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> Lucinda [with edit], mixed meter
heartsong7
post Sep 1 07, 19:05
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Lucinda

Her almond shaped eyes are as black as the wings
of ravens descending to mock from her throne.*
Her grey locks resemble a mop’s twisted strings--
Lucinda, eternally, Lucifer’s crone.

She portions her potions according to need
of patrons who, suffering, seek out her cures
for ills that are sapping their strength and their seed.
Demand for her services always endures--
yes, even today, when she uses e-mail
and, promising power, she nails a frail male.

*was:
of ravens that flock just to mock from her throne


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Aggiel
post Sep 2 07, 05:05
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Hi Sue,

This is exciting, apart from the story, still, the he-she tale,
the syllable count is regular, eleven through out.

Is this a made up story or based on any fairy tale?

tropicalfish.gif prescription.gif

Aggie


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Mary Boren
post Sep 2 07, 15:05
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I like it, Sue. I'm not googling up anything connecting Lucinda to Lucifer, so I take it she's a figment of your fertile imagination, but it's done with such confidence as to make me feel I must have missed something. In any case, it's a superb description -- thank you for putting a face to the current incarnation of Doctor Feelgood's Snake Oil Wagon.

Interesting metrical pattern and rhyme scheme. I like the way you've incorporated internal rhymes, consonance and assonance into the mix. The only line that doesn't quite work for me is L2: "flock just to mock" doesn't meet the high standard you've set for yourself.

It's great to see you experimenting like this.

Mary


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JustDaniel
post Sep 2 07, 19:50
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Hey, Marm!

Do I see a bit of your wit showing here... all twisted with grey hairs to make each line taut? Lucinda, your medicine-maid, would appear to be quite up-dated! She seems to be fraught with all the technology money can buy... amassed by her hood-winking many
an aroused would-be dude. I bet she has a web-site too... and maybe even a web?

Lightly, Daniel sun.gif

This post has been edited by JustDaniel: Sep 3 07, 13:34


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Merlin
post Sep 2 07, 22:38
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Greatly chuckled, Sue.

When you say "she nails a frail male", makes me wonder if that's the same Lucy who operates an apothecary upstate near Viagra Falls.

Re the Raven line, wooden it be nice to work in "pillage", as in Pillage Idiot, or "plunder" in combo. Just some musings...

Merlin


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heartsong7
post Sep 3 07, 11:07
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Hi Aggiel,
Yes, though the meter is mixed, I tried to make the mixture consistant throughout the poem.
It's not based on anything except my wierd imagination bringing a wiley witch into the 21st century.
I glad you enjoyed and thank you for saying so.
Sue

Hey Mary..
I'm very pleased that you like this little experiment with meter.
QUOTE
so I take it she's a figment of your fertile imagination,

yep, she's totally made up. Actually grew from another short poem I wrote around Halloween called "Love Witch" written as a Logarhyme

Love Witch

Oh, lover stay with me awhile.
I’m very, very versatile.
I don’t short shift.
I guarantee to make you smile
and leave you in a crumpled pile.
You get my drift?

I’ll answer to your every need
and always let you take the lead.
I’ll ring your bell.
I’ll sap your essence and your seed,
then leave your broken heart to bleed.
A lover’s hell.


QUOTE
The only line that doesn't quite work for me is L2: "flock just to mock

Is it the 'just' or the internal 'flock/mock' rhymes?
How about:
"of ravens descending to modk from her throne."
The image I want is of a bunch of ravens sitting on the back of her throne mocking her as she works.
Thank you for checking it out .
Sue

Hey Daniel...
I always look foward to your witty replies, which are near about as entertaining as your light-hearted verse.
Thank you for making me smile.
Sue



Howdy Merlin...
QUOTE
makes me wonder if that's the same Lucy who operates an apothecary upstate near Viagra Falls

Yep, that would be her.The potion is mostly water from the falls.
Her potion, concocted of lizards and gizzards,
is very effective on withering wizards.
Speechless.gif

I'll think on the raven line and the interesting path you point me down.
"of ravens whose plunder is plopped on her throne" lol

Thank you for stopping by to share a bit of your wizardly wit.
seeya,
Sue


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Mary Boren
post Sep 3 07, 13:30
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Sue,

I enjoyed "Love Witch" too. I keep forgetting to think logarhyme.

QUOTE
Is it the 'just' or the internal 'flock/mock' rhymes?
I don't know. Maybe both, together. I like your proposed alternative much better. (That is, if you spell mock correctly. :)

withering wizards ... hahahaha

Mary


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Guest_lizbaker_*
post Sep 3 07, 16:23
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OK, Sue, since you won't let me help with dinner, I'm taking my turn at checking out what's new on the site, and of course, this caught my eye right away.
I kinda like the revised raven line that you came up with using Merlin's proposed plundered

The topic is fun and well suited to the rhythm within. The meter makes me think of limericks, so maybe that's why it seems to go well with light verse.

I like the logarhyme too. I've got one. Maybe I'll post it, since I haven't come up with anything new lately.

LB
 
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Michelle
post Sep 5 07, 10:50
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Hi Sue, oh this is deliciously wicked. I enjoyed the rhythm very much. I don't know what a logarhyme is, but would love to. There was only one line that a paused on. That one is:

for ills that are sapping their strength and their seed.


Here a more frugal way of phrasing would be

for ills that sap their strength and (something from your imagination) their seed.

Otherwise I think this is absolutely wonderful and creative.

my best,

Michelle


ps - I wanted to mention that early on in my writing I wrote of a vile woman named Lucretia. I might just dig that up and give it a polishing. It was so early in my writing, there may be nothing I can make of it though.


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heartsong7
post Sep 5 07, 16:57
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Thanks for coming back to this, Mary. I'm glad you feel the alt line is better. It's all I've got so far, so will use for now. I'm tickled that you like the logarhyme too. Do try one, they're fun and addictive.
S


Lizzy...
Yes, this beat always seems to lead me into light verse. I'd love to see your logarhyme. Bring it on.
S


Hi Michelle...
I'm pleased to know you like this little piece (a Nada Sonnet)... and the logarhyme
(Love Witch) posted further down in my reply to Mary.
This one, (Lucinda) was inspired by it.

Yes, your suggestion is more frugal and is also iambic pentameter, whitch the meter in the poem is not.
for ills that are sap ping their strength and their seed.

The logarhyme is fun, easy and addictive. I hope you'll have a go at one.
Thank you for stopping by to check this out.
Sue


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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 16 07, 19:21
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Hi there Sue. wallace.gif

This is a fab poem, even moreso now that Halloween isn't far away! I hope I don't run into her, love her name btw! zombie.gif

I think your revised line works better overall and I have no nits.

This line gave me a chuckle and I have an alternate (if you call it one, moreso just me playing with you, answering):

QUOTE
or ills that are sapping their strength and their seed.

or ills that are sapping their strength, not their greed.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo eowyn.gif


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