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> Two Senryu**, Revision**
Psyche
post Aug 14 16, 00:40
Post #1


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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
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Referred By:David Ting



REVISIONS


Thank you, Daniel! Haven't changed senryu 1. Sorry, but still willing to receive suggestions. Senryu 1's first two lines consist of a situation, whereas L3 is the observation. It also shows the season, which is Spring, due to the bees pollinating buds.

1.


scents waft through bamboo
tea-house with cool breezy porch -
bees pollinate buds.

2

black coffee soils cloth
while mauve mouths gobble croissants -
blind tramp passes cap





FIRST VERSIONS


1


scents waft through bamboo
tea-house with cool breezy porch -
bees pollinate buds.

2

black coffee soils cloth
mauve mouths gobble Danish buns -
Blind tramp passes cap


by Psyche


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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Aug 14 16, 12:09
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Wow! It's lovely to see you bring your attention to the short form poetry! Love it.

I think normally haiku and senryu make TWO observations of the same phenomenon, while you seem to be making three statements. Usually one allusion is made in two lines and is accompanied by another in one line - either the first or the last of the trio. Otherwise, I think you've done exceptionally well with your observations.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to make a suggestion (perhaps one of many) that might turn your words into two sensed images:

QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 14 16, 01:40 ) *
1
scents waft through bamboo
tea-house with cool breezy porch -
bees pollinate buds.


scents waft through bamboo
from tea-house's breeze-cooled porch;
bees pollinate buds

2

black coffee soils cloth
mauve mouths gobble Danish buns -
Blind tramp passes cap


black coffee soils cloth
while mauve mouths gobble Danish; ............though I'm not sure of the word "mauve"
blind tramp holds out hat

by Psyche

Again, these are not SOLUTIONS but suggestions to offer the concept to two separate observations rather than three.

deLighting in the interaction, Daniel sun.gif


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Psyche
post Aug 19 16, 16:24
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Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Aug 14 16, 14:09 ) *
Wow! It's lovely to see you bring your attention to the short form poetry! Love it.

I think normally haiku and senryu make TWO observations of the same phenomenon, while you seem to be making three statements. Usually one allusion is made in two lines and is accompanied by another in one line - either the first or the last of the trio. Otherwise, I think you've done exceptionally well with your observations.


Hi Daniel, sun.gif
Sorry about taking so long to respond to your helpful suggestions. We're snowed under here in Bariloche! But the main reason is that I've finally got a new computer with Windows 10, all of which takes time to get used to. My old one crashed totally!

I think normally haiku and senryu make TWO observations of the same phenomenon, while you seem to be making three statements. Usually one allusion is made in two lines and is accompanied by another in one line - either the first or the last of the trio.

I quite agree, that's how it goes. I thought I was making two observations of the same situation, with the allusion in the third line. There are so many opinions about the English forms, some don't even use the 5-7-5 rule. I prefer to stick to that form, so that's OK.
Whereas lots of haiku/senryu poets don't use conjunctions to flow those two lines together. Something to do with the Japanese language, which originally wrote these "forms" in only one line! It was a type of correspondence carried out between friends.

Never mind, I'll mull over your suggestions, which are always very welcome. It's the "while" and "from" that I'm going to think about. Maybe read up some more.
"Mauve" is a lipstick color favored by some over-painted women, especially rich elderly ones... LOL. It's about people who live in comfort, in contrast to the ignored tramp.

Hope I revise these senryu sooner than my sonnet. Larry is so helpful, but I must have been dropped on my head as a child, concerning meter.

Thanks so much,
Syl butterfly.gif



I'm going to ATTEMPT to make a suggestion (perhaps one of many) that might turn your words into two sensed images:

QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 14 16, 01:40 ) *
1
scents waft through bamboo
tea-house with cool breezy porch -
bees pollinate buds.


scents waft through bamboo
from tea-house's breeze-cooled porch;
bees pollinate buds

2

black coffee soils cloth
mauve mouths gobble Danish buns -
Blind tramp passes cap


black coffee soils cloth
while mauve mouths gobble Danish; ............though I'm not sure of the word "mauve"
blind tramp holds out hat

by Psyche butterfly.gif



Again, these are not SOLUTIONS but suggestions to offer the concept to two separate observations rather than three.

deLighting in the interaction, Daniel sun.gif



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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