Victory in Europe Day May 8th 1945 [revised 26 May 2010], X10 for May Options

[Sekhmet]

Victory in Europe Day May 8^th 1945 - 1st Edit




Aurora, golden goddess of the dawn awakes,

her rose-tipped tendrils trailing in the tranquil bay;

while bells, from garlanded temples, summon us to pray.

Serenest harmony, all grievance overtakes;

determined ne'er again to make those same mistakes

we welcome, as a friend, this newly peaceful day.

Bedeck our streets with victory flags in bold array!

With fresh-baked pies and cakes, heap high chipped china plates!

Hear on the BBC, King George's painful stammer,

telling us, 'Peace with honour' has at last been won.

Within the Castle forge, the Smithy stills his hammer -

from painted booths to sup his ale – his War is done!

From every castle field, our nations gaudy banners

of red, and white and blue; wave in the setting sun.



Challenge words : aurora, castle. temple, bay, garland,
harmony, china, sunset, new, friend, field, booth smith





Victory in Europe Day - May 8th 1945

Aurora, golden goddess of the dawn awakes,

trailing rose-tipped tendrils in the tranquil bay;

while bells from garlanded temples summon all to pray.

Now, serenest harmony, all grievance overtakes;

determined, ne'er again to make those same mistakes;

we welcome as a friend, this newly peaceful day.

Bedeck with gaudy flags our streets in bold array!

And pile, with fresh baked cakes. chipped china plates!

Hear on the B.B.C, King George's painful stammer,

saying, 'Peace with Honour' has at last been won.

Within the Castle forge, the Smithy stills his hammer;

from painted booths to sup his ale – War is done!

From every castle field, our nations gaudy banners

of red, and white and blue; wave in the setting sun.





Challenge words : aurora, castle. temple, bay, garland,
harmony, china, sunset, new, friend, field, booth smith

[anaisa]

Hi Leo,

Nice to meet you. I think your poem is lovely.
You have mostly 12 syllables per line so I tried to
adjust a few things-- see if you think if helps at all.
I don't think I'm up to Larry's standard of critiquing...but
I tried!

Karen

Victory in Europe Day - May 8th 1945

Aurora, golden goddess of the dawn awakes,

with rose-tipped tendrils trailing in the tranquil bay; (changed the line a little)



while bells from garlanded temples summon all to pray.

Now Serenest harmony, all grievance overtakes; (remove Now)

determined, ne'er again to make those same mistakes;

we welcome as a friend, this newly peaceful day.

Bedeck with gaudy flags our streets in bold array, (perhaps put a comma here?)

And pile, with fresh baked cakes. chipped china plates!

with fresh baked pies and cakes piled on chipped china plates! (needed 2 more syllables here...)

Hear on the B.B.C, King George's painful stammer,

saying, (how) 'Peace with Honour' has at last been won.

Within the Castle forge, the Smithy stills his hammer;

from painted booths to sup his ale – (this) War is done!

From every castle field, our nations gaudy banners

of red, and white and blue; wave in the setting sun.

[merle]

Hi Leo -

Your description of the pomp and circumstance of a parade are right on the money. There is a 'cheapness' underneath all the hoopla that comes across loud and clear which I feel is the real message.

Just a few crits...L7 'Bedeck with gaudy flags our streets in bold array!' Isn't this one of those troublesome inversions? Should it read...Gaudy flags bedeck our streets in bold array! ? Yes, that drops a needed syllable but an easy fix. And you've also used the word 'gaudy' again in L13. I prefer not to see a repetition of a word but that's just me and not life-threatening.

Nice to see you posting again.

Robin

[Eisa]

Hello Leo- its good to read one of your poems.

The meter is pretty good in this, although your syllable vary from line to line (though that can be acceptable as long as the flow is good)

A few thoughts follow:-

Aurora, golden goddess of the dawn awakes,

trailing rose-tipped tendrils in the tranquil bay

while bells from [garlanded] festooned temples summon all to pray.
garlanded sounds a bit awkward to me -perhaps something like festooned?
[Now,] serenest harmony, all grievance overtakes;

determined, ne'er again to make those same mistakes;
could use not instaed of abbreviated ne'er
we welcome as a friend, this newly peaceful day.

Bedeck with gaudy flags our streets in bold array!
Bedeck our streets with gaudy flags in bold array

And pile, with fresh baked cakes. chipped china plates!

Hear on the B.B.C, King George's painful stammer,

saying, 'Peace with Honour' has at last been won.

Within the Castle forge, the Smithy stills his hammer;

from painted booths to sup his ale – War is done!

From every castle field, our nations gaudy banners

of red, and white and blue; wave in the setting sun.

I hope something helps!

Snow

[Sekhmet]

Good to hear from you, Snow - and many thanks for your helpful suggestions - As you will see, I have used some of them in the revision. I am afraid that I was stuck with, 'garland', because it was one of the set words in the 10X challenge . I could not fit it in without clunking; however, we were allowed to use variations on the, 'given words' so I opted for, 'garlanded'
Many thanks for your crit.
Leo

[Eisa]

Hi Leo

I forgot that garland was a required word. The ony other way I can think of fixing that line is :-

As temples trimmed with garlands summon us to pray

This fixes the meter, but leaves out the bells (although it is somewhat hinted at)

Just a thought!

Snow

[Sekhmet]

Hello again Robin - Thank you so much for your analysis of this X10 poem.
I could take a running kick at myself for missing those two, 'gaudies?' Thanks for spotting them.
Yep!The line starting with, 'bedeck with gaudy flags' was a complete disaster, so I have given it a makeover.
I remember that day so well, even after sixty-five years. It was a different age, and the patriotism seems a little tacky now; but after five years of bombs and austerity rationing, how we kids enjoyed those street parties, and the total exhilaration of the promise of peace.
Love, Leo

[Sekhmet]

It's good to meet you too, Karen; I am grateful for your suggestions.
Your critting skills are well developed, and I have incorporated some of your thoughts into my revision. I can see that there are still some problems, and will be happy to get further suggestions.
With thanks,
Leo