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> Gifts of Rayne, (byr a toddaid w/alternating stanzas)
Michelle
post Dec 1 03, 21:03
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Gifts of Rayne

A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums,
the sum, as heirlooms span,
entwines each branch and stem around
tomorrow’s head; a kindred crown.

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,
for starlight shone and pierced the wailing squall-
forestalled the tempest hail.

The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates this vine;
hearts align, life translates.      
Legacies pass to those in tune
with lullabies and family spoon.

Creation’s gift is love’s refrain;
my breast expands to welcome Rayne
in rocking arms and songs of rhyme, I’ll hush
my rush to take our time.



*


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Siren
post Dec 2 03, 20:09
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Michelle,


You were always able to weave emotions and images with a flair. This is no exception...


My fav. parts of this....

A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums,never ever thought of nature twisted into a braid till now and the image is amazing!

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,

Original! I love "ovations" here.....

I also love the ending... Good things are those that are waited upon... it's no good to be rushed when there's beauty in recieving such richness...


Wonderful to read you again...


Daniah


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Michelle
post Dec 2 03, 22:08
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Thank you Daniah,

for your kindness to respond to my poem.

This is about the birth of my granddaughter, Rayne.
She was born on Nov. 15.  I was in the delivery
room and the first to hold her.  She is very special
to me.

Thank you for your kind words.


Michelle


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Siren
post Dec 3 03, 02:38
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Dear Michelle,


Congratulations on the new addition to your expanidng family... :) May she grow up in your eye (an arabic expression, meaning you'll watch her grow and share her life)

Rayne is such a beautiful name...


My cousin is pregnant now and she'll giev birth in April. Last night she asked me to be with her in the delivery room... Her husband is too weak hearted to be there and I accepted... I'm excited and can't wait.

I have always enjoyed your writings way back when... I recall one poem ( I forgot the title) it was about you sitting in your living room before a fire, I never forgot the feel it gave me...


Lovely write and lovely name..


Daniah


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Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones."

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Guest__*
post Dec 3 03, 04:05
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Dear Michelle

This is indeed a lovely tribute, to the life process in general, and of course, to your own family, and Rayne, in particular !

I have some TINY suggestion, for you to consider and nurture, or dispose of with baby't baggage !

A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums,
the sum, as heirlooms span,
entwines each branch and stem around
tomorrow’s head; a kindred crown.

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,
for starlight shone and pierced the wailing squall -  -- starlight shone, pierced the wailing squall - slightly shorter without changing the menaing ?
forestalled the tempest hail.

The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates the vine; -- This ?
hearts align, life translates.      
Legacies pass to those attuned, -- to those in tune - perfect rhyme ?
in lullabies and family spoon. -- lovely line - could be "in lullabies, oh, and family spoon." to really bring out the humour here ?

Creation’s gift in love’s refrains; -- is love's refrain - for perfect rhyme ?
my breast expands to welcome Rayne
in rocking arms and songs of rhyme, I’ll hush
my rush to take our time. -- my rush, and take our time. ?

Any help ?

Love
Alan
 
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Guest__*
post Dec 3 03, 18:05
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Wonderfully written Michelle. You remembered the form then adapted it to create this tribute to your little grandaughter.
I'm glad you maintained the discipline. The fact that you alternated the stanzas is excellent experimentation.

(I wonder how many will notice the biology lesson  laugh.gif )

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,

Hugz

Tom


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Michelle
post Dec 3 03, 23:53
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QUOTE(Siren @ Dec. 03 2003, 01:38)
Dear Michelle,

Hi Daniah,


Congratulations on the new addition to your expanidng family... :) May she grow up in your eye (an arabic expression, meaning you'll watch her grow and share her life)

Rayne is such a beautiful name...

Thank you very much Daniah.


My cousin is pregnant now and she'll giev birth in April. Last night she asked me to be with her in the delivery room... Her husband is too weak hearted to be there and I accepted... I'm excited and can't wait.

I'm sure you'll be a great comfort to her.

I have always enjoyed your writings way back when... I recall one poem ( I forgot the title) it was about you sitting in your living room before a fire, I never forgot the feel it gave me...
I dug that one up and it is atrocious in my eyes.  lol  I may post it in the less critical forum - and work on it.

Lovely write and lovely name..

Thank you again.  You are very kind.

