lines seem to make each image stand out more in my mind for some reason. The 'voice' is perfect here too and I feel the sadness of the MC, and how he relates life memories (through his hands) back to the fledgling, putting it out of its misery.
No nits here - best of luck in the polling -well deserved!
~Cleo
Thanks Cleo. I hope the main gist of this was not lost, that this man could help the bird but ot his wife. thanks for your encouragment
Cyn
Yes - there is connection to that, in the closing line (the shovel), so the meaning is clear.
~Cleo
Congrats Cyn on your Member Choice award winning tile!
Well done!
~Cleo
WOW
I did not know it had been nominated! Thanks to whoever nominated it and those who agreed! What a great surprise!
Hi Cyn.
A well deserved award!
We're trying a new approach with our Member Choice and COM (Critiquer of the month) award programs (a resurrection of sorts) and it goes something like this:
Any poems nominated for the monthly IBPC competition will be automatically nominated for our monthly Member Choice award poll. Additionally, any member can nominate tiles from the following forums: Herme's Homilies (Fixed Poetic Forms), Seren's Synapse (Poetic Free Verse), Plato's Pearls of Wisdom (Poetry Exhibition), Stonehenge (Short Prose), Pandora's Box (Monthly Challenges), and the Acropolis (Weekly Challenges) until the 5th of each month. On the 6th, the Member Choice poll will be posted.
We're trying to stick to a 'schedule of events and polls' to make it a more regular process here at . I've been posting the nomination thread around the same time we post the poll for the IBPC votes (generally the 22nd) over in the Valley of the Kings forum. Actually, the Feb Member Choice nom thread was just posted here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=9848 if you'd like to take a peek.
I digress.... as for this excellent poem, Liz was the one who nominated it for the IBPC Feb comp and I'd like to share her comments here in this thread with you and your readers.
Congratulations on your Member Choice and IBPC Nom!! And good luck with IBPC!
Cathy
Congratuations Cyn, This is a striking poem and well deserving of any applause and praise. Best Wishes, and great admiration for some very fine poetry.
Liz
Cyn,
Yes, deserving praise, to a deserving poetess and poem. Well done!!
~tim
Congratulations
Well deserved!
Snow
Congratulations.
A feather in your cap
Best of luck!
John
Wow!
This is great! Kudos to you for your fine work,
and the dialect didn't bother me one bit as the poem did unfold.
Congratulations~!~
Jan
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