This Place I Learned to Hide ***, Villanelle Options

[JustDaniel]

This is a revision of a villanelle I wrote over a decade ago and posted in Karnak in the Villanelle thread. I'm not sure that I ever posted it here, but it is an expansion of the original by converting it from iambic tetrameter to iambic pentameter to help clarify my intention in this piece. I'd be open to any suggestions for further revision.


This Place I Learned to Hide

this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

forgotten shame? a fear? I can’t decide
Oh, God! this numbing fog seems here to stay…
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside

no one in whom I freely can confide
who’ll help me look into this murky gray
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

a glimpse, a curtain sudden pulled aside
a fleeing specter melts. How can I stay
this dread? …this puzzling emptiness inside?

a hundred lonely nights, alone I’ve cried
please show me; somehow put it on display
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

I know some day You’ll in Your time provide
more Light… somehow You’ll graciously allay
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside…
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

© MLee Dickens'son

[Luce]

I love villanelles and this one is a beauty. The form lends itself to reflection easily. A few things though that you may want to consider with this one to further enhance the theme:

This Place I Learned to Hide

this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

I’m with Merlin on the punctuation. I’d rather see proper punctuation because the lack of it doesn’t do the poem any big favors and may give the pauses the reader may need.

Therefore, the stanza would be….

“This dread. This puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away.
Somewhere within this place I learned to hide.

forgotten shame? a fear? I can’t decide
Oh, God! this numbing fog seems here to stay…
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside

Maybe “choking” fog. I’d make the fog more deadly.

no one in whom I freely can confide
who’ll help me look into this murky gray
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

Saying “no one in whom I freely can confide” reads rather forced.
Maybe.... “No one is here to rave, confess, confide".

a glimpse, a curtain sudden pulled aside
a fleeing specter melts. How can I stay
this dread? …this puzzling emptiness inside?

Saying “a curtain sudden” sounds rather forced.
Maybe... “a glimpse, a curtain grasped and pulled aside”.

a hundred lonely nights, alone I’ve cried
please show me; somehow put it on display
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

Maybe another word to describe the night besides lonely since you’re saying you’re alone in the line? Maybe try “empty”. Also, how about "tried" as oppose to "cried". "Tried fits a little better with the next line..."please show me..."

I know some day You’ll in Your time provide
more Light… somehow You’ll graciously allay
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside…
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide

I don’t know if I like You’ll/Your/Light capitalized or if it needs to be. I’m assuming you’re referring to God but still…