Daniah



It is a pleasure to hear your thoughts.


Michelle


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Michelle
post Dec 4 03, 00:22
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Dear Michelle
Hi Alan.

This is indeed a lovely tribute, to the life process in general, and of course, to your own family, and Rayne, in particular !

Thank you so much - this one is a tad sentimental to me. lol

I have some TINY suggestion, for you to consider and nurture, or dispose of with baby't baggage !
I appreciate your suggestion - I always find them valuable -
thank you for your effort in advance.


A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums,
the sum, as heirlooms span,
entwines each branch and stem around
tomorrow’s head; a kindred crown.

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,
for starlight shone and pierced the wailing squall -  -- starlight shone, pierced the wailing squall - slightly shorter without changing the menaing ?

I need ten syllables here.

forestalled the tempest hail.

The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates the vine; -- This ?
 Ya that sounds good!
hearts align, life translates.      
Legacies pass to those attuned, -- to those in tune - perfect rhyme ?
I'll take a perfect rhyme anytime!
in lullabies and family spoon. -- lovely line - could be "in lullabies, oh, and family spoon." to really bring out the humour here ?  lol  I don't think she'll get the joke.  lol

Creation’s gift in love’s refrains; -- is love's refrain - for perfect rhyme ?Yes, yes -  thank you again!
my breast expands to welcome Rayne
in rocking arms and songs of rhyme, I’ll hush
my rush to take our time. -- my rush, and take our time. ?
  Here I like the double meaning with 'to'  - so I'll keep it.
Any help ?

Yes Alan, you are always a great help.
I very much appreciate your efforts.  
I am excited when I see that you have
offered help with one of my poems.
Thank Alan, very much.


Love
Alan


Of course   lol[/color]


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Michelle
post Dec 4 03, 00:58
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Wonderfully written Michelle. You remembered the form then adapted it to create this tribute to your little grandaughter.
I'm glad you maintained the discipline. The fact that you alternated the stanzas is excellent experimentation.

Thank you Tom.
You must be a good teacher!  

I appreciate your kind words - they hearten me.
I truly do love forms.


(I wonder how many will notice the biology lesson   )

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,

Tee-hee   I'm sure they'll see it now!  lol

Hugz  

Tom


Hugz Back

Michelle


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Arnfinn
post Dec 4 03, 01:54
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Real Name: John
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How are ya Michelle.

This poem was a bit slow taking off... I took a look and thought it was pretty good.But, as I'm not much good with the finer points. I thought I would come back later...

Now that I understand... the real meaning...I think it's wonderful.

The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates this vine;
hearts align, life translates.      
Legacies pass to those in tune
with lullabies and family spoon. grinning.gif cloud9.gif


Regards


Arnfinn troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Michelle
post Dec 4 03, 02:15
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Hey Arnie,

It's great to see you!  

I appreciate that you came back to comment.
I am also reluctant to comment of some poems -
yet, I usually do anyway - at the risking of looking
stupid   lol   ohh well, nothing ventured nothing
gained.  lol

I appreciate your thoughts anytime, Arnie.
Please feel free to give me your honest
impressions - they are valuable to me.

Yes the vine is the umbilical cord and
the bloodline or heredity or family tree.

I am so glad that you came back Arnie.

Thank you.


Michelle


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Guest__*
post Dec 4 03, 02:34
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Dear Michelle,

Oh my goodness - just wait till I crit you a real boo - boo ! But thank you for the appreciation.

Asa it happens, putting up crits is a "duty" (3 : 1 : 2 etc), but for me it is a real pleasure in its own write !

In mid-November, Spring performed
ovations in an Autumn storm,

yeah yeah I got it, even counted back, almost queried if FEBRUARY could count as spring, but decided to allow a little poetic licence ! If OVATIONS were an acrostic, Daniel would insert a U and an L in 2 bracketed lines !

Love
Alan
 
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Michelle
post Dec 4 03, 02:46
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From: Northwest Coast
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Dear Alan,

lol you are too funny.

My daughter was due in mid-December.
The little darlin was a month early - just
under 6 lbs.  But strong - like her grandma.  lol


Michelle


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Guest__*
post Dec 4 03, 03:03
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Dear Michelle,

Actually the ovations line is a classic !

From the baby's point of view, why weight ?

Love
Alan
 
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