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Posted on: Aug 5 09, 11:57 |
Assyrian
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 174
Joined: 27-May 07
From: Indiana, USA
Member No.: 439
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I like it. Simple. True. Just a couple suggestions... I would leave out "sometimes". You really don't need it and it loses power (I think). Also, the ending is somewhat redundant, since you suggest "before now" with the "should have". Perhaps an ending of... I should have. Just my two cents. Enjoyed. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #116950
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Posted on: Aug 3 09, 16:25 |
Assyrian
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 174
Joined: 27-May 07
From: Indiana, USA
Member No.: 439
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John, Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. I appreciate your time. Dee |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #116893
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Posted on: Jul 25 09, 07:44 |
Assyrian
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 174
Joined: 27-May 07
From: Indiana, USA
Member No.: 439
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Nice read. Sounds like a story I would be very interested in reading... were it a longer story and not a poem. *wink* I'm not sure it captures the title completely, however, I will comment on the poem as written.
The Initiation of the King
Unseen wolves were howling from the hills beyond the tower, the trees howled too, each branch in the wind a voice calling to me. Much they had to teach. <--I'd lose the last line of this stanza. It distracts.
I threw off my robes and heavy boots to run naked through the moon bright snow. Like "moon bright snow" Leaping and howling through tall pines, nostrils iced with blown snow, <--This sounds like a reference to cocaine. Intentional? Also, it is a repeat of snow in a previous line same stanza.
I was a wolf, ghost gray with demonic eyes and frantic jaw, snarling with lips curled back. I like "frantic jaw". Could you get more creative with "lips curled back?" Seems a little weak after the "frantic jaw" to me. Blood was frozen to my beard and chest when at dawn I returned to the tower.
My eyes were the eyes of one who had been ravening wild in darkness and had seen the beauty in it: now I am ready to rule. Nice finish.
I somehow find myself wanting this to be a movie. lol When are you writing the screenplay?? |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #116626
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Posted on: Sep 28 08, 17:31 |
Assyrian
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 174
Joined: 27-May 07
From: Indiana, USA
Member No.: 439
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First, let me say I usually don't even take the time to read long pieces because I usually find myself bored to tears before I'm even close to the end. However, I read yours through and enjoyed it very much. It is interesting and fun and completely pulls me in. It also make me want to share it... to nudge my neighbor and say, "Hey, read this!" I just have a few nits and comments which I put in bold inside the quote below. Perhaps some of what I say will be useful to you. QUOTE (Thoth @ Aug 20 08, 09:32 ) [snapback]109992[/snapback] For over forty years, I have wanted to tell this story but have lacked both the courage and skill. Youth is strange, I only realized years later (to my horror) that my old iSangoma guide and friend, had actually been blind all along. I would love for you to elaborate about what a iSangoma guide is. Maybe you already have somewhere. If so, just direct me to the thread and I'll read about it there.
I hope you enjoy it. W Shrine of the Red Hornet Queen It was your title that initially attracted my attention.
In the dappled half shade of a Bhumbula tree at the foot of a great granite hill, lived a Wizard in rags who enchanted me with his voice that was cracked and shrill.
Eyes agleam in the dusk as spirits grew bold scurried soft while the smoke swirled round; from his dry withered lips spilled stories of old and the tales of lost battle ground.
In the camp fire glow on the sand he would kneel with a body all broken and frail, till a throw of the bones in the dust would reveal to the crone what the ancients bewail. [left] "If you cross the five hills going east from the graves to the land maLindzimu ignored; follow me to the south where the bones of slaves You use "bones" twice closely. fed the flames when the smelt furnace roared. [/left]
[left] Where the great bellows huffed amid smoke sweat and blast till the eye of the forge shimmered green, LOVE this imagery!! where the spear heads birthed and the bronze shackles cast for the guard of the Red Hornet Queen.
