Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
3 Pages V   1 2 3 >

Keith Logan
Posted on: Aug 5 14, 03:08


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Wally,

As a simple rhymer I seldom (if ever) write anything thought provoking. That does not mean I can't appreciate reading the same. Good work.

Keith,
the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135276 · Replies: 12 · Views: 4,395

Keith Logan
Posted on: Aug 5 14, 02:41


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Jerry,

I enjoyed your cowboy humour. Story telling is an art which I must admit to not being good at.

Thanks again..
Keith
the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135275 · Replies: 6 · Views: 3,587

Keith Logan
Posted on: Aug 5 14, 02:28


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Lorri,

as usual, I enjoy your writing and find it alien enough to my own style to feel inept as a critiquer. As you seem to be unhappy with line three I'll stick to that. How about dropping "she'd" and simply putting "a" before "moments?" Whatever, I like it as is.

Keith
the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135274 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,386

Keith Logan
Posted on: Aug 5 14, 01:55


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


I've read some great poetry and once or twice been moved thereby. This though, is my cup of tea. I do enjoy reading nonsense and wish I was better at writing the same.

Keith,
the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #135273 · Replies: 10 · Views: 5,362

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 28 13, 02:10


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Maureen,

You are a natural story teller (far better than simply being clever with words). I enjoyed this very much, thank you. I don't feel competent to critique prose except where there are obvious bad-day type cock-ups. Certainly none here. The narrative was well timed and I love the way you built up to the punch line.

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Short Stories & Chapters for Critique ->... · Post Preview: #133563 · Replies: 6 · Views: 10,020

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 27 13, 16:45


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hello Wally,

Thanks so much for your time and effort here. I really needed a critical eye cast over this old piece as I was too close to see things myself. I'll post an update soon, based on those useful pointers.

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133558 · Replies: 2 · Views: 3,514

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 26 13, 20:42


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


First Edit..

The cleverest of beings, she
knew well what’s best for all,
to keep herself from boredom, just
acquired a living doll.

George Knightley spoke of warning signs,
as did his brother John
but Emma understood much more
and simply carried on.

Acquaintance of her toy improved,
along with poise and grace,
had made the simple lass believe
great love was commonplace.

The mentor still improved things 'till
she split their worlds apart
and only then discovered that
she knew not, her own heart.


Original Posting..

The cleverest of beings, she
knows well what’s best for all,
to keep herself from boredom, just
procured a living doll.

George Knightley spoke of warning signs
and likewise brother John,
but Emma knew much better still
and simply carried on.

Her friend's acquaintance was improved,
she gave both poise and grace,
convinced her that the greatest love
would not be out of place.

She continued to improve things till
she split their worlds apart.
That’s when she first discovered that
she knew not, her own heart.
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133530 · Replies: 2 · Views: 3,514

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 26 13, 20:38


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Thanks Larry,

It certainly feels much more finished now. Its amazing how I can look and ponder at what's on the page and although I know its not quite right, can't see the wood for the trees. Oh yes, I edited the title, just to see if I understood your instructions. I couldn't see it before because I used "Quick Edit."

the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133529 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,799

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 25 13, 21:45


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


To paint words blue is a mistake
In doleful thoughts to ruminate
on woeful ways.
There's beauty in a world of light
where every dream is clear and bright,
for sunny days

Now if you see us down the street
where happy people come to meet
and congregate
Remember it is always true
that there's a place reserved for you
so don't be late.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133528 · Replies: 132 · Views: 127,392

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 25 13, 21:23


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


When rowing a boat on the lake
entranced by the ripples we make
reflections of sun
can cause us to run
into unseen rocks by mistake.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133526 · Replies: 3375 · Views: 262,665

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 22 13, 08:42


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


hello Leigh Ann,

'Tis a fine thing when new friends meet. I'm newly returned myself, from way back. I look forward to interaction on the boards. (I'm a simple rhymer.)

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Introduce Yourself · Post Preview: #133478 · Replies: 4 · Views: 6,569

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 22 13, 01:03


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Larry,

Thanks for dropping by again, you have given me a lot to think about. I'm especially fond of the simplicity of sibling. Talk about not seeing wood for trees.

