 Waiting for Winter |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 May 27 10, 21:07
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry  |
I caught a maple leaf
inside my hand. Its body frail as parchment, pressed with brittle veins— Just a patch of gold remained, like some intrinsic breath it garnered from a springtime ray. I placed it down for sedges to reclaim. They cradled it, until the winter came. ·······  ······· |
  
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 27 10, 22:01
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#2
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Karen, It is now almost summer and your writing winter poems...excellent piece though, very lovely and wonderful word flow. My muse seems to have deserted me for the time as far as writing so I am reading and doing some painting. Again I am glad you have joined MM.
Steve |
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May 27 10, 23:56
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#3
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Steve,
This was a sonnet that I never liked-- so I took it apart earlier today and got this, so that's why it's about winter, lol. Thanks! K ······· ······· |
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May 28 10, 08:12
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hello and welcome to MM. I loved the gentleness and preciousness of this poem. It shows the reverence we should have for mother nature. I enjoyed every line. Keep writing! I look forward to more of your work. Bev ······· ······· |
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May 28 10, 16:02
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#5
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Karen
Another lovely poem from you! I don't know what your sonnet was like, but I love this. It gives a sense of delicacy ... but also continuity. I really can't see anything I would definitely change, but here are some suggestions for word changes ... if they take your fancy! LOL! I caught a maple leaf inside my hand. Its body frail as parchment, pressed with brittle veins— Possibly 'palm' is more precise than 'hand' Just a patch of gold remained, like some intrinsic breath it garnered from a springtime ray. Possibly 'Just a fleck of gold remained' I placed it down for sedges to reclaim. They cradled it, until the winter came. A beautiful, almost poignant ending I don't think my suggestions will necessarily better your poem - just somthing to think on. Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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May 28 10, 17:43
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#6
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Bev, nice to meet you~ thank you for the comments on the poem! K QUOTE (Peterpan @ May 28 10, 08:12 )  Hello and welcome to MM. I loved the gentleness and preciousness of this poem. It shows the reverence we should have for mother nature. I enjoyed every line. Keep writing! I look forward to more of your work. Bev ······· ······· |
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May 28 10, 17:47
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#7
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Eisa, Thanks, now that you mention it, palm works really well there. Especially with "pressed and parchment" thanks! I'm not sure about "patch" it could be better, but fleck of gold sounds too common...maybe "glint" or "hint" ?? QUOTE (Eisa @ May 28 10, 16:02 ) Hi Karen Another lovely poem from you! I don't know what your sonnet was like, but I love this. It gives a sense of delicacy ... but also continuity. I really can't see anything I would definitely change, but here are some suggestions for word changes ... if they take your fancy! LOL! I caught a maple leaf inside my hand. Its body frail as parchment, pressed with brittle veins— Possibly 'palm' is more precise than 'hand' Just a patch of gold remained, like some intrinsic breath it garnered from a springtime ray. Possibly 'Just a fleck of gold remained' I placed it down for sedges to reclaim. They cradled it, until the winter came. A beautiful, almost poignant ending I don't think my suggestions will necessarily better your poem - just somthing to think on. Snow ······· ······· |
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May 28 10, 18:58
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (anaisa @ May 28 10, 23:47 ) Hi Eisa, Thanks, now that you mention it, palm works really well there. Especially with "pressed and parchment" thanks! I'm not sure about "patch" it could be better, but fleck of gold sounds too common...maybe "glint" or "hint" ?? Karen - my first thought was 'glint' as it sounds good with gold ... but I wondered if it was clique (I've used it quite a lot) Really, I suppose fleck, glint and hint have all been used a lot! (Don't you get fed up of finding new words at times, when the old ones sound good LOL!) Maybe 'patch' is newer after all, but doesn't sound delicate enough for the rest of the poem Just my opinion. I think I like 'tint' or 'hint' ... but its your choice! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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May 28 10, 20:50
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#9
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
tinge??
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May 29 10, 04:14
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (anaisa @ May 29 10, 02:50 ) tinge?? Yes!!!!! - tinge is perfect - sounds wonderful! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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May 29 10, 08:03
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#11
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,376 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hi Karen,
You never should have told us this was once a part of a sonnet. That just makes this reader long for more. This is a beautiful poem but I would very much like to see it in the original sonnet form. I've always been a sucker for sonnets. Love your "tinge". Much better than "a hint" or "patch", etc. Another suggested word change would be in L3 - replace "frail as" with "fragile". Unless you are utilizing the mental image of "frail" in the context of "very old". Not sure about your usage of "inside my hand/palm"; maybe sub "within my hand/palm". May I request you post the original sonnet here or even in another thread? Please! Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner   |
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May 29 10, 09:37
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#12
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Larry,
Thanks for the suggestions. I spent half the morning looking for that dumb sonnet- I didn't save the original one, just took it all apart. I think I posted it somewhere over a year ago, and still haven't tracked it down...now it is bugging me! Maybe I'll find it under another title in a file~ when I do, I will post it. Yes- within sounds better! K QUOTE (Larry @ May 29 10, 08:03 ) Hi Karen,
You never should have told us this was once a part of a sonnet. That just makes this reader long for more. This is a beautiful poem but I would very much like to see it in the original sonnet form. I've always been a sucker for sonnets. Love your "tinge". Much better than "a hint" or "patch", etc. Another suggested word change would be in L3 - replace "frail as" with "fragile". Unless you are utilizing the mental image of "frail" in the context of "very old". Not sure about your usage of "inside my hand/palm"; maybe sub "within my hand/palm". May I request you post the original sonnet here or even in another thread? Please! Larry ······· ······· |
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