Sweep your eyes to the ridge as you search for a slit; for a cleft in that grey granite wall; through a thorn chaparral where the rock has split, cross a bridge with its stern sentry tall.
Do you see where these boulders were rolled to the side; hide a path to the nest of the Queen? Now we edge past the ledge where the wasp-men would hide; I'd leave out the "we" here. it is clear their defense was supreme." [/left]
Strange clouds swirled grey in the old man's eye as the visions welled up from the past, and a thousand summers or more flashed by when the bones once again were cast. [left] "Over here are the pits where the slaves were restrained, it was done so that none may oppose that Cannibal Queen who was thus entertained, and imbibed of the blood of her foes.
From the caravans rich there was loot for the bold on the road to King Solomon's mine, they would raid for the ivory, slaves and the gold for their Queen and the Red Hornet Shrine.
As a pack on the scent chased troops of the King while the Wasps would look down from on high. The assault would begin and the war-cries ring 'till the death-stones rained from the sky.
Each attack was repulsed and Solomon's men would retire to the mines for a rest. The lieutenant chastised and threatened again should he fail to annihilate the nest.
Well the Hornets grew rich, with their arrogant Queen every year in their fortress of stone, and the crew of the mines and the tribes grew lean for the wrath of their King to atone" [/left]
[left] iSangoma of old, with a mystical smile stroked softly the gray granite wall, the Ancestral spirits to coax and beguile then he rose with his staff proud and tall. [/left] [left] "I can see, that at last 'twas a weakness revealed in a cipher received by the Chief. Betrayal for the price of a curse was concealed by a plan that was bold and brief.
Like a beast of the night, came Solomon's curse, past the guards as a humming of bees. LOVE this line, especially on the heels of the title. Sheer face of the rock but an easy traverse, as it entered the sanctum with ease. You have "easy" and then "ease". Perhaps a synomym for one of them?
No-one said what befell, not a soul would re-tell what became of the Red Hornet clan, It was rumored by some they eventually fell the result of this treasonous plan.
They were all disemboweled, every man, woman, child and their cruel Queen impaled on a spear, just a Forge-Master's boy escaped to the wild where he lived out a lifetime in fear.
If you scratch at your feet among shards in the dust I'd leave out the "at". you may find a small clue or a sign but the Ghosts of this tomb keep a secret in trust; it's the gold in a Grey Granite Shrine" Love this line. [/left]
Then the trees bowed down to a roaring breath You've used roaring before... perhaps a synonym? while the Sun turned away in his shame, for my blind Wizard's eyes stared white in his death and I fled like a buck from the flame.
The ancestral blood runs no-more in his veins. yet his story's still told at the feasts, it is oft' whispered down from the hills to the plains; finds a voice in the howling of beasts. _ The graves of Cecil John Rhodes (maLindzimu) and other founders of Rhodesia lie on a famous sacred hill in the Matopos. The area is steeped in legend and African Myth, and many things still remain unexplained. As a child I grew up here and spent a great deal of time exploring the granite wilderness. Again, I really enjoyed this piece. You are fortunate to have such a lovely experience to look back upon. I look forward to reading more of your work. Dee |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #110821
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Posted on: Jan 29 08, 13:41 |
Assyrian
Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 174
Joined: 27-May 07
From: Indiana, USA
Member No.: 439
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Hey there! I really like the concept of this poem. I do have a few nits... see below.
She wears the pockets of her days, once empty and new, now full and ragged. <-- for some reason, I think this would flow better as " full and ragged now Years of treasures stuff her sagging coat, as blue as her childish eyes. Just leave off the line about the eyes... you don't really need it. If you decide to keep it, reword, because as it is now, it sounds like the treasures are blue like her eyes. Every possession sheltered there, to be touched by her loving hands, no one else`s baubles but her own I think this last part (last 6 lines) could be simplified and still carry the same message... Every possession sheltered there lovingly, her own precious baubles
Just my two cents. Take or leave as you wish. :) |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #106131
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