This is beginning to look like a useful exercise. I was ready to throw away all those dire poems of my earliest writings. There were medical reasons concentration was impossible, I couldn't even read normal prose. I started writing simply as an exercise to keep my mind active.

Unfortunately, although my writing was so bad, the subject matter (Jane Austen, her novels and characters) was very dear to me. I would have been ashamed now to exhibit this one in its original form (what you saw was already reworked, losing three verses in doing so). I am now inclined to continue looking to see what might be salvaged from the old crop.

Don't worry, I'll not post them all.

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133473 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,799

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 21 13, 01:40


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Well,

I couldn't wait any longer for suggestions or pointers. so I put on my thinking cap and decided to have a go myself. The only verse to escape treatment is the deliberately simplistic last verse. I hope this is an improvement but considering where I was starting from, that should not be hard. Thanks again for the heads up Larry.

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133465 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,799

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 18 13, 20:41


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Maureen,

Thanks for your good opinion but no, I have never been tempted to return o the subject of politics - too depressing. I have several times considered writing about my father's war experiences but concluded that my knowledge of day to day conditions is inadequate to do proper justice. I do write a fair number of poems on the fairy tale aspect though, like this one...

The Sacrifice

The sword was from its scabbard drawn
and thrust into the air.
The knight was now a foolish pawn
in taking up this dare.

He stood alone against a dragon
to save a pretty maid,
without suspecting aught was wrong,
the trap was so well laid.

The village knew it would not wait,
the monster had it's price.
The maiden purely used as bait,
the knight, the sacrifice

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom · Post Preview: #133443 · Replies: 4 · Views: 9,688

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 18 13, 16:09


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Larry,

The rule with me is simple. I never take offense and am always open to suggestions or critiques, even in a challenge or continuing thread of any kind. Tell it straight, even if you think it may hurt. I promise it won't.

I hold my hand up to that thoughtless word. I was thinking Philia or Phileo. It may have been a Freudian slip because to an extent Casandra was like a mother to Jenny. On the other hand it may be more appropriate to think in terms of Storge. (There's no excuse for me, I'm part of an organization that has us begin with Agape for all, widening out to Phillia for our spiritual brothers and sisters.)

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133439 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,799

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 18 13, 15:25


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


The applying of bandages now
is something that time must allow
for when a bone breaks
or ribcage just aches,
need's must, is for one who knows how.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133438 · Replies: 3375 · Views: 262,665

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 17 13, 17:13


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Apologies: I didn't spot that critique has to be asked for with star treatment Consider this ***+
I'm afraid I can't see how to edit into the title.

second edit, 22nd October - tried o recapture original "nursery rhyme" feel, dropped inappropriate anger

Cassandra and her Jenny
could not dwell long apart,
they shared the same bedchamber
and beating of one heart.

When parted they wrote letters
where sibling love would shine.
In every sentence written,
sweet laughter flowed like wine.

Cassandra's love for Jenny
was in the end employed,
for fondness of her sister
those letters were destroyed.

No picking over missives
the author left behind.
No setting on that pathway
to search into her mind.

Cassandra loved her Jenny,
she loved her true and long,
continued still to love her
when life itself was gone.

First edit

Cassandra and her Jenny
would not dwell long apart,
shared the same bedchamber,
the beating of one heart.

When parted there were letters
where storge love could shine,
carried in each sentence,
laughter like new wine.

Cassandra's love for Jenny
was in the end employed,
for fondness of her sister
those letters were destroyed.

No vultures now can pick bones
the author left behind,
venture down that twisted path
to search into her mind.

Cassandra loved her Jenny,
loved her true and long,
continued still to love her
when life itself was gone.


Original post

Cassandra and her Jenny,
would not dwell long apart;
they shared the same bedchamber,
likewise each other's heart.

When parted they wrote letters,
where filial love could shine;
in every sentence written,
sweet laughter flowed like wine.

Cassandra loved her Jenny;
(the world would be annoyed),
for fondness of a sister,
those letters were destroyed.

No vultures now pick at bones
the author left behind;
venture down that twisted path
to search into her mind.

