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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Nature’s Gifts [revised 05 Aug]

Posted by: Mistral Jul 29 07, 12:00

1st Revision

Listen closely, you may hear
the murmuring of trees;
it’s in the creaking of their boughs
disturbed by gentle sighing breeze.

Look more closely, you may see
in woodland labyrinths;
a fluttering of butterfly wings
amid wild clustered hyacinths.

Breathe in deeply, you may smell
sweet nature’s fragrant blend;
fermenting plants, new growth infused,
a fresh, yet pungent earthy scent.

Close your eyes and you may feel
sublime tranquility;
accepting Nature’s wondrous gifts...
in turn we breathe humility.

__________________________________

Original

Listen closely, you may hear
the murmuring of trees;
it’s in the whispering of their boughs
disturbed by gently sighing breeze

Look more closely, you may see
in woodland labyrinths;
a fluttering of butterfly wings
amid wild clustered hyacinths

Breathe in deeply, you may smell
sweet nature’s fragrant blend;
fermenting plants, new growth alike,
infused, a pungent earthy scent

Close your eyes now, you may feel
sublime tranquility;
accepting Nature’s wondrous gifts,
in turn we bow with humility

Posted by: Thoth Jul 30 07, 06:18

H Mistral
You are a busy girl these days! I loved the intense woodland imagery (Oh roll on summer) and the earthy nature of the poem.
There are a small few nits with the metre, S1L3 the iambic rhthm fails.

QUOTE (Mistral @ Jul 29 07, 15:00 ) [snapback]100364[/snapback]

Listen closely, you may hear
the murmuring of trees;
it's in the whispering of their boughs Try "the creaking of their ancient bows"
disturbed by gently sighing breeze

The very last line has an extra syllable.
That is my R10s worth for today, so go well!

Hugs, Wally

Posted by: Cathy Jul 31 07, 07:47

Hi Mistral,

I love the nature theme you've chosen and the feeling of peace it brings. Also the feeling of greatness and the realization that it's bigger than we are.

A few thoughts for you to ponder... use or lose as you see fit~

Cathy

Listen closely, you may hear
the murmuring of trees;
it’s in the {whispering}[creaking] of their boughs
disturbed by gentl[e]{y sighing} breeze[.]

IMO 'creaking' better describes the sound of the branches as they sway in the wind. And without keeping to any certain syllable count or meter I personally think the last line sounds better when shortened.

Look more closely, you may see
in woodland labyrinths;
a fluttering of butterfly wings
amid wild {clustered} hyacinths[.]

Breathe in deeply, you may smell
sweet nature’s fragrant blend;
fermenting plants, new growth alike,
infused, a pungent earthy scent[.]

Maybe omit 'alike' and put 'infused' in its place.

fermenting plants, new growth infused...
a pungent earthy scent.

Close your eyes {now,}[and] you may feel
sublime tranquility;
accepting Nature’s wondrous gifts[...]{,}
in turn we bow with humility[.]

I think line 1 would flow better with 'and'. Could just be me! LOL Maybe 'we learn humility' or some such? Or 'we know humility'. Just some alternative thoughts. *smiles*

Cathy

Posted by: Mistral Aug 1 07, 04:00

Thank you, Wally and Cathy!
I'll give it all consideration and get back soon with some changes.

Hugs,
M

Posted by: Mistral Aug 3 07, 07:54

Dear Wally,

Thank you, as you see, Cathy had the same problem, so I'm adjusting as I like the suggestion.

Dear Cathy,
Thank you SOOO much, I love your suggestions and have adopted them, with some changes. I hope it's better now? I used "breathe" in the last line instead of "know" or "learn", as to me it means "we live" it. Makes sense?

So glad it's Friday.....now I can relax after a nightmare week. Well, most of the week anyway.

Hugs both,
M

Posted by: Thoth Aug 6 07, 02:14

Yes it is better now, Mistral.

Sorry, Dearest, I just picked up a couple more minor things, there still seems a small problem with;
"a flutt/ering /of butter/fly wings"
"of butter" is am amphibrach. There is an extra syllable here

Blend and scent don't rhyme.

Love and Hugs,

Wally

Posted by: Aggiel Aug 12 07, 18:53

Hi Mistral,

QUOTE

Listen closely, you may hear
the murmuring of trees;
it’s in the creaking of their boughs
disturbed by gentle sighing breeze.

Look more closely, you may see
in woodland labyrinths;
a fluttering of butterfly wings
amid wild clustered hyacinths.

Breathe in deeply, you may smell
sweet nature’s fragrant blend;
fermenting plants, new growth infused,
a fresh, yet pungent earthy scent.

Close your eyes and you may feel
sublime tranquility;
accepting Nature’s wondrous gifts...
in turn we breathe humility.

This is just lovely, a nature poem, my favorite.I can feel the sublime
tranquility, see butterflies fluttering and hear the murmuring of trees.

Aggie

Posted by: Mistral Aug 12 07, 21:39

Dear Aggie,

Thank you very much for the lovely comment, glad you enjoyed.

Hugs,
M