|
|
|
Gifts of Rayne, (byr a toddaid w/alternating stanzas) |
|
|
|
Dec 1 03, 21:03
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
*
Gifts of Rayne
A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums, the sum, as heirlooms span, entwines each branch and stem around tomorrow’s head; a kindred crown.
In mid-November, Spring performed ovations in an Autumn storm, for starlight shone and pierced the wailing squall- forestalled the tempest hail.
The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates this vine; hearts align, life translates. Legacies pass to those in tune with lullabies and family spoon.
Creation’s gift is love’s refrain; my breast expands to welcome Rayne in rocking arms and songs of rhyme, I’ll hush my rush to take our time.
*
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 2 03, 20:09
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
|
Michelle,
You were always able to weave emotions and images with a flair. This is no exception...
My fav. parts of this....
A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums,never ever thought of nature twisted into a braid till now and the image is amazing!
In mid-November, Spring performed ovations in an Autumn storm,
Original! I love "ovations" here.....
I also love the ending... Good things are those that are waited upon... it's no good to be rushed when there's beauty in recieving such richness...
Wonderful to read you again...
Daniah
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 2 03, 22:08
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
Thank you Daniah,
for your kindness to respond to my poem.
This is about the birth of my granddaughter, Rayne. She was born on Nov. 15. I was in the delivery room and the first to hold her. She is very special to me.
Thank you for your kind words.
Michelle
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 3 03, 02:38
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
|
Dear Michelle,
Congratulations on the new addition to your expanidng family... :) May she grow up in your eye (an arabic expression, meaning you'll watch her grow and share her life)
Rayne is such a beautiful name...
My cousin is pregnant now and she'll giev birth in April. Last night she asked me to be with her in the delivery room... Her husband is too weak hearted to be there and I accepted... I'm excited and can't wait.
I have always enjoyed your writings way back when... I recall one poem ( I forgot the title) it was about you sitting in your living room before a fire, I never forgot the feel it gave me...
Lovely write and lovely name..
Daniah
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest__*
|
Dec 3 03, 04:05
|
Guest
|
Dear Michelle
This is indeed a lovely tribute, to the life process in general, and of course, to your own family, and Rayne, in particular !
I have some TINY suggestion, for you to consider and nurture, or dispose of with baby't baggage !
A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums, the sum, as heirlooms span, entwines each branch and stem around tomorrow’s head; a kindred crown.
In mid-November, Spring performed ovations in an Autumn storm, for starlight shone and pierced the wailing squall - -- starlight shone, pierced the wailing squall - slightly shorter without changing the menaing ? forestalled the tempest hail.
The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates the vine; -- This ? hearts align, life translates. Legacies pass to those attuned, -- to those in tune - perfect rhyme ? in lullabies and family spoon. -- lovely line - could be "in lullabies, oh, and family spoon." to really bring out the humour here ?
Creation’s gift in love’s refrains; -- is love's refrain - for perfect rhyme ? my breast expands to welcome Rayne in rocking arms and songs of rhyme, I’ll hush my rush to take our time. -- my rush, and take our time. ?
Any help ?
Love Alan
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 3 03, 23:53
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
QUOTE(Siren @ Dec. 03 2003, 01:38) Dear Michelle,
Hi Daniah,
Congratulations on the new addition to your expanidng family... :) May she grow up in your eye (an arabic expression, meaning you'll watch her grow and share her life)
Rayne is such a beautiful name...
Thank you very much Daniah.
My cousin is pregnant now and she'll giev birth in April. Last night she asked me to be with her in the delivery room... Her husband is too weak hearted to be there and I accepted... I'm excited and can't wait.
I'm sure you'll be a great comfort to her.
I have always enjoyed your writings way back when... I recall one poem ( I forgot the title) it was about you sitting in your living room before a fire, I never forgot the feel it gave me... I dug that one up and it is atrocious in my eyes. lol I may post it in the less critical forum - and work on it.