Cassandra loved her Jenny,
loved her true and long;
continued still to love her
when life itself was gone.
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133430 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,799

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 17 13, 16:32


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Snug under the covers I go
to a world which no one can know.
then slide down the bed
sheet over my head
as outside its twenty below.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133429 · Replies: 3375 · Views: 262,665

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 17 13, 15:49


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Is there in point of fact a muse
set to accuse or yet excuse,
an approbation?
need I concur to win life's prize
or realize what else applies
in rhyme creation.

To ponder this might one be blessed
forsaking rest to pass a test
through aggravation.
The poet's world one of romance,
the slightest chance, will make words dance
in animation.

The life existing on a page,
not to enrage but just engage
so take your station.
Now drink your fill of verse today
of forms that play and almost pray,
emancipation..
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133428 · Replies: 132 · Views: 127,392

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 17 13, 10:12


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Lori,

The above poem was the one I posted at the time.

I can't help identify the site though, I drifted in and out of at least half a dozen over a 4 or 5 year period.

I initially started writing poetry because my physical problems affected my concentration and I had to give up reading altogether. It was my way of trying to keep the brain active. There was something in the rhythm, that allowed me to even comment on other people's verses.

As to posting to non crit. forums, nay I'd rather have honest feedback.

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Monthly Challenges -> Pandora's Box · Post Preview: #133418 · Replies: 63 · Views: 61,168

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 15 13, 18:42


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Sun...
bakes earth.
Summer rain...
and plants rebirth.
Autumn smells, sweet gain ,
sky bright through morning mist,
jubilation of the dawn.
Dew abounds, flowers all are kissed.
Nears the time Jack Frost will have his fun.

It came about, bleakest winter fell,
hoary world without taste or smell.
Biting cold covers everything,
yields to a happy spring.
Hope abounds anew,
nothing to do,
only smile
the while
through.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133417 · Replies: 348 · Views: 124,179

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 15 13, 18:23


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


two combs,
adorn her brush
replete with hair, there gleaned.
removed the echo of my crush,
once cleaned.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133416 · Replies: 2685 · Views: 190,644

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 15 13, 17:59


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


A workout may seem like great fun
with push-ups or maybe a run
but when one gets home,
inclined not to roam
for damage to health has been done.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133415 · Replies: 3375 · Views: 262,665

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 15 13, 17:36


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


On a lighter note, here's an old one that will be topical again soon.
the happy chappy

Firnham Wood

The day dawned bright with autumn gold
where slits of light cut through the wold,
bright flowers stood.
A blessing rang of bird and song
as waters lapped the while along
by Firnham Wood.

At length red flame turned indigo
the moon appeared a distant glow
where blackness fell.
In shifting shades of eerie light
that pressed the silence of the night,
a lonely bell.

There in the pitch of midnight dark
reflecting on the hoary bark,
a flickered flame.
As to and fro it cast about
grotesque girations that standout,
in this timeframe.

When shadows take on shades of life
and sounds are tremblings of strife,
so we believe.
No other date within the year
can fill the darkness with such fear,
All Hallows Eve.

Now homeward bound, the churchbell rings,
caught by a draft it once more swings
in dawn's grey light.
That cast off cigarette burned slow,
the fire it lit, a furtive glow,
to all, goodnight.
  Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing · Post Preview: #133414 · Replies: 132 · Views: 127,392

Keith Logan
Posted on: Oct 14 13, 19:11


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188


Hi Maureen,

I found this quite hard on first read but that was all my problem. I'm used to reading and writing snappier poetry with shorter lines. I was well reworded for a second read and even inclined to go over it a third time. My goodness, it was better still.

What a colorful family outing you portray here. The language and grammar never fail to entertain. Oh, by the way, once I got into it I really loved the rhythm with the shorter fourth line tying the verses together, so well.

Keith, the happy chappy
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #133401 · Replies: 2 · Views: 2,655

3 Pages V   1 2 3 >

New Posts  New Replies
No New Posts  No New Replies
Hot topic  Hot Topic (New)
No new  Hot Topic (No New)
Poll  Poll (New)
No new votes  Poll (No New)
Closed  Locked Topic
Moved  Moved Topic
 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 29th March 2024 - 05:04




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: