Wilderness and Trees., Ekphrasis Options

[Merlin]

A year ago a picture was posted here at MM (challenge) of rejuvenating trees on a brown forest floor. I did a reply then, but this is the 2nd, new-improved version of that picture.



Wilderness and Trees

An emerald baldachin of springtime leaves
leaks sunray droplets to the forest floor,
regenerating life. A jaybird weaves
from limb to limb, then picks a sycamore
as pulpit for his verbal diatribe
at some annoyance either seen or heard
down on the ground, a target found to jibe
although that subject rambles undisturbed.
All forest dwellers hear that he is still “the bird.”

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
The absolute best way to keep a waning site frombellying up is to post.
It surely beats all the words of appreciation and hope that normally result.
I suspect that tho you've admitted to being dry lately, Lori's bugal call will bring out the true believers. Thomas Paine once spoke of the difference between those who stuck around in good times, but wavered when things were tough. Those words of his are up there with the most inspiring ever thought or put to words.
Sometimes, tho verse has been my most rewarding hobby during these ever shrinking years, whether I deserve the priviledge that all those who have sponsored a poetry site have made available.
I'll post my Thomas Paine effort here to keep this post alive, but many more than we must take arms now if we want Lori to save this for us.
I'm especially pleased to see that you're leading the way and that this crisis has motivated you to rise above the dry spell we all occasionally face.
I suspect we'll either fail or MM will come out of this better than ever.
Cheers to Lori, however,
Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric,

I hope you don't mind that I edited in that image to your poem above. If you do, just delete it, lol. I must say I do like the slight revisions you've made over the original challenge response, and here in HH, those 'can't use words' don't apply. Having said that, I'd like to see the words wilderness and/or trees incorporated into this - perhaps in the last line (Is this a Spensta?) since you've used forest already up in L2.

Now, for your title, I'm hoping you'll reconsider it - make it a bit more mysterious (tempt us to the thread with a unique title) - like Emerald Diatribe or something that doesn't say exactly what it is you're about to describe to us. My only comment is the closing line. Perhaps 'All woodland creatures' could work instead. I think it's this bit: 'hear that he is still' that I find could be stronger. Was there ever a question in their minds that he wasn't 'the bird'? Can you describe how they hear him differently? Food for thought.

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo



An emerald baldachin of springtime leaves
leaks sunray droplets to the forest floor, --Beautiful imagery
regenerating life. A jaybird weaves
from limb to limb, then picks a sycamore
as pulpit for his verbal diatribe
at some annoyance either seen or heard
down on the ground, a target found to jibe --I can picture it!
although that subject rambles undisturbed.
All forest dwellers hear that he is still “the bird.”

[Merlin]

Thank you for your replies, Ron, Lori.

And what a surprise/delight to see the picture as I thought it was no longer available. I have it saved with my work, and am trilled to see it here as well.

I began the rework shortly after the challenge was past, and had about half done, with the second half not wanting to fall into place. It was another challenge to look at it once more, and this time things seemed to come together. After my rather long absence, it was really good to go thru the reference books again, like old times.

There are weak spots, some I've already changed, and will review again. Thank you for the input, which coincides with those spots, where I'll reconsider. Yes, the title could be much better. Maybe this is a stepping stone for me.

Your thoughts are appreciated,

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric,

Oh, I keep all images that I own - some are my own, some are from software packages I've bought over the years, the latter being the case here.

Some of us here often take a fresh look at old poems, it's a way to spark the muse in a different direction sometimes, and might result in a new poem too.

Looking forward to see what you do with this one! Glad the Pandora challenge sparked the muse!

~Cleo

[Merlin]

Just a quick note to say I've been by, and am considering tough-ups.
Greetings to all spiders out in the woods, too.

Merlin

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Merlin,

I really enjoyed this and it fits the form very well - very visual.

An emerald baldachin of springtime leaves - loved 'baldachin' (new to me, thanks) and it sets up the 'pulpit' later.
leaks sunray droplets to the forest floor,
regenerating life. A jaybird weaves
from limb to limb, then picks a sycamore
as pulpit for his verbal diatribe - this is my only nit with this, 'verbal diatribe' seems a tad redundant. Maybe 'royal to set up 'the bird'
at some annoyance either seen or heard
down on the ground, a target found to jibe
although that subject rambles undisturbed.
All forest dwellers hear that he is still “the bird.”

Yours to use or lose of course, thank you for a wonderful read and the educational bonus.
Jim

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh - royal would be a great substitute there Merlin.

I agree with Jim that it would add more credence to 'the bird'.

Great stuff!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Thank you for added replies.

A great suggestion, Jim. Thx. I missed the fact of redundancy since I've had an extended break and am a little rusty.
The form is modified Spenserian Stanza. I couldn't come up with sufficient rhyme words, and then opted for less to make it more pleasant to read, as well as tossing a bit of slant-rhyme in.

Glad to see it's being accepted. I'll do a revised version soon.

Merlin

[Psyche]

Hi Merlin!

Here's a wee spider crawling out of the woods... Enjoyed your poem thoroughly, wish I could be in that picture, the real as well as the poetical one....LOL...

Good suggestions have already been made. I also prefer 'royal'.

I would like to see 'woodland dwellers' in the last line, maybe.

The word 'subject' seems to stand out a tad, in that sort of setting. Sounds too gramatical or even logical, dunno. Maybe 'rebel'?

All in all, an inspiration for me to start doing challenges once again! I used to...

Thx for sharing, and for fishing out oldies that can always be tweaked a little more.

Look forward to any revision you may decide on.
Cheers, Syl ***