Lovely write and lovely name..
Thank you again. You are very kind.
Daniah
It is a pleasure to hear your thoughts.
Michelle
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 4 03, 00:22
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
Dear Michelle Hi Alan.
This is indeed a lovely tribute, to the life process in general, and of course, to your own family, and Rayne, in particular !
Thank you so much - this one is a tad sentimental to me. lol
I have some TINY suggestion, for you to consider and nurture, or dispose of with baby't baggage ! I appreciate your suggestion - I always find them valuable - thank you for your effort in advance.
A braid of vibrant red chrysanthemums, the sum, as heirlooms span, entwines each branch and stem around tomorrow’s head; a kindred crown.
In mid-November, Spring performed ovations in an Autumn storm, for starlight shone and pierced the wailing squall - -- starlight shone, pierced the wailing squall - slightly shorter without changing the menaing ? I need ten syllables here.
forestalled the tempest hail.
The Baby’s Breath rejuvenates the vine; -- This ? Ya that sounds good! hearts align, life translates. Legacies pass to those attuned, -- to those in tune - perfect rhyme ? I'll take a perfect rhyme anytime! in lullabies and family spoon. -- lovely line - could be "in lullabies, oh, and family spoon." to really bring out the humour here ? lol I don't think she'll get the joke. lol
Creation’s gift in love’s refrains; -- is love's refrain - for perfect rhyme ?Yes, yes - thank you again! my breast expands to welcome Rayne in rocking arms and songs of rhyme, I’ll hush my rush to take our time. -- my rush, and take our time. ? Here I like the double meaning with 'to' - so I'll keep it. Any help ?
Yes Alan, you are always a great help. I very much appreciate your efforts. I am excited when I see that you have offered help with one of my poems. Thank Alan, very much.
Love Alan
Of course lol[/color]
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 4 03, 00:58
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
Wonderfully written Michelle. You remembered the form then adapted it to create this tribute to your little grandaughter. I'm glad you maintained the discipline. The fact that you alternated the stanzas is excellent experimentation.
Thank you Tom. You must be a good teacher!
I appreciate your kind words - they hearten me. I truly do love forms.
(I wonder how many will notice the biology lesson )
In mid-November, Spring performed ovations in an Autumn storm,
Tee-hee I'm sure they'll see it now! lol
Hugz
Tom
Hugz Back
Michelle
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 4 03, 02:15
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hey Arnie,
It's great to see you!
I appreciate that you came back to comment. I am also reluctant to comment of some poems - yet, I usually do anyway - at the risking of looking stupid lol ohh well, nothing ventured nothing gained. lol
I appreciate your thoughts anytime, Arnie. Please feel free to give me your honest impressions - they are valuable to me.
Yes the vine is the umbilical cord and the bloodline or heredity or family tree.
I am so glad that you came back Arnie.
Thank you.
Michelle
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest__*
|
Dec 4 03, 02:34
|
Guest
|
Dear Michelle,
Oh my goodness - just wait till I crit you a real boo - boo ! But thank you for the appreciation.
Asa it happens, putting up crits is a "duty" (3 : 1 : 2 etc), but for me it is a real pleasure in its own write !
In mid-November, Spring performed ovations in an Autumn storm,
yeah yeah I got it, even counted back, almost queried if FEBRUARY could count as spring, but decided to allow a little poetic licence ! If OVATIONS were an acrostic, Daniel would insert a U and an L in 2 bracketed lines !
Love Alan
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 4 03, 02:46
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
|
Dear Alan,
lol you are too funny.
My daughter was due in mid-December. The little darlin was a month early - just under 6 lbs. But strong - like her grandma. lol
Michelle
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest__*
|
Dec 4 03, 03:03
|
Guest
|
Dear Michelle,
Actually the ovations line is a classic !
From the baby's point of view, why weight ?
Love Alan
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|