Turbulent Tides Options

[hellfire]

Somehow
the distance
seems wider,
impossible almost

I should have known
that
our tide
would
run its course,
when
visions of him
lay so awkwardly strewn,
tattooed
behind your smile,
and betrayed
by your eyes,
as he
frolics
among the rapids
of yesterday

And me
hoping,
foolishly hoping
not quite
the perfect painting
that
you were searching for,
Somehow
the strokes were off
or maybe
it was just the way
the light seemed to
bounce off
the barren landscape of my heart

How do I conquer
this mirage?
when I am just
thirsty.
for love, true love
How I wish
this season would pass
I love you,
but
I see nothing, but winter
In your eyes…

[Guest_sandiegopoet_*]

I like the authentic emotion here - of a relationship that doesn't quite come together, due in part to a past relationship that haunts the "other." I sense a neediness, perhaps even an indiscriminate neediness, on the part of the narrator, as indicated in the final stanza. And I posit that there's a tension, worthy of further exploration, between the particular attraction revealed in the earlier stanzas and the somewhat non-particular hunger revealed toward the poem's end.

Fred

[hellfire]

I like the authentic emotion here - of a relationship that doesn't quite come together, due in part to a past relationship that haunts the "other." I sense a neediness, perhaps even an indiscriminate neediness, on the part of the narrator, as indicated in the final stanza. And I posit that there's a tension, worthy of further exploration, between the particular attraction revealed in the earlier stanzas and the somewhat non-particular hunger revealed toward the poem's end.

Fred

thank you fred

appreciate the feedback and support

regards

hellfire

[Eisa]

Hi James

I love this one and agree with Fred's comments.

I do think the flow could be improved with rearranging lines, I find the short lines a bit bumpy and distracting - perhaps it's just me!

A few suggestions

Somehow
the distance
seems wider,
impossible almost

I should have known
that our tide would
run its course,
when visions of him
lay so awkwardly strewn,
tattooed
behind your smile,
and betrayed
by your eyes,
as he frolics
among the rapids
of yesterday

And me ...
I'm hoping,
foolishly hoping,
not quite
the perfect painting
that you
were searching for,
Somehow
the strokes were off
or maybe
it was just the way
the light seemed to bounce
off the barren landscape
of my heart

How do I conquer this mirage?
when I am just thirsty[.]
for love ... true love
How I wish
this season would pass
I love you, but
I see nothing, but winter
In your eyes…

This is really beautiful. I hope something I have offered might help your intent - if not just ignore.

Snow

[Daniel Barlow]

there's some strong emotion that comes through this when it's put simply.

I find the thing that lets it down is that: how many metaphors are you using. This is about tides right, so how do tattoos and mirages, painting etc etc etc get in there? it's a bit of a lollie scramble and I think the poem comes across as ordinary and weekend writer-ish because of this, and when it doesn't need to. Metaphors need to be deployed rather than slapped down, and the difference there is planning, one thing imforming us of another, suggesting that it should be so.

db