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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Aug 22 16, 15:07
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy  |
Cobwebs often grow
if you dont care enough, unobtrusively watch your kingdom dimmer, playgrounds of dust cover your windowsills- friends uninvited will turn; see them flee like dandelions. Age will naively take you alone voiding hope. Across the cracked mirror that stalled your smile many aeons ago 2nd Version Cobwebs often grow if you dont care enough. Unobtrusively watch your kingdom dimmer, playgrounds of dust cover your windowsills- friends uninvited will turn; see them flee like dandelions. Age will naively make feel you alone voiding hope. As the mirror forever grows mildew obliterating your smile that was feigned all those aeons ago ·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Aug 28 16, 18:32
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Antony,
Everybody seems to have taken a holiday, maybe it's the summer heat in the N.H. BTW, I'm not sure whether you want to have two versions, or if one is a rev. of the other. It's a bit confusing as you've put 2nd. version in the middle. All the same, I wish to say that I love the lines I've quoted below. As the mirror forever grows mildew obliterating your smile that was feigned all those aeons ago Wow... Powerful thoughts in there. Nice! But I'll await your answer, and hopefully somebody else's crits, before continuing. Syl 
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
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Aug 29 16, 05:46
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#3
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Second one was the revision or an alternative
Couldn't put the revision first as no comments Thanks for your comments. ······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Aug 30 16, 17:28
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#4
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi again, Antony!
friends uninvited will turn; I think it would sound better to say: uninvited friends will turn; <<<<<<All the same, something seems to be missing after turn. Turn where? Why? In what direction? Just sayin'...  As I said before, the ending of the first version is very good, but then so is the second one. It's good to keep two versions in your files...you can tweak them whenever you please... or not. Bring 'em on, Syl
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 31 16, 10:07
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#5
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thank you. I merge the two poems at some stage. Thanks for the suggestion re uninvited friends.
fleeing the unkempt pathway? ······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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